Let’s look back together

You know I wanted to be a rockstar.

It’s all I thought about growing up.

I was raised IN music. It’s all I knew.

Our uncles played music and ran sound

For anybody and my stepdad was a badass

Drummer and we always went to wherever

He played. I was young but I remember.

Music was everywhere and there was always

Someone singing it or showing a new song.

I was in a garage band with my cousin.

We played at a rundown motel if the garage

Wasn’t available and at that time I thought I

Was going to be the next Amy Lee , you know

Evanescence. I allowed my emotions to flow

straight to a pen never really looking for any

other way to heal. I had found it when I found

poetry and when a boy played guitar next to

me I turned them into lyrics.

Honest to God I never pictured college or

growing up to be a normal human being.

I pictured a tour bus with my band traveling

the world. I remember asking my sister one

night when I was maybe 10 if she would be my

tour manager cause I was going to be Big.

At least that’s what I pictured in my head.

I’d find a counterpart

who loves music just as much as I do and I

would know he was the right one because of

how we sing together. It would sound like we

were made to harmonize together; like our

purpose finally came to light when we found

each other on stage.

These are the things I pictured from a young

age. Music was my life and it sickens me to

know how far away I feel from a piano or even

my own vocal chords.

After high school before I felt the end of my

twenties closing in on me I had a wild run that

I still reminisce on a lot. I was going wherever

the wind took me and I was surrounded by

music and musicians. So many shows, miles,

like minded people. A community of

passion and raw emotion just all trying to

connect themselves with the world.

I think if I had a time

machine these are the years I would return to.

Time wasn’t fickle to me , it was infinite. We

had all the time in the world and whatever we

felt we wrote down and played. Spiral

notebooks were a way to release your soul and

hold your deepest secrets until you found a

melody to twist them in to.

Our journals that lie dormant in a closet now

used to be the only thing we could truly talk to.

I did all of this.

I let the music get away from me and I’m sad.

If you know what it feels like to create a piece

of your soul on paper or an instrument then

you know what I am missing. I can sit in my

Room & write & play even put a video on

YouTube if I wanted to but it’s not the same.

Time has taken all of us away from those days;

From the garage, from the motel and

from the stage.

Some days I wonder about a different path I

could’ve taken. I think we all do. Especially the

older we get. We become aware it is us who

was driving our lives the whole time.

Today I am not a musician but my daydreams

Are still filled with me singing and touring.

If I had to end this with a lesson it would be

Don’t let fear stop you

&

time is not on your side.

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If you are out there…

My soul brings you up.

I push it away.

My mind filters our memories

As I shove them away.

If you are out there…

I can honestly say

I feel you too.

If you are out there

I miss you too.

Maybe we had to part ways

Just so we could find each other

In different ways.

Remember the phone calls ?

We didn’t know what those were for.

Now look at us.

We’re living separate lives

With only memories as contact.

If you are out there …

I hear you.

If you are out there…

I didn’t hang up.

Some things are better left to me myself and I.

I feel a lot.

A lot of emotion.

A lot of your emotion.

A lot of his emotion

And a lot of her emotion.

So I shove it down and

write it out. It’s be-you-tiful

But…

I’ve set some of my past and current writings to private as to reflect on them privately.

Let the dust collect on them without disturbance, so to speak.

I love reading my past selves thoughts but some have turned into collected memories.

Thanks for reading.

Anxiety in my Veins

Most people will say “Happiness is a choice” and to an extent I believe it. But does that also mean that pain, fear and anxiety and whatever other emotion I’m feeling is a choice? I’m asking because I beg my anxiety to go away everyday.

Before I go to bed I tell myself to wake up in the morning and really be productive. Wether it be yoga, cleaning, a walk , just something to get my day moving in the right direction. I repeat it to myself until I fall asleep hoping the person who wakes up in the morning gets the memo.

My boyfriends alarm goes off at 8. My internal clock tells me 9. I wake up for it but I don’t listen to the instructions from the night before. Instead I am met with a rock on my chest and a lump in my throat. I say positive things to myself just to make it to my tooth brush somedays. That is something no one wants to admit.

My day looks like a mountain when I wake up. There are things at the house that should’ve been done weeks ago, everyday cleaning , laundry. I think of going to work and the rock weighs me down more. I’m running out of time in the only couple hours of freedom I have.

Freedom.

What do you think about doing if you didn’t have to work everyday?

Its a story I play through my mind like a fantasy everyday.

Fragile Living

As I pass through my writing I observe them as many Cheyennes. Many parts of myself come out of me as I walk through my memories I post for the world to connect with. I bought this website to reflect on myself and my choices but most importantly I didn’t want to feel alone and isolated in my writing. I knew whatever I wrote down someone would feel the same way somewhere out there.

Lately ive been feeling fragile with the changes I am making in life. I am feeling the realization of my actions impacting others. My boyfriend, my boss, my staff, my co workers. I put too much on myself and have been known in the past to hold myself back for others. It’s nothing malicious but I see my guilt and worry for others is holding me back and holding onto me.

A man once told me “the most selfish thing you can ever do is take care of yourself.” I was baffled the first time I heard that phrase. But as I put the phrase into motion I realized just how hard it is to focus on yourself. Especially when you’ve been the giver, the shoulder and the hero. None of those titles leave room for yourself and if you do have time it is interrupted by your batman signal flying.

Being mindful is one thing, but being mindful of yourself is another. When I forgot to eat I know I’ve given away a lot of myself to something or someone. When I didn’t get much sleep I realize I’ve maxed out today’s hours tomorrow. Everyone does these things but ask yourself is this your lifestyle habits or does this randomly happen to you? I realized it was becoming my lifestyle. I realized I was becoming fragile while I was running on fumes. I’ve given too much of myself and in return I was weak. I wasn’t rewarded with an accomplished mindset ; I was rewarded with muscles and mind weakening. I still have fears and stress that keep me awake, my spine sits weird if work wasn’t proper or I didn’t give it my all. I feel I’m not good enough some days and wonder how the hell I got so deep into a buy-in industry. My work is not who I am but my work consumes my whole life. It keeps me up so late I miss mornings with my love. I miss the perfect morning breeze with my coffee and I miss out on the peace and tranquility I desire the most. I want to feel consistency.

Consistently happy

consistently strong

consistently at peace

tranquil

lately I’ve been feeling fragile in the choices I am making. I feel like I will always be letting someone down. But in this self sulking self realizing epiphenious moment I understand I can’t let myself down. I’ve fought for myself for so long I know I can’t surrender myself.

It felt Right 

I get asked a lot how I just up and moved from home without a notice or a second thought. 

How I was able to turn my life upside down in a matter of days to weeks and situate myself comfortably 5 months later like this had been my home all along. 

The answer. 

It felt right. 

Over the past few years exploring the world and surrounding counties of my homestead I’ve been offered several times to move to various states or cities. It never felt right. Something was off with the landing gear so to speak. I didn’t like the idea of where I’d be starting or even what was to  surround me didn’t pull me enough in the direction I was offered. 

I was 90 miles from Cuba almost to Key West when my phone rang and my favorite soul was on the other end. We talked for hours and amoung the conversations he told me ” it never mattered how close I stayed to home; I always left to explore then came back. That’s better than moving to another city and having that be the only thing you explore.” My stomach got the butterflies for my fever of wanderlust once again. I knew just by that conversation my life was going to change rapidly when I hit the Illinois line. I felt it the whole ride home. 

When KC came calling it was a moment I was not prepared for but hit like a freightrain when I realized it was very possible and very soon coming. I remember I was going up into a headstand to clear my mind and just let everything go for a few minutes when golly gee the idea came to me and I fell over saying” yes!” as I did it. 

Thankfully I was home by myself as to not expose the epiphany of ideas that had just rang into my mind. I let it simmer in me for a couple days and in the mean time let life do it’s thing. I had friends just move to KC and they were coming to take me to lunch days after my “fallout idea.” 

With optimism in hand we drove off to lunch and before I could finish my appetizer they told me how I need to move to KC…

Now. 

As in we can pack the car right now and be there in 3 1/2 hours. We will come back at the end of the month for everything else. “You have to come,” they said. I knew my roommates and my family would need more time to process this then I would so I did the right thing and told the KC bandwagon to give me some time and let everyone in on these life changing ideas. 

When I mean give them some time I mean: friends came on a Sunday; by Tuesday my family knew ; by Thursday my roommates knew and by Saturday I was driving to KC for an extended stay and a job interview that could put me right to work by that following Tuesday. It all happened so fast I didn’t even have time to kiss my dog goodbye before I was gone for 2 weeks wondering what I was getting myself into. I left without saying goodbye to a lot of people in the beginning… Leaving;no explanation just “hey I gotta go!” 

As I sat on my friends couch watching their two year old play on the floor I realized this apartment with these two friends I love dearly and a baby I’ve known since she was in her mamas belly would be my new home until I figured out how to get an apartment. That could be months! Oh let’s not forget the 3 story house I had to move out of in 3 weeks 4 hours away and store everything that belongs to me for 3-6 months “somewhere safe” so when I figure it out I’ll still have stuff to decorate with! 

My head started to spin. I questioned if I was doing the right thing! Should I go back?! Should I stay?! Every question a person could ask themselves… I did. 

Finally… It was night time and my thoughts were tiring out and I was enjoying the moments of silence on the deck. I looked up at the opening in the sky and just saw the stars. I looked at them as if I’d never seen these constilations before. The air smelt as fresh as the pine tree growing next to me. The sounds weren’t of familiarity to me. It was in those moments of the fresh night sky and the tamed breeze of the new;that I was right where I needed to be. I needed to look around and not recodnize anything. I needed to look up and know I’d never seen the sky from this angle. It was to date one of the best realizations of life I’ve had. 

I pointed up to the sky and said “Lord here I am; it feels right to be here; if it’s not meant to be; let me know.” 

I poured one out for the homies off the top floor of an apartment building after my talk with the Lord. I felt the ending of my prayer should be a shout out to the ones who brought me here; pushed me here ; and kept me here. 

I am rounding the corner to 6 months living in KC. I held up my friends couch the first 3 months. As soon as my apartment was available my parents loaded a trailer with my life in it and hauled it to my new home. 

For my parents it felt like the moment you take your kid to college and drop them off. Except for them it was harder because they knew I wouldn’t visit home as often and this will be the closest I will ever live to home again. 

Coming here has expanded my mind even wider to the possibilities the world has to offer. I know next time I will toss a lot more things in the dump instead of feeling so attached to my belongings. I know as long as I can remember I’ve trusted my gut and it’s never steered me wrong. I’m so thankful to have the support system I do even though their miles away. I wake up everyday feeling there is a new adventure at my feet; as I turn off to another exit sign Siri tells me to do I smile brightly knowing I’ve fully embraced the unknown and made it my own. It just keeps feeling right. 

Lockness 

There is a man in my head. 

He refuses to detach from my memory

I refuse to detach from  him. 

This man holds sides of me

Confides in me. 

Supplies me with what I need to get through the night when my mind idles on the vision of something so pure. 

I can’t look away from him. 

He is stuck in my head. 

Burned 

Etched 

Stained 

Call him my synopsis 

He is my thought process 

My lockness. 
A ghostly reminder 

Another bind to her 

My Caspered innocence (in-no-sense) 

It makes no sense. 

To me there is something so deep and beautifully tortured about a love gone bye. I have loved and never stopped loving. Burnt infront of his eyes and healed like a timed promise. The man in reference should be men… There is more than one that lay on my conscience;each playing a role in my life then disapating over time like dust in the wind. (kansas reference)  

Each one dances in my mind as a reference point of parts of the past. A thank you reigns from my heart for their time.that familiar chyme. Their memories etched into my heart; hands crossed ;waiting for a bless. 

 Yet the times are so far away they are fabled as my lockness. 

Tattooed to remember Me

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Tattoo….You?.”

i have many tattoos.

All special to me…

they represent a time.

A freedom…memory.

something I never want

to forget.

My arm tells the story of the fall leaves dancing down my bicep spun around by the blue wind hurrying to take it all away.

It says ” for we are but of yesterday and know nothing , because our time on Earth is a shadow. ”  

it’s a daily reminder that I am not on my time. On the backside it reads “Remember who you are” while little simba hides in the blue swirl of wind cascading down my arm. My artwork is a stunning reminder of the lessons I have learned and ones I will not soon forget. My rib is tainted with the words of another saving my life with each simple phrase.

” Live the poisoned pain as If  every drip is one of passion. You’re alive. Feel alive. Stay alive.”  

How these words have kept me going far past the times I thought I could let go. It’s easy to lose yourself in this world. There are so many distractions and temptations thrown at us daily. 

I marked myself different.

 I did it so I would never give in to what “they” want from me. I know who I am and I know I’m still meeting myself. I never want to forget but I never want to deny myself as well. I am tattooed to Remember Me.

I am in love with the World 

I picture myself years from now, wondering if I am doing the right thing. My mind burst with ways to escape the bore I feel sometimes and I wonder if I have the strength to indulge in the unknown. 

 I am in love with the World   

Not a man. Not the idea of a family. but the world is my love. I get a taste of what I like from every state or country I’ve been in and I can’t get enough. I dream of the travels at night like you should dream of a love you are waiting on. I research the world like you Facebook Staulk your new love interest. I buy things that can fit into my backpack like you buy things to get his attention. 

Think of the way that you love your significant other. That is the way I love the world. It keeps me guessing. The way you look into their eyes is the way I look into the sky. I see the birds fly wherever they choose and that is the only stint of jealousy my soul holds. 

           For the birds 

They can fly anywhere. With nothing but their feathers. Sit up as high as they want while we build monstrous machines to reach their heights. They can stay as long as they want and on a whim without even a goodbye fly off into whatever sunset they so choose. 

      My family has my heart 

I am inked in many places of my body to keep my loved ones near me. I knew a long time ago I’d never stay in one place but I wanted to carry them with me. I wanted to see something of them on me. I miss them ; It’s a feeling I get used to day after day. Something I eventually don’t focus on I just put it up above. Sometimes I think I am missing out on things back home but the reality is I know I’m not. They are living their lives and I am trying to find mine. I picture waking up in a different city everyday to every week. A one night stand with a city of my choice is the perfect life to me. 

              The fear 

I don’t want to lift my head up one day and realize I lived for someone else because I was afraid of the unknown. I want to venture out further than the restraints of my comfort zone and fears. I have this want for meeting strangers just to hear about their lives. This is all unpredictable. This is all just a dream. A jumbled up mess we have created ; our canvases painted on the land gifted to us. 

I am in love with the world. I don’t think anyone can take its place. There is a reason I think this way. A reason I am this way. 

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