Hemi – Sync

I talk to you

A lot in

my head

Yet I know

I shouldn’t

Pick up my phone

.

If I get brave enough to

Look at your name

I shut myself down

I can’t have a moment

Like that again

You don’t need

me to crack

Your skull open

And show you

The truth of

What you’ve

been hiding in

.

.

Start your day

With a clean slate

“Helps make every day feel brand new”

.

.

Flip a token

To see what side

Of yourself

You’ll choose today

Don’t look in the mirror

It’s easier that way

.

.

I talk to you a lot

In my head

Something I

Don’t recommend

Admitting right now

.

.

It comes natural

Until you want to

Talk about something

I don’t

It comes natural

Till you pull the wrong

String ; I won’t

I can’t sing

Can’t write

My throat is raw

From yelling at myself

I don’t want to visit

This side of my head

.

.

If I asked you to

Close your eyes

And touch the

Part of your brain

That lights up

When I come to mind

I bet it would

Scare you everytime

Not just one location

I come to find

.

.

I hope you know

I don’t feel like

Picking up my phone

My chest feels constricted

Can’t breath the way I like to

Right now thinking of you

Just a subtle heartbeat

Can’t get through the thick fog

Around you ; the pollution

Is too loud

.

.

I see vices

False niceness

Comfort zone

Sacrifices

Happy ….

Happy life

.

.

Being human is weird

I’m sure being a man is worse

All this pressure on your shoulders

To be a provider , believe that a better

Version of yourself is built by

Sacrificing who you are to someone else

.

Dark night of the soul

Is the only way through

I promise your authentic self

Wont let you ignore this pull

If this was the end then your

Pearl Jam song would be playing loud

I don’t hear the bells ringing or

The End coming for you

But I can assure you it

Wont be me snapping my fingers

Bringing you back on cue

But I see you

Don’t worry friend

I couldn’t stop if I tried

.

You come to mine

Too many times

.

.

Comedically I picture

Your name entering

The left side of my brain

Deciphering where it should

store this lovely being

The security is weak on that side

The bouncer said your name is on the list

Every-time

I’m dancing on the right side

Spinning in circles , dancing

Pantomime

.

.

.

Drifting through Oklahoma

2/8/21

9:29 am

9:44 am

10:01 am

A Yearn Untamed

I struggle to

Stay connected

To a part of

Myself

The part of myself

I love the most

I’m a ghost

Your a ghost

.

.

Boo

.

I yearn to confide

Inside myself

Be alone &

Fix this

Ocean of

Loneliness

I swim in

I’m terrified of

Water but here I

Am flowing with

The rip tide

Scared I

Might die

It’s getting deeper

Flowing faster

If I fight the current

I’ll drown

I’ve already done

This before

I have to crash

With the waves

Here I go

If this were

Easy it would

Be no fun

No lesson to

Learn

Go back to

The comfort zone

Lay there &

Remember

This isn’t where

You want to be

A coward you

Chose the lion

Suit again

I am OZ

I told you

It’s in you

All along

.

.

Lonely

Lonely

I continuously

Defend

Go back

Go back

.

.

A yearn untamed

Makes me

Disassociate

I’m in love

With you

I’m in love

With this

Vision

I’m closing

My eyes &

Living in

I told you

To go

You stay

As above

So Below

.

.

11:14 AM

11/04/2020

Channeling with Strangers

Spoke with a psychic

Lastnight

She reached out to me

Told me spirit wouldn’t

Let her be

Told me you

Are all around me

If I could see this energy

What would the colours be?

.

.

.

Spoke with a psychic

Lastnight

She told me everything

Wasn’t alright

Hot and cold

This game gets old

Part of the story

I continue to be told

.

.

.

Meaningless

&

Unfulfilled

Comes from

Her lips

Low vibes

No light

Tell me who

It is you miss?

.

.

I understand

Life is busy

Can’t find a level stance

Unbalanced

Ungrounded

Need solitude

Need your rest

.

.

.

I spoke to a psychic

Lastnight

She promised

Everything would be

Alright

Asked if I knew

My crown was tilted

Not firing right

I told her I can’t

Feel my heartbeat

I miss it

I can’t feel

My guard is up

I’m inside myself again

Can’t comprehend

What my world is doing

I want to feel my heart beat

Against my chest again

I never want that feeling

To go away

I need to feel myself again

I’m so far away from her

I’m trying to come back

I’m trying to connect

Keep getting lost

With people who

Are just foes

I see right through this

Karmic mess

Here I am

Documenting

What I won’t confess

Here I go

Back to the wrong show

There are no musicians here

No art to compare

.

.

Here I am

Stardust in a suit

Staring at my hands

She said I have a

Long life to live

.

.

All I can do is exhale

All I can do is call out

Life guide

Life line

Help me purify

This divide

Help me find balance

Inside of me

Head in the clouds

Hands searching for

The right mudra

Heart space come back to me

Heart beat come face me

.

.

.

11:35 AM

10/16/2020

Wish Me Well

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Wish me well is the phrase I beg to hear from the right soul. I want all in my life to see and understand we are all not the same. Individuals as we are seem to mimic ourselves to one another. Since it worked for you doesn’t mean it will work for me. Or it is not what I want for my life at all. This is what plays through my head as I listen to the advice from the man who tells me to keep my head down and work hard. Then I can save up for all the material things in the world I want. I can live the “American Dream” he so Bodley states in my direction. I need him to see that my soul does not crave what his does. She needs nothing more than to connect to the world through learning and helping. No university can teach her what she needs to know. I put no one else’s choices or paths down. I just know that mine is different then the “preacher” in front of my face.

Telling my friends and my family I will not be attending certain things in their life is a rough concept for both of us. Writing about it I can hold in the reality of it and imagine just what it will be like when my first far away Christmas is. What emotions will rush over me and what will I turn to keep my spirit alive. The freedom from daily life,I thought,would be enough for awhile to satisfy my free spirit. Work away and get experience…cultural experience.
-learn a new language
-meet new people
-explore the most beautiful country
-meet people like me
….
Not offending where I am in the world but it is very challenging to talk about my plans to individuals here.

Mixed reviews in my opinion.

Some look at me like I am crazy to leave the normal stable “productive worker” :
( I see it as “working dead” )

What I love the most is meeting a grown traveler,so to speak. I run into them like divine intervention. The way they talk is so cultured. They are open minded souls who see me as they were and they push me to go for it. I could ramble words of encouragement from more strangers then I have from my family. What matters most to me is how I feel about all of this. How my spirit has been lifted into something I cannot explain yet I see perfectly. I know I am lost in the right direction. I can see it in the fellow travelers….

They have a look in their eye.

I want that look
In my eyes.

Curiosity

I told myself to write my findings through this process of what might be the biggest epiphany of my life. I told myself not to let the negatives and rainy days with no sunshine set me back from where I want to be. You only have this life so why sit and day dream at the same normal repetitious job? one thing comes to mind.Fear. I can’t let it be me. I don’t believe I was put on this earth to help someone pay off their dream 5 days a week while I put most of mine on the sidelines and fit them in when I can. I just don’t believe that. I do believe that I am tested daily and everything I have done, am doing or will do are stepping stones. I’m looking for more convenient ways to make money on my off days. Etsy and Ebay have been a big help in my travel fund so far. I had a panic attack the other day making my checklist to pack up and leave the country in basically 9 months. Selling everything and saving for visa’s, passport, plane tickets and goodness knows what else. I read travelers blogs and advice columns about working holidays and backpackers, while my mind runs wild with ideas of New Zealand, Costa Rica, & Australia.

As I get ready in my bathroom I wonder what ill have to resort to calling home for minimum of two weeks maximum of who knows. What comforts of my home will I be leaving and never coming back to. This house and life I have now is beautiful. I have two roommates I adore and couldn’t imagine my life without. We share a dog named Nullah who is just the joy in our hearts. I have a work life where I forget to clock in. I walk in the door and instantly start hugging everyone like I havn’t seen them in months. It’s easy to get through the day when I am surrounded by such love. Lately a voice in the back of my head has been telling me to distance myself from everyone I love and even the ones I live with. Prepare myself for what is to come is how I feel. Don’t get used to me being around. Skype me, facebook me, maybe even call me but I will be the empty seat at holidays for awhile. While life goes on for my loved ones my life is being explored and turned upside down to shake around that inspiration and imagination. My writing is influenced by what I see, what I feel and how I pull everything apart to connect things in the end.

It has become stagnant in my opinion. I cannot stay in a place where I live in an import town by the Mississippi River with the usual fast food chains, bars , corporate store. Even worse I want to decide what I want to do with my life and who I want to be not have a bubbled society and factory made towns cloud my dreams and curiosity with going to college at a certain age. Kids at a certain age,Marriage,Mortgage…blah blah blah! I am 23 years old and I have lived a very blessed life. ” Everyone has a story” ,THEY say. I have made mistakes , lived with regrets and learned some lessons along the way. I realize the more I know , the more I don’t know anything , and I want to know more. Everyone longs to hear 3 words and let them fuel them through wherever their path may take them. “I Love You.” I’ve been in love with the three words that were spoken to me years ago.

 

“I Want More.”

     I have gypsy blood a psychic told me and I couldn’t agree more. I’m a bird who wants to take flight!! I have a couple hoops to jump through before I am standing at my first airport but it is all worth it. I posted the selling of my personal belongings on my facebook. Everything seems more real each day I wake up a another day away from saying goodbye to my old life and hello to my epiphany. My world, My truth, My Life. A dear friend once wrote to me… ” I’m lost in the curiousness you live and breath…My dear I am lost in the curiousness I live and breath.

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I Want More

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I choose to live

Well I’ve decided to start my travel fund. Not just a work at the same job, save up money, go for a vacation then come back and plan a new sense of adventure to fantasize about to get me through the next couple months. My spirit needs something…so much more. I say it to myself as a realization everyday even though I continue to deny myself the truth. It seeps through; I Want More.

More Options.
More knowledge.

More Music
More Adventure.

More Work.

More.

More.
More.
Is this world my oyster?
Can I set out and live free?
Is the world kind enough to let me?

So long I have dark thoughts and fears that have almost submersed my soul into a submissive state. I admit to disassociating and daydreaming of what if’s and could’ve been. I feel I have daily realizations and this one I’ve been hit with lately is a doozie. Can I call you an Epiphany?
Could this sense of feeling !so right! Be the path I’ve been waiting for?

I ask myself so many questions but admit I don’t answer most of them. I want to live an recap later. Writing an documenting from these starting thoughts. Some thing’s might not need to be shared. I plan on crossing the line and knocking MYSELF down a peg or two. Opening my eyes and my mind to what this world and God has planned for me. I wake up feeling like I’m truly planning a purpose.

The greatest journey
of my life is
about to begin.

This is my  Anthem to get me through it. Can you feel it when the beat hits you. Close your eyes and listen…

This is the Beginning…Songbird…Rebirth…

When I let myself realize what I’m leaving behind I try to understand just how much time is against me on planning the next 6-9 months of my life. To start I have created this blog and a very simple yet humbling page (asiruniritechyly.com) (About- the truth was written on my wrist )Rambling what’s been going through my mind with all the sense of change I’m about to take in.

I’m auctioning my belongings on eBay and other sites and saving up for my travel fund. What I can keep I shall store in my backpack and the rest are memories I keep and memories to be made.

The starting process of this is compared to… Making a
Mountain.
Out of a Molehill.

I’m registering to sites to sell these belongings and working at my lovely server position. While hoarding a tax return meant for a car but who needs a car when you can just rent a car, rideshare, or remember the good lord gave you two working feet to put down on this ground everyday.

If I were to say I wasn’t nervous I would be lying. I’m terrified!!!! I have worldly fears and I’ve watched too much lifetime and CNN to clog my mind with a mugging scene as I walk out my front door. However the bigger fear of mine is to be sitting in a chair being a 90 year old women looking back on her life with a bunch of regrets. Not experiencing, never truly living and always giving into the belief that your life should be lived a certain way. College a certain age. Marriage by a certain age. Children by a certain age. This is my life. Only God can judge me and be there for me at all times. Only he knows what is in store for me and what is pulsing through my veins as I write these words to …. (Whoever chose to read this…thanks!)

Is this what I’ve been waiting for?
Is this my epiphany?
I keep looking down at my wrist
And rereading…
The truth is undeniable.

 

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