Killer Apathy

So, in a sense, the most dangerous thing in the world is apathy. We think of weapons, violence, warfare, disease as terrible dangers, and indeed they are, but we can take measures to avoid them. But once our apathy takes hold of us, we can no longer avoid it.”

-Gyalwang Karmapa-

Apathy is the worst weapon

It takes someone you care for

And makes you question

Everything about them

Was anything real?

Have I been delusional

All these years?

How could you be

So cold to me?

Did I make this

Friendship up?

Did I write to myself?

Call myself?

For years

Playing both sides ?

I try to let this go

But still the question

Why? sits there and

Rapes my mind

I don’t want it

I don’t want to remember

But I do

I remember details

I shouldn’t

I remember conversations

As you have forgotten

They still echo on

To me

Why can’t you remember

The last real talk

We were allowed to have ?

Your apathy has

Truly stunned me

How could you be

So monotone ?

How could you say

Enabling on the phone?

What does that even mean?

I wish it made sense to me

I look back and see what

Went wrong

I wasn’t there to defend myself

I wasn’t there

And I’ll never be there again

I asked God to take it all away

Years and years I’ve prayed

Protect us

Guide us

Tell us how to get back home

Your apathy has killed

The part of you I knew

Your apathy has taken

My memories and ridiculed

Turned them blue

If you’d please leave

My mind

Of all people

I can’t stand you

Being unkind

If this is the person

That you are ?

Then I have been

Blind and deaf

All along

8:45 AM


Visual Cues

It’s okay if you

Miss me

I miss you too

The world spins around

I still wonder if you

Remember we come

From a similar

Small town

Do you remember us

As just kids

Dreaming of the world

And wondering if our fears

Would hold us back

Dream-versations for years

The compilation of memories

Could bring me to tears

How does your heart

Stay in one piece ?

Do you still remember

Us being kids ?

Lost and timeless in our actions

Tossed and flightless into the fractions

It’s okay if you think of me

The Lord has a way of

Of reminding us

Letting go was a shame

But inside I cannot control

The haunting of

Your name

It’s etched into me

The way the Lord intended

It to be


I’ve learned a lot in

Your presence

And your silence

No matter the pain

I wish I recognized you

The last several years

I believe and pray

This separation clears

The Lord has a way

Of reminding me of you

He has a way of

Showing me

Your visual cues.

11:45 PM


As the waves come & go

I see you

In another world

Dancing away

Your mind has

Been twirled



I hear you are fine

Maybe your Son

Has made you

Come alive



They picked us

You know?



We still have

A lot of time

We need to grow

We were just kids

Trying to fit in



What a comfort

You were when I

Came cascading in



An escape from my mess

You helped me hurt less




But even I can’t face your

Karma and you cannot

Stand in front on mine



I could lay there forever

And twist your finger

Into mine



I could lay there forever

And feel the energy

Connect us






But it’s moved to the

Back of my mind

A deep deep memory

Lost in the shadows

I still have to find



You’re a wave that crashes

Rolls back under and out

I think you are gone

But here you are again

Fresh water

From a spout



I’ve given up on

The guilt I was led to




I’ve given up on

The Memory

of you

Enabling me



What a call

You made

Thank you

For seeing

It through



You have strength

I don’t possess

You cut the chord

And made me less



I send you peace



You were always better

At forgetting me .



Can’t go too far

Without a reminder

Or a song

Can’t roll my eyes less

Cause the smile

Is where you are



I see you


Floating around



I see you


With your head down



Lift yourself up

As you always used to do

Don’t forget yourself

It’s an easy thing to do







The feeling of belong


Just focus

Hum a tune

Don’t lose your song





Where did the time go?

I can’t help but feel blocked

I can’t help but still feel shocked

I’m going to have a baby

4 months to go

I’m going to have a baby

Fuck where did the time go?

Before you came along

I was meditating yoga-ing

& traveling along

Scheduling the festivals

And dreaming of a van

Marriage came

I gave up my name

But he never treated me

Like a ball and chain

I could come and go

As I please

Standing in front of the band

Never acting like a tease

There for the music

Appreciating the show

Always in love with the music

Never acting like a foe

Monroe came

And everything has changed

Monroe is coming

And I feel so ashamed

What kind of mother will I be?

When I’m terrified I’ll fuck

The life up inside of me

What kind of mother will I be?

When I crave the silence

The dark night brings

I hear so much advice

I decided to hide in my clothes

My stomach is getting bigger

But myself I see her let go

I’m a rollercoaster

I get to blame on hormones

I hate roller coasters

I want the steady

Streaming flow

I know when you are here

I will act more clear

But today I’m in my head

Too early to go to bed

So I lay here wondering



What kind of mother will I be

When I already love you so much

What kind of mother will I be

When I’m terrified for you

To be raised by me?



Will I set you up for success?

Or hover way too much?

Will I let anyone in

Or hide from the congratulations show?



I picture the day I meet you

I can’t contain my tears

I can’t believe your coming

How did God let me have this cheer?



I’m terrified to meet you

But your everything I want

I’m scared of the first time

I’ll hold you

Afraid I’ll never let you go

I fast forward a couple decades

To freak myself out a little more

What will you be like?

When I take you to the show?

I hope you find yourself

Better than I found mine



I hope you have dear friends

That can always read your mind



Don’t hide like I did

I wasted a lot of time



Don’t confide like I did

In the only Dear twin mind



Depend on yourself

At the end of the day

Be your safe space



But don’t be scared to

Let people in

Let them show you

You don’t depend



On them

on me

On old glor-y



It is in you

That you will

Find your truth



Monroe I ask

For forgiveness

We still have 4 months left

Monroe I ask

For patience

I’ve never done this

Mommy thing before



I feel like a child

Finding out I’m

Having a child



I feel insecure

About being your Mother

I feel insecure

I won’t tell another



Monroe your healthy

I saw you this week

My baby your changing

I can’t wait to fully see



I’m going to be a mother

Where did the time go?

A breakup with friends

Never do you think

The ones closest to your

Heart can break it




No romantic relationship

Ending can compare

To the heartbreak

A friend can inflict on you




You are yourself with this friend

Your true self

Not the distortion

You network to everyone else




You tell your hells

To this friends

Things your mother

Would never bare to hear




But here I sit


The friends that

Broke my heart




The friends that

Let everyone else’s

Opinions get to them



Warp our innocent

Friendship in their head



They all broke my heart

Worse than a boyfriend

Ever could



I thought we were

Gonna grow old

Together fellas



Thought we would

Call each other when life

Was getting a little tangled

Up because we don’t know

What we’re doing



I remember when

My stepdad passed

A friend picked me up

In a mustang

Drove me through the

Countryside until

It hurt a little less

It pissed his girlfriend

Off he was there for me

Showing me he couldn’t

Be that way with her

So the jealousy and envy

Grow deeper

One day taking my friend

From me



I remember living

Half alive at the age of 19

Made it to 20 and I couldn’t

Believe the things I had seen

A dark haired boy

With gold in his soul

Without any contract

To me gave me words

To get through an epic low



I believe I could’ve died

The next couple years

Acting like the reincarnation

Of Jim Morrison

But he was there

Such a dear friend



He was there

Until he couldn’t be there


Jealousy and envy

Always comes and

Takes my friends

Showing me

He can’t be there

For her like he

Could effortlessly

Be for me

My sad eyes

Break his heart

When I run to

Him with a new blow

Dusting me off

And telling me to go



These friends of mine

Were sent from the divine

They were taken from me

Because of the insecure minds

The women they chose

Couldn’t handle how close

Their boyfriends, fiancé and husband

Were to me



It shows me they can’t offer to

You what they willingly

Gave to me



My friends

I miss you

My boys

I love you



I cannot call you

But that doesn’t

Mean I can’t

Wish for you



I’ll see you again

That’s just how destiny is

I’ll see you again

It has always been

God’s plan



But for now

I need you

All to know

You broke my heart



Your cowardly ways

Tore me all apart



Showing me

Your colors

Aren’t always

The best part



I thank you

For your time

And hope your

New babies

Have a good life

I pray when you

Think of me

Your heart won’t

Break like mine



I have no guilt

My hands are clean

Don’t brush me off

I’m not your

Wedding ring



If you have chosen

This bed then

Lay in it



If you have chosen

This lead

Then write

With it



But don’t come

To me and tell me

I’m at fault



Don’t come to me

When your the insecurity

Your women holds at fault



You will always think of me

That’s just the way it is

I’ll always think of you

You are the dearest of friends



Boys I’m changing

Laying my sorrow

To rest

I have a new life

I have to live

Can’t wait for you

To unclog your head



When you think of me

Know I send you love

Can’t blame you for

Your stupid ways

That’s not what God wants



I have my memories

Our truths

You can’t remember

Men are so simple

So dull

So fickle

You let them get to you



I stand beside my love

With pride knowing

He would never make

Me do what they made you



He loves my friends

No matter the


And excepts them

As his own



I pray one day

You find a mate

That does the same

For you so when you

Call I won’t even bawl

At the time you made us lose.




12:30 pm


Dear Music

I fell in love with you

When I was just a kid

Didn’t know what love

Was but I felt in sink in



I carried it with me

Unwilling and intimidated

Somehow knowing it’s all

Impossible to get faded



I fell in love with the distance

Knowing I could never get too close



The last time I graced a stage I

Sang with Casper the ghost



I fell in love with your presence

It has to be sent from above

Divine madness that is sinking in



A love for music

I can’t quit within

Love it

Hate it

It’s part of my skin



Some days I feel so far away

But know one day

I’ll come back to play

This is my home

The world is where I roam

Hoping one day I’ll

Pick up my phone



hear that guitar play



And the world will

Be put back in place



You wait for a tour

I wait to see it

You take the pictures

I study through it

I am the muse

The one that’s

Impossible to lose



I fell in love with you

When I was a kid

Can’t turn down this

Love unless I forget

Where I came from



The piano in the white room

The keyboard in camp points tomb

The acoustic collecting dust

The lyrics & rhymes that claim lust



Oh music I love you again

Always will

Can’t ever end

I die in this life

And come back to

Play again

I die in this life

And sink my

teeth back in



I am no longer mine

I am yours

Music fill me

With your course



Take my ears

But please don’t force

You have my love

My loyalty Ofcourse



Dear music

I am your muse

I can’t stop love you




June 12,2019

Our Legacy

Do you still get shook

When our paths

Fall in line



Do you still ask why

I come freely to your mind



There is life in me

But I don’t get to tell you that

There is life in her

I can see her getting that



My third eye

Isn’t blind

My mind idles high

Coming to the crown

I’ll be able to see more



Got to take care of myself

This isn’t just about your blow



I have a life to live too

Even if you make me blue

I have a baby who needs me

You have a baby coming too



How weird is the distance

When the common

Seems to keep us true



How weird is this absence

When you know you want to call



I can see you in my dreams

Unprovoked cut up streams



They give me signs

Of your full force demise

But don’t worry baby

This was written in the skies



Your legacy is growing

You should be so fucking pleased

Your legacy is showing

Just let go and enjoy the breeze



The only thing set in stone

Is you and me and the trees



The only things that is worth

Knowing is your little one is growing

Everything else will come effortlessly



I know you want to run

I would do just the same

I can’t imagine what it’s like

Sacrificing yourself in vein



Do they even know what you’ve

Given up or do you just act

Like it’s a shame



Do they even know you

Are in your mind with

Someone else name?



How could you lay

Your head down

On the chopping

Block anymore



You never did from the beginning

You let me sit there and take your blows



You think I wanted to have this

But I’m keen on giving what you want

Even if it kills me

And takes me for a haunt



We are going to evolve

Much better than we could

We are going to unbind

The selfishness in you



Your legacy is growing

Be sure to pick a strong name



Your legacy is showing

That love is not the first

Part of the game



Keep buying them everything

I’m sure that’s all they want

Money hungry security

When it’s never what you want



Do you remember how many holes

Used to sleep with us in your blanket?

Do you remember the pillow

We shared with while laying naked?

How far away that seems

But in the end it comes in dreams

I can’t choose this vision

It’s stuck melted in my brain

You have more ammo to discredit

This un-denying pain



I pray you find your sanity

In this never ending game

I pray I find some peace of mind

And continue to think just too kind



I could’ve came unglued

But what good would that do



Everyone has figured a way

To get along with her



I remember when I was brainwashed

Into thinking you should go

I remember how upset they got

When I wouldn’t let you go



Losing me

Is losing you

You won’t get it

Until you sink

Back to the blue



I really hope I’m by my phone

When you get that low

Because if I’m not

You’ll fuck up a lot

And pull that trigger

And go



It’s not what I want

But I’ve already called

Left that voicemail

To jiggle your thoughts

Remind you

That you

Can’t be alone

Even if your married

To someone you

Can’t call home



I’m sure you’ll figure it out

Someday maybe one day

I’ll catch you in the rain

We’ll laugh and we’ll smile

Of the childish things

We say

We’ll laugh and we’ll cry

As we think of the time we waste

Look in my eyes

Realize I’m not the disgrace



All that matters now

Are the babies coming to be

All that matters now is my

Daughter forming healthily



I see a son

Or maybe my sexes are turned around

I guess I’ll wait till the vision

Comes through

And bounces off a cloud



A gateway I can’t close

So daunting but so true



Spirit babies

What a mess you

get to choose



4 shocked parents

Many fingers & toes

on the way

Babies babies babies

Is all we have to say



For once it isn’t about us

This curse or this cross



For once it isn’t about us

Even though I must feel lost



You were the first I told

When life was a ring


You aren’t that call at all

So I hope you hear me sing



I have life inside of me

She’s begging to come free

I have life inside of me

I wish you were here to see

1:37 PM July 5th

Heartless Clogged Facade

Why is there

A longing for more?

More credit

More clothes

More empty items

To never expose

Such a gaping (w)hole



It’s a trap

All the commercials

Credit cards


It’s an addiction

Something that drove me

To the mundane



Keeping up with the jones

Turning myself into

A step-ford for about

10 hours a day



I couldn’t keep up

The facade

I was fading away

Nobody saw me

I just kept up

With the applause

Living a lie

And denying

The withdrawal



I have to sell everything

That has put me in this

Mess , sat down

Wrote down my debt

I was astonished

The hole I had dug

25k is something

I didn’t expect to get

A fixed rate love

Nothing coming from above

My own hell created

With a new wardrobe

& gloves



A thrift store find

Leading to credit card

Scores decline

Paying my bills

On time

But still never

Feeling truly alive

I can’t stand the

Rat race



I wish God

Would come

& make us face

What we have done

To his beautiful Earth

What we have killed

Denying his truth

Most of the wealth

Goes to suppressing

What helps



Most of the wealth

Goes to ensuring

Middle classes death

But don’t worry

He’s coming



So pay back that interest

Grab that new car

And drive that

Fucker far



When you get to

The mountains

Go stand up on top

Fall to your knees

And say Lord

Let me breath



I see myself clearly

I am a fool to believe

Plastic is entrapment

& marketing so vein

Making me feel

I’m not good enough

Unless I play the credit

Card game



I have so much

To pay back

Pay off & prove

But what does it matter

When I’m the only

One that will lose



No better interest rate

For my 800 score sake

No deeper connection

In my unshaken faith



Is God and money

Really connected like

They say

Kill me now

If this is all

Our fates



We’re ran by the unseen

Most walking around

At this point

No ones hands are clean



We ‘re tied to the chain

Of the industry of things

Filling it endlessly

Until one day

They say we are the kings



But the only king

Is the Almighty himself

And we cannot take

These possession

When we fall to our hell



When I stand before him

I am terrified of my sin

These things I was talked into

By friends and relatives remain



Come this way

They’ll give you a great deal

Fast track

First class

VIP for an exchange

A salesman was once

A kind man



Distorted by the pipers toll

There is nothing we can

Do now but wait for the

True End Times come full



Watch the stock market crash

And wonder where do we go



I clear myself for heaven

And the rewards that hang below

Grounding myself lightly

And going with my flow



I was apart of the pay off

A whistleblower now

I’ll rock the boat


Till you run to me

And ask me how



I mean no harm

To you or me

My true intent

Is for us to be set free



Take off these chains

That God didn’t place

Run away from the salesman

Who claims he’s great



Clear your mind

Find what is unkind

Bind it right

Never let it get out alive



Purify yourself

And no opposing

Will find you



Devil Angel

Has your back

Write down your goals

Make a plan away

From marketing mayhem



Find yourself

And never let go

You are not your job

Your house

Or your car

You can’t take it with you

So why don’t you just let it go?

2:01 pm

July 4,2019

Hate the Sin Love the Sinner

Stay asleep

I can’t care

Caring gets me

Closer to

Nowhere with you

I’m still the problem

When I’ve faced myself

Dug down deep

And pulled out the hell




I showed you the flame

And you point and say

Your to blame

You can’t forgive

When you’ve never

been taught



Shoving it down

Will just bubble up



Pretending to not feel

Will raise a devastating appeal

Your body will revolt

From the resentment

Hiding below



You’ll bloat from

Apathy and reward

Your disdain



But here I am

I hold ALL fault

I told you the truth

And you still

Want me to fall



Shall I get on my knees

And say oh please

Forgive me please?

Well sorry this bow

Is for the Lord

He’s the only one

Who holds the keys

You just keep pointing

And telling me my faults

Telling me I should say nothing

Since I’ve sinned too fucking much

I don’t believe

I’ll call you as often

Or anymore

You think of your

Own opinion too

Much to hear

Me when I fall

I was always too much


Too dramatic


Won’t shut the fuck up


So selfish


Such a brat


I went into the world

And they said the same thing

No one ever taught me

My emotions were insane

They just kept beating me

Into submission

Why can’t you be just the same?

Your head is in the clouds

You’ll crash down one day



I don’t know who says that

To a child that’s a dreamer

I don’t know how bad you

Have to feel inside to

Poison me with your lows



You actually thought

You were helping me

Telling me all my faults



If I picked at you

You would come unglued

And turn into a dragon

Whose been waiting

For a feud.



This isn’t easy

Looking at myself

But isn’t easy when you

Think I haven’t experienced

My own personal hell

Some self inflicted but

Who knew I was

Supposed to actually

love myself



I thought it was a saying

Some cliche thing

I see now why God

Made you blind

Go back and talk

About the president

Politics and the

Rest of the unkind

I promote what I love

And send no energy

To the hate rising from below

It’s easy to hate in this world

Easy to judge and say

It’s okay

I am not perfect

But at least I’m

Vowing to change my ways

As we have our talks

And I poke at your thoughts

I see your defensiveness

Rising from your gut

I am the problem

My truths do no good

I am the defect

You should’ve hangered

In the woods

My whole life I thought

I was too much for you

My whole life I thought

I could never live up to you

My whole life I thought you’d be

Better off with two

And today I find out

That this doesn’t have

To be my noose

I’ve lost my friends

My family

And my foes

I don’t know what’s left

But To hang this hat and

Let it go

I refuse to listen

To the words you

Think would help

You’ve done more for me

Than you’ll ever know

But to act like staying

At your feet would help me

Grow is a blow I have to

Take into myself

I wasted a lot of time

Thinking I could be like you

I wasted a lot of my soul

Blacking it and blue



You will never know

My story because

You think it’s your fault

You will never know my story

Till you buy it on a shelf

Or read it in the dark



I gave you open access to

Listen to my soul

But in the end

“I feel nothing ”

And I’m heading for my goals

I am alive with pride

That I can feel inside

I am alive with divine

Knowing God has me

In or outside

So please don’t tell me

What you think I am

You don’t know what

I’ve done to get here


The heaven and the hell


I’m a walking fucking

Miracle with one foot

In the grave

I choose the living and the

Dead as my safe space

I choose the sinners

And the poor as you

Mock them on the floor

You’ve never been so low

You’ve never hated yourself

As much as I have

You’ve never abused yourself

To the devils that I have

You’ll never know that pain

Because God knows if he gave you

My plate you would be clinically insane

But I wear it as a badge

I fucking found myself

No help from the doctors

No therapist to help me cling on

Note cards & falter



I found myself in

The wind

I found myself in the dirt

I found myself In the woods

Running through the streams

With the animals insects and

Broken cut off streams



I know what you have lost

But we aren’t aloud to discuss

So when I am able to talk

So boldly of things you hush hush

I know I am not the problem

I’m the awakening

Of your illusions



I can’t stress

If we have different views

You held me down for so long

Thinking this is your truth



If I struck a chord

Then go put it back in tune

If I struck a nerve

Then don’t let it consume

I’m starting a family

With or without you

But I won’t live in a divide

Of someone’s else

Distorted truths



The past is the past

But you prefer to

Show me it like I blow

Your past is your past

So I’m gonna need you to

Let mine go



I have an opinion

And can turn on judgement eyes

It’s easy this world needs to go



I was sent to sin and learn my lessons

And pass the knowledge

Before God let’s me go home



But I’m not supposed to waste my time

With the ones who say I’m low

Love falling on deaf ears

Cause your perspective

Is just your own created show


You are not safe in your cave

Of unlit flames

You are not safe in this

Life we’ve built with shame

Secrets have surrounded us

So much I thought it was cool

Nobody knows us!

You can’t figure us out

But we will be there if

You feel low




An enigma of relatives

That can certainly put on a show

But I’m tired of fighting

And being told I’m the

only one biting

When the divide has been

Our settle down joe



I’d like to come home

Where family is full

Where we can talk about

Passions and when we don’t

Know where to go

I never want to hear

Everything will be fine

I need a conversation

Some details to flow

I’m different from you

And you damn well did know



You supported my arts but

It got pretty dark

I went into something

You thought was a black mark

But this is my life

My karma to fix



So keep pointing and telling

You don’t know how to fix

It’s my life’s mission

To tell my truths

I’m sorry your hiding

But people are dying

And someone needs

to do more than point



I’m going to find them

All the misunderstood

The tortured

The raped

The drugged up and bruised



I will hold them

While their families

Stare in distance

I will listen to their pain

And help them throw up

Their misguidance



We are all mirrors

To learn from one another

But the second you are your

Profession well that is

Just another dead lesson



Maybe one day

We can have our little chat

Maybe one day

You’ll join me on that mat

But that isn’t today

And you have to understand

I am okay



Dismay is apart of it

I’m living my worst fears

As we speak

Losing a loved one

And not knowing how to cope


How do I live without you

When your so far away

I don’t get to look up at the heavens

And feel saved

I know your walking around

With strings pulling down

Maybe one day

I won’t feel like

I have to make a sound



But it’s crucial I find them

The tortured & the damned

It’s crucial I love them

Before all the miracles

Come and claim demand



I know God is coming

This world is too damn bad

I know God has got me

And you even if we

Make each other sad



I send you love

And wish for peace

In a world who thinks

Those words are a joke



Here I am smiling

That this world is

Going to explode



Call it the rapture

Judgement day

Or the blow



I am here a servant

Of God’s impending blow

I ask him for his mercy

On the things I didn’t know

I ask him to forgive me

For the things I didn’t show



So please don’t point your finger

I’ll break it and let go

12:50 pm

July 2nd

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