Marilyn

What goes through your mind when you think of her?

                           I can still hear her laugh.

                           She had the best laugh.

Letting someone who is such an idol in your life go is hard. Even knowing it was their time. But when she left it felt like the end of an era for my mother. A realization I saw cast upon her face is a look burned into my memory for later observation. Some people go all through their lives going through the motions and dealing with grief the best they can when life throws them the reality we will all die someday. But some of Us harness our memories so close to ourselves I believe we think we can maybe go back to those days. 

” the simpler times” 

Reflecting back into your vault of memories everyone holds dear it acts as a mental time machine. It is a comfort zone and a safe haven for most. The emotions disapate over time and you are left with the memories you replace with what you thought you felt in those times. Yes you’ll always remember the real moments of first this and first that but I’m talking about when life gets rough and you close your eyes and think about “happier times” and your mind automatically voids out the bullshit you were going through at the time and pulls out your memories like the perfect Facebook time line. We all do it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, there are just things to form caution on when comparing your past memories to the present you face now. The featured picture is a road destroyed by a storm my siblings and I would spend most of our childhood driving atv’s down and playing in the creek. Those were the best times growing up. I am older now and we still return to this place a couple times every year. I’m lucky to be able to return to such a happy stomping ground but my reality is seeing how much bigger my footprints in the sand are from those times when youth and innocence went hand in hand for us. 

“The guiding truth we don’t seek”   

After Marilyn passed I watched my mom grieve another time in my life that it was hard to watch. Hard to watch because seeing my mother in any form of unhappiness or sadness rips my heart to shreds. She deserves to always smile and feel joy. In that time with her though I saw something more in the conversations we spoke. I saw her vail of life being lifted. Her memories put into place so to speak. Even though she had been living her life far past the car rides and late night sleepovers at Marilyn’s, it hit her the day of the funeral that it all was truly over. Those were the past and you can’t get it back. It was very overwhelming to see this realization in her. I knew she didn’t expect to feel that way and I never intended on seeing that truth. But we both did. 

” It’s like the end of an era “

I can’t help but feel haunted by that phrase she said. I hear it sometimes without effort of digging for it in my brain. I think I keep it in my mind as a pre-coping for when that sentence will come true to me. We are all born and we will all die. It’s not a thought to wake up to every morning but it is a reality that is proven to us daily. 

I wrote a passage about Marilyn at the time of her death. The title is German so it isn’t that hard to find in the scrolling of my posts. The phrase is written on our family crest. That phrase describes Marilyn so perfect I am honored to have known such a women who held her family so near to her heart. She was and will forever be Pleasant and Brave. She is that face we miss at holidays the most because we thought she would live forever.