Fragile Living

As I pass through my writing I observe them as many Cheyennes. Many parts of myself come out of me as I walk through my memories I post for the world to connect with. I bought this website to reflect on myself and my choices but most importantly I didn’t want to feel alone and isolated in my writing. I knew whatever I wrote down someone would feel the same way somewhere out there.

Lately ive been feeling fragile with the changes I am making in life. I am feeling the realization of my actions impacting others. My boyfriend, my boss, my staff, my co workers. I put too much on myself and have been known in the past to hold myself back for others. It’s nothing malicious but I see my guilt and worry for others is holding me back and holding onto me.

A man once told me “the most selfish thing you can ever do is take care of yourself.” I was baffled the first time I heard that phrase. But as I put the phrase into motion I realized just how hard it is to focus on yourself. Especially when you’ve been the giver, the shoulder and the hero. None of those titles leave room for yourself and if you do have time it is interrupted by your batman signal flying.

Being mindful is one thing, but being mindful of yourself is another. When I forgot to eat I know I’ve given away a lot of myself to something or someone. When I didn’t get much sleep I realize I’ve maxed out today’s hours tomorrow. Everyone does these things but ask yourself is this your lifestyle habits or does this randomly happen to you? I realized it was becoming my lifestyle. I realized I was becoming fragile while I was running on fumes. I’ve given too much of myself and in return I was weak. I wasn’t rewarded with an accomplished mindset ; I was rewarded with muscles and mind weakening. I still have fears and stress that keep me awake, my spine sits weird if work wasn’t proper or I didn’t give it my all. I feel I’m not good enough some days and wonder how the hell I got so deep into a buy-in industry. My work is not who I am but my work consumes my whole life. It keeps me up so late I miss mornings with my love. I miss the perfect morning breeze with my coffee and I miss out on the peace and tranquility I desire the most. I want to feel consistency.

Consistently happy

consistently strong

consistently at peace

tranquil

lately I’ve been feeling fragile in the choices I am making. I feel like I will always be letting someone down. But in this self sulking self realizing epiphenious moment I understand I can’t let myself down. I’ve fought for myself for so long I know I can’t surrender myself.