This is my fate

You used to make me want to live

Now I can’t wait to die

Just so I can see you again

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That was what I got

From my meditation today

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I knew there was something

Still inside I wasn’t facing

With my full attention

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It’s grief

Continued agonizing grief

I keep trying to process

As a light hearted grief

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But it’s not

It’s deep

Rooted

Buried in me

Something I can’t explain

Means everything to me

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I used to be a moth

Flying to my flame

Flapping anxiously

Around it

Never giving it a name

.

But running towards

It like my life depended

On if I made the trip & came

.

Now i fly here

Darkness

& that

Light is now

a dim beam

.

Walking around

Cautiously wondering

Who is to blame

.

Its you coward

You listen to the wrong ones

Thought they had your best

Intentions so you kept

Going with the flow

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If I were a ship I’d crash

Cause your lighthouse

Is broken

No light rotating

Guiding me to

Come home

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I must admit

Most days I am great

I emit my own light

This is my fate

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But I can’t shake

The grief that

Something isn’t right

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With the light

I used to call

My safe place

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Is the chest the same

Or has it become mundane

Disguised as a marriage

With true sin surrounding

No names

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Why even look in the mirror

When you know it’s not good

Clouding our memories

And hiding in a hood

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Can’t face yourself

So you tell me

To lose my grip

I was standing on a canyon

You were hanging below

Don’t slip

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Driving along IL

With the ringing

“You”calling

I didn’t see this coming

.

Of all the premonitions

This one is of my stunning

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I could’ve wrecked my car

When that voice came through

I couldn’t believe it wasn’t you

Who the fuck was I talking to?

“You sound nice” .ha. Accidentally

Slipped through. Smacking my head

You weren’t supposed to read into that

Shortened vision quest

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My nightmares were true

All your friends said

That it wouldn’t be you

Brace yourself cause

Gordon is through

He’s just not the same

I think he’s stuck in his brain

Connecting pretending

That this is his game

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I never wanted your ring

Your filthy fling

Or you to buy me

petty little things

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I wanted to talk

Vent what we’ve always

been through

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I needed a friend

For what I was going through

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But no friend was there

Just a man in despair

Giving me lines

His chains had written for him

Giving me lines

He made himself believe in

The Placebo is real

But you’ve used it so wrong

.

That power of the mind

Was for the stage

Not to inflict pain

Now it sits in her envious cage

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I wanted to provoke you

Into all of your

Ever loving truth

I wanted you to find someone

Who would top me

Care for you & the divine

Art that so easily poured

Out of you

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But here we are

Playing far

Pretending I

Don’t still miss you

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These miles stretch on

But I still see you

In every guitar

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I could sway forever

Waiting for you to come

Back to the stage

Write the song

You’ve been meaning to

While I’ve been gone

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You know it’s been years

And feels like dragging on

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It’s easier for me

To admit then

Gnawing at my thumbs

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I’m sure if you read

This it’s stun would

Do you good

Maybe even better

Then When THE END

Should’ve played for you

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Where did he go?

This man with such truth?

The eyes I couldn’t stay on too long?

Where did he go?

Did the one I love turn blue?

Maybe his puppet strings

Are just waiting for his Cue

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My senses are heightened

As I find life living in me

My meditations are

Heartbreaking

With images of you

I asked them to make

Me blind to thee

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Take him away

From all of my memories

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If I could cut this chord

God knows I would’ve

A decade ago

Never answered my phone

For that tone or voice

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I would’ve deleted

Your voicemail

Like I deleted

Your wife’s bullshit

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But I’ve found in my

Short time

I’m a pit bull

To abuse

I’ll stay on this chain

While you hang from a noose

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Enjoy the booze

I know it helps you cut loose

Make yourself feel better

By claiming no truth

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Blame me for problems

You did on your own

Feel guilt and despair

While I cry alone

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I sit with this grief

Like it’s the last bit

Of you I have

I keep thinking one day

You won’t make me so sad

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I really wouldn’t care if

You never did call

What would I do

If I picked up this ball

Now I’m lying

Trying to cover

My withdraws

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I really just want you

To live up to your potential

That musician man so tall

Go back to the hotel

The hallways

Tell me truths

.

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Go back to the bath tub

Dip your toes in

Let’s confess our faults

.

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The light comes too soon

And I have to let go of

My favorite spoon

Crawl away with your eyes closed

It kills me to say I gotta go

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I can’t stay where I am not fully wanted

I can’t stay where you hide in me also

Your my charge port

My greatest life lesson

A fast track of a karmic

Progression

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I pray for you

Like you’ve passed on

Killed my friend

And wrote you a song

I have to write forever

Like all great artists do

Living a life

While missing their muse

I see now while all the

greats

Go insane

They have a choice

Heartbreak or Mundane

In the end we end

Up on the same plane

If you’ve read this

far can you pull

Out your guitar

And write what is in

Your heart?

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I’m dying inside

To see what you hide

In that glass house

Of yours

.

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Are you an ATM?

Feeling validated

By being such a man

A provider for a women

Who claws at you

For things

Never caring for your mind

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Give me your mind

You know I will treat it kind

Give it to me

So I can confide

Send me your love

And I’ll keep it safe above

Give me your mind

So I can close up this divine

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I wonder what it’s like

Missing me

It’s a sick denial

I wish to encompass

.

A slow burning death

That can only end in trumpets

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I’ve finally found the creature

You loved in me

Took her in and broke

The chains she used

To sit with comfortably

Gave her a bed

Told her to rest her head

Maybe he will find himself

And come back one day

She lays there and cries

While I hold her ever so tight

Telling her in retrospect

She was too bright

The world beat her

The men defeated her

The drugs depleted her

But you did the worst

Denying a lifeline

That can easily feel cursed

I didn’t choose this either

But you fucking pushed

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If I could go back

I wouldn’t beat her

I would’ve loved her

Years ago before you

Could ever leave a mark

I would’ve held her better than

You so I wouldn’t crave you in the dark

If this is what sick is

Then I’ll write it out everyday

My favorite form of poison

Is a man I named dismay

I wish that I could scream

But what an alarm that would

Sound these days

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I wish I could tell you everything

Because it’s hard you aren’t around

The last time I saw you I was rushed away

Cried the whole ride home

Cause I knew our fate

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The cloud of karma had finally

Reached its ground

And here you are

Screaming but I’m deafened

By your new sound

.

I see you in every guitarist

Vocalist or crowd

I think I’d pass out if

I saw you

Or turn and run

For the opposite of your crowd

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I never wanted you as my possession

Never a status symbol for myself

I wanted to stand in the dark

And listen to the love you got

From the crowd

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I didn’t mean to speak to you the

Night you called my phone

I wanted so bad to block you

But I can’t hide from Casper

I’m always going to answer for you

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I’m scared your experiencing

Where I’ve been

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I’m always going to answer for you

Cause I couldn’t stand you wearing thin

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I’m always here for you because you

Helped me find my truth

Little by little

You didn’t let me die within

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You know what you were doing

Captivated by my noose

But you helped me want to live

Every trip

My breath felt loose

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A new perspective

Every hit

You were the perfect bandage

Helped me quit

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I couldn’t breath

And I ran to you

I caught my breath

Then you lifted me to

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Higher places I

Couldn’t trust anyone else

To take , my soul

Told me that you were okay

Just listen for now

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This love could kill you

If you aren’t careful

Of the second show

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His karma will take

The love he has and

Rape it

Won’t let it grow

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Make him think

He was enabling &

Faking it

What a mindfuck

To let go

.

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A spell casted dagger

Of choice I chose a different fate

I let them beat me mercilessly

Rather

Them cut you from my plate

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I wonder what it felt like

To take that precious fate

To kill the one who

Put you there

In all your tainted ways

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The only one who excepted

The darkness you had in you

The one who held the leash

For your collar you liked to

Play the broken fool

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I wonder what it feels like

When I come across your mind

Does your breathing get

All angry cause you

Forgot this control isn’t mine

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Does it bug you

That I’m happy

With or without you

Does it bug you

I miss you but I

Can still tell you

To fuck off too?

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God if I saw you

What the fuck would

I even do?

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Stand there and faultier

Wondering if it’s really you

What if your voice was

As rehearsed as your

Last phone call

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Can only be the one

I know for a moment

Then snap back to your show

.

I couldn’t take a second blow

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Life is changing fast

I can’t wait for you to show

Life is changing fast

I’m scared

Where did you go?

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I need you to find

Your soulmate

The one who

Inspires you

.

Don’t worry

I’m forever your muse

Just tap in &

Enjoy the show

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Get away from

the one who

Rolls there eyes

Because your

Networking isn’t through

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You’ve done so much

And come so far

To say age is what stopped you

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I’d rather be dead

Then live in a world

Where you gave up

On yourself.

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Dear friend

Too harsh?

Or is a nail sinking

Into your head

Maybe I’m crazy

Like they have always said

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Maybe

Just maybe

I saw the authentic you

.

And just like you saw me

I didn’t want them to

Influence you to

Lose you.

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So my peace is death

And knowing this life

Is just another clue

A footprint of a life

We can call

But never knew

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I cannot wait to see you

In all your glory and

True light

I cannot wait to see you

When you realize

This isn’t a fight

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Forgive yourself

For breaking

A part of me that needed

To break

.

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Forgive yourself

For cutting inside

Your own fucked

headspace

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I am with you regardless

It’s something I’ve learned

To live with

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The grief is new

But I’m flirting with

It like the sick creature

You love and know

Can’t give up

Just because you

Gave me a bad show

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You make me stronger

In everything you do

Cut me down &

Watch me grow

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The perfect teacher

To love & to hate

I couldn’t deny you

This too is my fate