As the waves come & go

I see you

In another world

Dancing away

Your mind has

Been twirled

.

.

I hear you are fine

Maybe your Son

Has made you

Come alive

.

.

They picked us

You know?

.

.

We still have

A lot of time

We need to grow

We were just kids

Trying to fit in

.

.

What a comfort

You were when I

Came cascading in

.

.

An escape from my mess

You helped me hurt less

Within

.

.

But even I can’t face your

Karma and you cannot

Stand in front on mine

.

.

I could lay there forever

And twist your finger

Into mine

.

.

I could lay there forever

And feel the energy

Connect us

.

.

Bind

.

.

But it’s moved to the

Back of my mind

A deep deep memory

Lost in the shadows

I still have to find

.

.

You’re a wave that crashes

Rolls back under and out

I think you are gone

But here you are again

Fresh water

From a spout

.

.

I’ve given up on

The guilt I was led to

Believe

.

.

I’ve given up on

The Memory

of you

Enabling me

.

.

What a call

You made

Thank you

For seeing

It through

.

.

You have strength

I don’t possess

You cut the chord

And made me less

.

.

I send you peace

.

.

You were always better

At forgetting me .

.

.

Can’t go too far

Without a reminder

Or a song

Can’t roll my eyes less

Cause the smile

Is where you are

.

.

I see you

Wandering

Floating around

.

.

I see you

Whistling

With your head down

.

.

Lift yourself up

As you always used to do

Don’t forget yourself

It’s an easy thing to do

.

.

Remember

.

.

Encompass

The feeling of belong

Remember

Just focus

Hum a tune

Don’t lose your song

.

.

1:58

10-27-19

Where did the time go?

I can’t help but feel blocked

I can’t help but still feel shocked

I’m going to have a baby

4 months to go

I’m going to have a baby

Fuck where did the time go?

Before you came along

I was meditating yoga-ing

& traveling along

Scheduling the festivals

And dreaming of a van

Marriage came

I gave up my name

But he never treated me

Like a ball and chain

I could come and go

As I please

Standing in front of the band

Never acting like a tease

There for the music

Appreciating the show

Always in love with the music

Never acting like a foe

Monroe came

And everything has changed

Monroe is coming

And I feel so ashamed

What kind of mother will I be?

When I’m terrified I’ll fuck

The life up inside of me

What kind of mother will I be?

When I crave the silence

The dark night brings

I hear so much advice

I decided to hide in my clothes

My stomach is getting bigger

But myself I see her let go

I’m a rollercoaster

I get to blame on hormones

I hate roller coasters

I want the steady

Streaming flow

I know when you are here

I will act more clear

But today I’m in my head

Too early to go to bed

So I lay here wondering

.

.

What kind of mother will I be

When I already love you so much

What kind of mother will I be

When I’m terrified for you

To be raised by me?

.

.

Will I set you up for success?

Or hover way too much?

Will I let anyone in

Or hide from the congratulations show?

.

.

I picture the day I meet you

I can’t contain my tears

I can’t believe your coming

How did God let me have this cheer?

.

.

I’m terrified to meet you

But your everything I want

I’m scared of the first time

I’ll hold you

Afraid I’ll never let you go

I fast forward a couple decades

To freak myself out a little more

What will you be like?

When I take you to the show?

I hope you find yourself

Better than I found mine

.

.

I hope you have dear friends

That can always read your mind

.

.

Don’t hide like I did

I wasted a lot of time

.

.

Don’t confide like I did

In the only Dear twin mind

.

.

Depend on yourself

At the end of the day

Be your safe space

.

.

But don’t be scared to

Let people in

Let them show you

You don’t depend

.

.

On them

on me

On old glor-y

.

.

It is in you

That you will

Find your truth

.

.

Monroe I ask

For forgiveness

We still have 4 months left

Monroe I ask

For patience

I’ve never done this

Mommy thing before

.

.

I feel like a child

Finding out I’m

Having a child

.

.

I feel insecure

About being your Mother

I feel insecure

I won’t tell another

.

.

Monroe your healthy

I saw you this week

My baby your changing

I can’t wait to fully see

.

.

I’m going to be a mother

Where did the time go?

A breakup with friends

Never do you think

The ones closest to your

Heart can break it

.

.

.

No romantic relationship

Ending can compare

To the heartbreak

A friend can inflict on you

.

.

.

You are yourself with this friend

Your true self

Not the distortion

You network to everyone else

.

.

.

You tell your hells

To this friends

Things your mother

Would never bare to hear

.

.

.

But here I sit

Remembering

The friends that

Broke my heart

.

.

.

The friends that

Let everyone else’s

Opinions get to them

.

.

Warp our innocent

Friendship in their head

.

.

They all broke my heart

Worse than a boyfriend

Ever could

.

.

I thought we were

Gonna grow old

Together fellas

.

.

Thought we would

Call each other when life

Was getting a little tangled

Up because we don’t know

What we’re doing

.

.

I remember when

My stepdad passed

A friend picked me up

In a mustang

Drove me through the

Countryside until

It hurt a little less

It pissed his girlfriend

Off he was there for me

Showing me he couldn’t

Be that way with her

So the jealousy and envy

Grow deeper

One day taking my friend

From me

.

.

I remember living

Half alive at the age of 19

Made it to 20 and I couldn’t

Believe the things I had seen

A dark haired boy

With gold in his soul

Without any contract

To me gave me words

To get through an epic low

.

.

I believe I could’ve died

The next couple years

Acting like the reincarnation

Of Jim Morrison

But he was there

Such a dear friend

.

.

He was there

Until he couldn’t be there

Anymore

Jealousy and envy

Always comes and

Takes my friends

Showing me

He can’t be there

For her like he

Could effortlessly

Be for me

My sad eyes

Break his heart

When I run to

Him with a new blow

Dusting me off

And telling me to go

.

.

These friends of mine

Were sent from the divine

They were taken from me

Because of the insecure minds

The women they chose

Couldn’t handle how close

Their boyfriends, fiancé and husband

Were to me

.

.

It shows me they can’t offer to

You what they willingly

Gave to me

.

.

My friends

I miss you

My boys

I love you

.

.

I cannot call you

But that doesn’t

Mean I can’t

Wish for you

.

.

I’ll see you again

That’s just how destiny is

I’ll see you again

It has always been

God’s plan

.

.

But for now

I need you

All to know

You broke my heart

.

.

Your cowardly ways

Tore me all apart

.

.

Showing me

Your colors

Aren’t always

The best part

.

.

I thank you

For your time

And hope your

New babies

Have a good life

I pray when you

Think of me

Your heart won’t

Break like mine

.

.

I have no guilt

My hands are clean

Don’t brush me off

I’m not your

Wedding ring

.

.

If you have chosen

This bed then

Lay in it

.

.

If you have chosen

This lead

Then write

With it

.

.

But don’t come

To me and tell me

I’m at fault

.

.

Don’t come to me

When your the insecurity

Your women holds at fault

.

.

You will always think of me

That’s just the way it is

I’ll always think of you

You are the dearest of friends

.

.

Boys I’m changing

Laying my sorrow

To rest

I have a new life

I have to live

Can’t wait for you

To unclog your head

.

.

When you think of me

Know I send you love

Can’t blame you for

Your stupid ways

That’s not what God wants

.

.

I have my memories

Our truths

You can’t remember

Men are so simple

So dull

So fickle

You let them get to you

.

.

I stand beside my love

With pride knowing

He would never make

Me do what they made you

.

.

He loves my friends

No matter the

Origin

And excepts them

As his own

.

.

I pray one day

You find a mate

That does the same

For you so when you

Call I won’t even bawl

At the time you made us lose.

.

.

.

12:30 pm

8-1-2019

Dear Music

I fell in love with you

When I was just a kid

Didn’t know what love

Was but I felt in sink in

.

.

I carried it with me

Unwilling and intimidated

Somehow knowing it’s all

Impossible to get faded

.

.

I fell in love with the distance

Knowing I could never get too close

.

.

The last time I graced a stage I

Sang with Casper the ghost

.

.

I fell in love with your presence

It has to be sent from above

Divine madness that is sinking in

.

.

A love for music

I can’t quit within

Love it

Hate it

It’s part of my skin

.

.

Some days I feel so far away

But know one day

I’ll come back to play

This is my home

The world is where I roam

Hoping one day I’ll

Pick up my phone

.

.

hear that guitar play

.

.

And the world will

Be put back in place

.

.

You wait for a tour

I wait to see it

You take the pictures

I study through it

I am the muse

The one that’s

Impossible to lose

.

.

I fell in love with you

When I was a kid

Can’t turn down this

Love unless I forget

Where I came from

.

.

The piano in the white room

The keyboard in camp points tomb

The acoustic collecting dust

The lyrics & rhymes that claim lust

.

.

Oh music I love you again

Always will

Can’t ever end

I die in this life

And come back to

Play again

I die in this life

And sink my

teeth back in

.

.

I am no longer mine

I am yours

Music fill me

With your course

.

.

Take my ears

But please don’t force

You have my love

My loyalty Ofcourse

.

.

Dear music

I am your muse

I can’t stop love you

.

.

8:12

June 12,2019

Our Legacy

Do you still get shook

When our paths

Fall in line

.

.

Do you still ask why

I come freely to your mind

.

.

There is life in me

But I don’t get to tell you that

There is life in her

I can see her getting that

.

.

My third eye

Isn’t blind

My mind idles high

Coming to the crown

I’ll be able to see more

.

.

Got to take care of myself

This isn’t just about your blow

.

.

I have a life to live too

Even if you make me blue

I have a baby who needs me

You have a baby coming too

.

.

How weird is the distance

When the common

Seems to keep us true

.

.

How weird is this absence

When you know you want to call

.

.

I can see you in my dreams

Unprovoked cut up streams

.

.

They give me signs

Of your full force demise

But don’t worry baby

This was written in the skies

.

.

Your legacy is growing

You should be so fucking pleased

Your legacy is showing

Just let go and enjoy the breeze

.

.

The only thing set in stone

Is you and me and the trees

.

.

The only things that is worth

Knowing is your little one is growing

Everything else will come effortlessly

.

.

I know you want to run

I would do just the same

I can’t imagine what it’s like

Sacrificing yourself in vein

.

.

Do they even know what you’ve

Given up or do you just act

Like it’s a shame

.

.

Do they even know you

Are in your mind with

Someone else name?

.

.

How could you lay

Your head down

On the chopping

Block anymore

.

.

You never did from the beginning

You let me sit there and take your blows

.

.

You think I wanted to have this

But I’m keen on giving what you want

Even if it kills me

And takes me for a haunt

.

.

We are going to evolve

Much better than we could

We are going to unbind

The selfishness in you

.

.

Your legacy is growing

Be sure to pick a strong name

.

.

Your legacy is showing

That love is not the first

Part of the game

.

.

Keep buying them everything

I’m sure that’s all they want

Money hungry security

When it’s never what you want

.

.

Do you remember how many holes

Used to sleep with us in your blanket?

Do you remember the pillow

We shared with while laying naked?

How far away that seems

But in the end it comes in dreams

I can’t choose this vision

It’s stuck melted in my brain

You have more ammo to discredit

This un-denying pain

.

.

I pray you find your sanity

In this never ending game

I pray I find some peace of mind

And continue to think just too kind

.

.

I could’ve came unglued

But what good would that do

.

.

Everyone has figured a way

To get along with her

.

.

I remember when I was brainwashed

Into thinking you should go

I remember how upset they got

When I wouldn’t let you go

.

.

Losing me

Is losing you

You won’t get it

Until you sink

Back to the blue

.

.

I really hope I’m by my phone

When you get that low

Because if I’m not

You’ll fuck up a lot

And pull that trigger

And go

.

.

It’s not what I want

But I’ve already called

Left that voicemail

To jiggle your thoughts

Remind you

That you

Can’t be alone

Even if your married

To someone you

Can’t call home

.

.

I’m sure you’ll figure it out

Someday maybe one day

I’ll catch you in the rain

We’ll laugh and we’ll smile

Of the childish things

We say

We’ll laugh and we’ll cry

As we think of the time we waste

Look in my eyes

Realize I’m not the disgrace

.

.

All that matters now

Are the babies coming to be

All that matters now is my

Daughter forming healthily

.

.

I see a son

Or maybe my sexes are turned around

I guess I’ll wait till the vision

Comes through

And bounces off a cloud

.

.

A gateway I can’t close

So daunting but so true

.

.

Spirit babies

What a mess you

get to choose

.

.

4 shocked parents

Many fingers & toes

on the way

Babies babies babies

Is all we have to say

.

.

For once it isn’t about us

This curse or this cross

.

.

For once it isn’t about us

Even though I must feel lost

.

.

You were the first I told

When life was a ring

Now

You aren’t that call at all

So I hope you hear me sing

.

.

I have life inside of me

She’s begging to come free

I have life inside of me

I wish you were here to see

1:37 PM July 5th

Heartless Clogged Facade

Why is there

A longing for more?

More credit

More clothes

More empty items

To never expose

Such a gaping (w)hole

.

.

It’s a trap

All the commercials

Credit cards

Campaigns

It’s an addiction

Something that drove me

To the mundane

.

.

Keeping up with the jones

Turning myself into

A step-ford for about

10 hours a day

.

.

I couldn’t keep up

The facade

I was fading away

Nobody saw me

I just kept up

With the applause

Living a lie

And denying

The withdrawal

.

.

I have to sell everything

That has put me in this

Mess , sat down

Wrote down my debt

I was astonished

The hole I had dug

25k is something

I didn’t expect to get

A fixed rate love

Nothing coming from above

My own hell created

With a new wardrobe

& gloves

.

.

A thrift store find

Leading to credit card

Scores decline

Paying my bills

On time

But still never

Feeling truly alive

I can’t stand the

Rat race

.

.

I wish God

Would come

& make us face

What we have done

To his beautiful Earth

What we have killed

Denying his truth

Most of the wealth

Goes to suppressing

What helps

.

.

Most of the wealth

Goes to ensuring

Middle classes death

But don’t worry

He’s coming

.

.

So pay back that interest

Grab that new car

And drive that

Fucker far

.

.

When you get to

The mountains

Go stand up on top

Fall to your knees

And say Lord

Let me breath

.

.

I see myself clearly

I am a fool to believe

Plastic is entrapment

& marketing so vein

Making me feel

I’m not good enough

Unless I play the credit

Card game

.

.

I have so much

To pay back

Pay off & prove

But what does it matter

When I’m the only

One that will lose

.

.

No better interest rate

For my 800 score sake

No deeper connection

In my unshaken faith

.

.

Is God and money

Really connected like

They say

Kill me now

If this is all

Our fates

.

.

We’re ran by the unseen

Most walking around

At this point

No ones hands are clean

.

.

We ‘re tied to the chain

Of the industry of things

Filling it endlessly

Until one day

They say we are the kings

.

.

But the only king

Is the Almighty himself

And we cannot take

These possession

When we fall to our hell

.

.

When I stand before him

I am terrified of my sin

These things I was talked into

By friends and relatives remain

.

.

Come this way

They’ll give you a great deal

Fast track

First class

VIP for an exchange

A salesman was once

A kind man

.

.

Distorted by the pipers toll

There is nothing we can

Do now but wait for the

True End Times come full

.

.

Watch the stock market crash

And wonder where do we go

.

.

I clear myself for heaven

And the rewards that hang below

Grounding myself lightly

And going with my flow

.

.

I was apart of the pay off

A whistleblower now

I’ll rock the boat

Excessively

Till you run to me

And ask me how

.

.

I mean no harm

To you or me

My true intent

Is for us to be set free

.

.

Take off these chains

That God didn’t place

Run away from the salesman

Who claims he’s great

.

.

Clear your mind

Find what is unkind

Bind it right

Never let it get out alive

.

.

Purify yourself

And no opposing

Will find you

.

.

Devil Angel

Has your back

Write down your goals

Make a plan away

From marketing mayhem

.

.

Find yourself

And never let go

You are not your job

Your house

Or your car

You can’t take it with you

So why don’t you just let it go?

2:01 pm

July 4,2019

Hate the Sin Love the Sinner

Stay asleep

I can’t care

Caring gets me

Closer to

Nowhere with you

I’m still the problem

When I’ve faced myself

Dug down deep

And pulled out the hell

.

.

.

I showed you the flame

And you point and say

Your to blame

You can’t forgive

When you’ve never

been taught

.

.

Shoving it down

Will just bubble up

.

.

Pretending to not feel

Will raise a devastating appeal

Your body will revolt

From the resentment

Hiding below

.

.

You’ll bloat from

Apathy and reward

Your disdain

.

,

But here I am

I hold ALL fault

I told you the truth

And you still

Want me to fall

.

.

Shall I get on my knees

And say oh please

Forgive me please?

Well sorry this bow

Is for the Lord

He’s the only one

Who holds the keys

You just keep pointing

And telling me my faults

Telling me I should say nothing

Since I’ve sinned too fucking much

I don’t believe

I’ll call you as often

Or anymore

You think of your

Own opinion too

Much to hear

Me when I fall

I was always too much

.

Too dramatic

.

Won’t shut the fuck up

.

So selfish

.

Such a brat

.

I went into the world

And they said the same thing

No one ever taught me

My emotions were insane

They just kept beating me

Into submission

Why can’t you be just the same?

Your head is in the clouds

You’ll crash down one day

.

.

I don’t know who says that

To a child that’s a dreamer

I don’t know how bad you

Have to feel inside to

Poison me with your lows

.

.

You actually thought

You were helping me

Telling me all my faults

.

.

If I picked at you

You would come unglued

And turn into a dragon

Whose been waiting

For a feud.

.

.

This isn’t easy

Looking at myself

But isn’t easy when you

Think I haven’t experienced

My own personal hell

Some self inflicted but

Who knew I was

Supposed to actually

love myself

.

.

I thought it was a saying

Some cliche thing

I see now why God

Made you blind

Go back and talk

About the president

Politics and the

Rest of the unkind

I promote what I love

And send no energy

To the hate rising from below

It’s easy to hate in this world

Easy to judge and say

It’s okay

I am not perfect

But at least I’m

Vowing to change my ways

As we have our talks

And I poke at your thoughts

I see your defensiveness

Rising from your gut

I am the problem

My truths do no good

I am the defect

You should’ve hangered

In the woods

My whole life I thought

I was too much for you

My whole life I thought

I could never live up to you

My whole life I thought you’d be

Better off with two

And today I find out

That this doesn’t have

To be my noose

I’ve lost my friends

My family

And my foes

I don’t know what’s left

But To hang this hat and

Let it go

I refuse to listen

To the words you

Think would help

You’ve done more for me

Than you’ll ever know

But to act like staying

At your feet would help me

Grow is a blow I have to

Take into myself

I wasted a lot of time

Thinking I could be like you

I wasted a lot of my soul

Blacking it and blue

.

.

You will never know

My story because

You think it’s your fault

You will never know my story

Till you buy it on a shelf

Or read it in the dark

.

.

I gave you open access to

Listen to my soul

But in the end

“I feel nothing ”

And I’m heading for my goals

I am alive with pride

That I can feel inside

I am alive with divine

Knowing God has me

In or outside

So please don’t tell me

What you think I am

You don’t know what

I’ve done to get here

.

The heaven and the hell

.

I’m a walking fucking

Miracle with one foot

In the grave

I choose the living and the

Dead as my safe space

I choose the sinners

And the poor as you

Mock them on the floor

You’ve never been so low

You’ve never hated yourself

As much as I have

You’ve never abused yourself

To the devils that I have

You’ll never know that pain

Because God knows if he gave you

My plate you would be clinically insane

But I wear it as a badge

I fucking found myself

No help from the doctors

No therapist to help me cling on

Note cards & falter

.

.

I found myself in

The wind

I found myself in the dirt

I found myself In the woods

Running through the streams

With the animals insects and

Broken cut off streams

.

.

I know what you have lost

But we aren’t aloud to discuss

So when I am able to talk

So boldly of things you hush hush

I know I am not the problem

I’m the awakening

Of your illusions

.

.

I can’t stress

If we have different views

You held me down for so long

Thinking this is your truth

.

.

If I struck a chord

Then go put it back in tune

If I struck a nerve

Then don’t let it consume

I’m starting a family

With or without you

But I won’t live in a divide

Of someone’s else

Distorted truths

.

.

The past is the past

But you prefer to

Show me it like I blow

Your past is your past

So I’m gonna need you to

Let mine go

.

.

I have an opinion

And can turn on judgement eyes

It’s easy this world needs to go

.

.

I was sent to sin and learn my lessons

And pass the knowledge

Before God let’s me go home

.

.

But I’m not supposed to waste my time

With the ones who say I’m low

Love falling on deaf ears

Cause your perspective

Is just your own created show

.

You are not safe in your cave

Of unlit flames

You are not safe in this

Life we’ve built with shame

Secrets have surrounded us

So much I thought it was cool

Nobody knows us!

You can’t figure us out

But we will be there if

You feel low

.

.

.

An enigma of relatives

That can certainly put on a show

But I’m tired of fighting

And being told I’m the

only one biting

When the divide has been

Our settle down joe

.

.

I’d like to come home

Where family is full

Where we can talk about

Passions and when we don’t

Know where to go

I never want to hear

Everything will be fine

I need a conversation

Some details to flow

I’m different from you

And you damn well did know

.

.

You supported my arts but

It got pretty dark

I went into something

You thought was a black mark

But this is my life

My karma to fix

.

.

So keep pointing and telling

You don’t know how to fix

It’s my life’s mission

To tell my truths

I’m sorry your hiding

But people are dying

And someone needs

to do more than point

.

.

I’m going to find them

All the misunderstood

The tortured

The raped

The drugged up and bruised

.

.

I will hold them

While their families

Stare in distance

I will listen to their pain

And help them throw up

Their misguidance

.

.

We are all mirrors

To learn from one another

But the second you are your

Profession well that is

Just another dead lesson

.

.

Maybe one day

We can have our little chat

Maybe one day

You’ll join me on that mat

But that isn’t today

And you have to understand

I am okay

.

.

Dismay is apart of it

I’m living my worst fears

As we speak

Losing a loved one

And not knowing how to cope

.

How do I live without you

When your so far away

I don’t get to look up at the heavens

And feel saved

I know your walking around

With strings pulling down

Maybe one day

I won’t feel like

I have to make a sound

.

.

But it’s crucial I find them

The tortured & the damned

It’s crucial I love them

Before all the miracles

Come and claim demand

.

.

I know God is coming

This world is too damn bad

I know God has got me

And you even if we

Make each other sad

.

.

I send you love

And wish for peace

In a world who thinks

Those words are a joke

.

.

Here I am smiling

That this world is

Going to explode

.

.

Call it the rapture

Judgement day

Or the blow

.

.

I am here a servant

Of God’s impending blow

I ask him for his mercy

On the things I didn’t know

I ask him to forgive me

For the things I didn’t show

.

.

So please don’t point your finger

I’ll break it and let go

12:50 pm

July 2nd

This is my fate

You used to make me want to live

Now I can’t wait to die

Just so I can see you again

.

.

That was what I got

From my meditation today

.

.

I knew there was something

Still inside I wasn’t facing

With my full attention

.

.

It’s grief

Continued agonizing grief

I keep trying to process

As a light hearted grief

.

.

But it’s not

It’s deep

Rooted

Buried in me

Something I can’t explain

Means everything to me

.

.

I used to be a moth

Flying to my flame

Flapping anxiously

Around it

Never giving it a name

.

But running towards

It like my life depended

On if I made the trip & came

.

Now i fly here

Darkness

& that

Light is now

a dim beam

.

Walking around

Cautiously wondering

Who is to blame

.

Its you coward

You listen to the wrong ones

Thought they had your best

Intentions so you kept

Going with the flow

.

.

If I were a ship I’d crash

Cause your lighthouse

Is broken

No light rotating

Guiding me to

Come home

.

.

I must admit

Most days I am great

I emit my own light

This is my fate

.

.

But I can’t shake

The grief that

Something isn’t right

.

.

With the light

I used to call

My safe place

.

Is the chest the same

Or has it become mundane

Disguised as a marriage

With true sin surrounding

No names

.

Why even look in the mirror

When you know it’s not good

Clouding our memories

And hiding in a hood

.

.

Can’t face yourself

So you tell me

To lose my grip

I was standing on a canyon

You were hanging below

Don’t slip

.

.

Driving along IL

With the ringing

“You”calling

I didn’t see this coming

.

Of all the premonitions

This one is of my stunning

.

.

I could’ve wrecked my car

When that voice came through

I couldn’t believe it wasn’t you

Who the fuck was I talking to?

“You sound nice” .ha. Accidentally

Slipped through. Smacking my head

You weren’t supposed to read into that

Shortened vision quest

.

.

.

My nightmares were true

All your friends said

That it wouldn’t be you

Brace yourself cause

Gordon is through

He’s just not the same

I think he’s stuck in his brain

Connecting pretending

That this is his game

.

.

I never wanted your ring

Your filthy fling

Or you to buy me

petty little things

.

.

I wanted to talk

Vent what we’ve always

been through

.

I needed a friend

For what I was going through

.

.

But no friend was there

Just a man in despair

Giving me lines

His chains had written for him

Giving me lines

He made himself believe in

The Placebo is real

But you’ve used it so wrong

.

That power of the mind

Was for the stage

Not to inflict pain

Now it sits in her envious cage

.

.

.

I wanted to provoke you

Into all of your

Ever loving truth

I wanted you to find someone

Who would top me

Care for you & the divine

Art that so easily poured

Out of you

.

.

But here we are

Playing far

Pretending I

Don’t still miss you

.

.

These miles stretch on

But I still see you

In every guitar

.

.

I could sway forever

Waiting for you to come

Back to the stage

Write the song

You’ve been meaning to

While I’ve been gone

.

.

You know it’s been years

And feels like dragging on

.

.

It’s easier for me

To admit then

Gnawing at my thumbs

.

.

I’m sure if you read

This it’s stun would

Do you good

Maybe even better

Then When THE END

Should’ve played for you

.

.

Where did he go?

This man with such truth?

The eyes I couldn’t stay on too long?

Where did he go?

Did the one I love turn blue?

Maybe his puppet strings

Are just waiting for his Cue

.

.

My senses are heightened

As I find life living in me

My meditations are

Heartbreaking

With images of you

I asked them to make

Me blind to thee

.

.

Take him away

From all of my memories

.

.

If I could cut this chord

God knows I would’ve

A decade ago

Never answered my phone

For that tone or voice

.

.

I would’ve deleted

Your voicemail

Like I deleted

Your wife’s bullshit

.

.

But I’ve found in my

Short time

I’m a pit bull

To abuse

I’ll stay on this chain

While you hang from a noose

.

.

Enjoy the booze

I know it helps you cut loose

Make yourself feel better

By claiming no truth

.

.

Blame me for problems

You did on your own

Feel guilt and despair

While I cry alone

.

.

I sit with this grief

Like it’s the last bit

Of you I have

I keep thinking one day

You won’t make me so sad

.

.

I really wouldn’t care if

You never did call

What would I do

If I picked up this ball

Now I’m lying

Trying to cover

My withdraws

.

.

I really just want you

To live up to your potential

That musician man so tall

Go back to the hotel

The hallways

Tell me truths

.

.

Go back to the bath tub

Dip your toes in

Let’s confess our faults

.

.

The light comes too soon

And I have to let go of

My favorite spoon

Crawl away with your eyes closed

It kills me to say I gotta go

.

.

I can’t stay where I am not fully wanted

I can’t stay where you hide in me also

Your my charge port

My greatest life lesson

A fast track of a karmic

Progression

.

.

I pray for you

Like you’ve passed on

Killed my friend

And wrote you a song

I have to write forever

Like all great artists do

Living a life

While missing their muse

I see now while all the

greats

Go insane

They have a choice

Heartbreak or Mundane

In the end we end

Up on the same plane

If you’ve read this

far can you pull

Out your guitar

And write what is in

Your heart?

.

.

I’m dying inside

To see what you hide

In that glass house

Of yours

.

.

Are you an ATM?

Feeling validated

By being such a man

A provider for a women

Who claws at you

For things

Never caring for your mind

.

.

Give me your mind

You know I will treat it kind

Give it to me

So I can confide

Send me your love

And I’ll keep it safe above

Give me your mind

So I can close up this divine

.

.

I wonder what it’s like

Missing me

It’s a sick denial

I wish to encompass

.

A slow burning death

That can only end in trumpets

.

.

I’ve finally found the creature

You loved in me

Took her in and broke

The chains she used

To sit with comfortably

Gave her a bed

Told her to rest her head

Maybe he will find himself

And come back one day

She lays there and cries

While I hold her ever so tight

Telling her in retrospect

She was too bright

The world beat her

The men defeated her

The drugs depleted her

But you did the worst

Denying a lifeline

That can easily feel cursed

I didn’t choose this either

But you fucking pushed

.

.

If I could go back

I wouldn’t beat her

I would’ve loved her

Years ago before you

Could ever leave a mark

I would’ve held her better than

You so I wouldn’t crave you in the dark

If this is what sick is

Then I’ll write it out everyday

My favorite form of poison

Is a man I named dismay

I wish that I could scream

But what an alarm that would

Sound these days

.

.

I wish I could tell you everything

Because it’s hard you aren’t around

The last time I saw you I was rushed away

Cried the whole ride home

Cause I knew our fate

.

.

The cloud of karma had finally

Reached its ground

And here you are

Screaming but I’m deafened

By your new sound

.

I see you in every guitarist

Vocalist or crowd

I think I’d pass out if

I saw you

Or turn and run

For the opposite of your crowd

.

.

I never wanted you as my possession

Never a status symbol for myself

I wanted to stand in the dark

And listen to the love you got

From the crowd

.

.

I didn’t mean to speak to you the

Night you called my phone

I wanted so bad to block you

But I can’t hide from Casper

I’m always going to answer for you

.

.

I’m scared your experiencing

Where I’ve been

.

I’m always going to answer for you

Cause I couldn’t stand you wearing thin

.

I’m always here for you because you

Helped me find my truth

Little by little

You didn’t let me die within

.

.

You know what you were doing

Captivated my by noose

But you helped me want to live to

Every trip

My breath felt loose

.

.

A new perspective

Every hit

You were the perfect bandage

Helped me quit

.

.

I couldn’t breath

And I ran to you

I caught my breath

Then you lifted me to

.

.

Higher places I

Couldn’t trust anyone else

To take , my soul

Told me that you were okay

Just listen for now

.

.

This love could kill you

If you aren’t careful

Of the second show

.

.

His karma will take

The love he has and

Rape it

Won’t let it grow

.

.

Make him think

He was enabling &

Faking it

What a mindfuck

To let go

.

.

A spell casted dagger

Of choice I chose a different fate

I let them beat me mercilessly

Rather

Them cut you from my plate

.

.

I wonder what it felt like

To take that precious fate

To kill the one who

Put you there

In all your tainted ways

.

.

The only one who excepted

The darkness you had in you

The one who held the leash

For your collar you liked to

Play the broken fool

.

.

I wonder what it feels like

When I come across your mind

Does your breathing get

All angry cause you

Forgot this control isn’t mine

.

.

Does it bug you

That I’m happy

With or without you

Does it bug you

I miss you but I

Can still tell you

To fuck off too?

.

.

God if I saw you

What the fuck would

I even do?

.

.

Stand there and faultier

Wondering if it’s really you

What if your voice was

As rehearsed as your

Last phone call

.

.

Can only be the one

I know for a moment

Then snap back to your show

.

I couldn’t take a second blow

.

Life is changing fast

I can’t wait for you to show

Life is changing fast

I’m scared

Where did you go?

.

.

I need you to find

Your soulmate

The one who

Inspires you

.

Don’t worry

I’m forever your muse

Just tap in &

Enjoy the show

.

.

Get away from

the one who

Rolls there eyes

Because your

Networking isn’t through

.

.

You’ve done so much

And come so far

To say age is what stopped you

.

.

I’d rather be dead

Then live in a world

Where you gave up

On yourself.

.

.

.

.

.

Dear friend

Too harsh?

Or is a nail sinking

Into your head

Maybe I’m crazy

Like they have always said

.

.

Maybe

Just maybe

I saw the authentic you

.

And just like you saw me

I didn’t want them to

Influence you to

Lose you.

.

.

So my peace is death

And knowing this life

Is just another clue

A footprint of a life

We can call

But never knew

.

.

I cannot wait to see you

In all your glory and

True light

I cannot wait to see you

When you realize

This isn’t a fight

.

.

Forgive yourself

For breaking

A part of me that needed

To break

.

.

Forgive yourself

For cutting inside

Your own fucked

headspace

.

.

I am with you regardless

It’s something I’ve learned

To live with

.

.

The grief is new

But I’m flirting with

It like the sick creature

You love and know

Can’t give up

Just because you

Gave me a bad show

.

.

You make me stronger

In everything you do

Cut me down &

Watch me grow

.

.

The perfect teacher

To love & to hate

I couldn’t deny you

This too is my fate

Life•Man

Life is fickle

Life is exhilarating

Life is weird man

Life is a rollercoaster

Hang on

.

.

These are all things people

Have said to me along the way

.

.

I’m curious of what they’ve

Got themselves into

By the words they

Choose for me to hear

Especially the man

Who says

“Life is fickle”

Who have you been

Listening to?

What a shrouded

Tree you

Refuse to bloom

Seems like these

Roots will twist

Deeper & deeper

Until something

Snaps

Find your true keeper

.

.

“Life is weird man”

The artist said

Scratching his head

With a golden smile

In bed

He rolls his eyes

Because his mind is

So alive

He’s the one

We’ve been rooting for

The one who questions

Kindly just curious

In his way confidently

Expresses himself

In immaculate ways

Any instrument he

Can make come alive

But his dark side

Is fickle and has

Become his demise

So I guess we’ll

Hang on to this

exhilarating ride

Fickle or freedom

I’d still make a run

To save him ,confide

To bring back the

Eyes of the one left inside

Dance in a field

And scream white snake

In my ear

Just to make sure you

Are alive again

Fickle play dead

Dormant as skin shed

Combine the two

And live with truth

Life is what you

Make it

Fickle

Or not

Come back

through

To my favorite

Version of you

The authentic truth.

4:32 pm/8:35pm

June 28,2019

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