123456 — 654321

If I saw a loss

Is the loss pouring

out of you ?

Hands shaking

People who once loved

Are now just fighting and taking

.

.

Maybe it’s best to not know this you

You’ve worked so hard

But does it mean what you’ve

Worked for was the greener pasture

You were supposed to water all along ?

Any “lessons learned”coming along?

.

.

How long do you stand on the wrong lawn?

How long until you just let go

And realize you are just

Digging in the wrong direction

How many seeds lay waste ?

Over watered —

Never develop taste

You keep going deeper

Into all the wrong places

You keep going deeper

Like this is where you can hide

All your faces

Hide you can

But you know this isn’t right

All your trinkets being taken from you?

Finding out that marital bliss

Just means half of all MY shit ?

Bring nothing to the table

Then leaving with my passions ?

.

.

I believe divorce is a trauma

Most people feel embarrassed

Like a failure

Broken

Emotionally

Financially

Family

It’s all pieces on the floor

A part of this life we wish

We could let go

.

.

I see so many different things

Most importantly

I see no need for a ring

123456

Time and battery charge

Falling in line as I

Write down these visions

My mind is acting out for me

I’m sitting her at work &

The sight doesn’t leave me be

.

.

If this isn’t you then I

Hope you find your own cue

I can’t see anyone’s faces

Just recognize the energy

Feels recycled —-tainted —

.

Break it down

My iambic fuse

.

.

Sirens blaring

Find a muse

Kingdom taring

Sing the blues

Back away

I have nothing to lose

An afterthought

I’m so confused

.

.

.

Start writing

Burn the book

Stare too long

Or take a second look

I see you mad hatter

I dare you

Let this shatter

.

.

Find yourself

No one else matters

.

.

.

I pray for you

Whoever you are

I send you light

You are never that far

.

.

12:45 PM

4-5-21

Hemi – Sync

I talk to you

A lot in

my head

Yet I know

I shouldn’t

Pick up my phone

.

If I get brave enough to

Look at your name

I shut myself down

I can’t have a moment

Like that again

You don’t need

me to crack

Your skull open

And show you

The truth of

What you’ve

been hiding in

.

.

Start your day

With a clean slate

“Helps make every day feel brand new”

.

.

Flip a token

To see what side

Of yourself

You’ll choose today

Don’t look in the mirror

It’s easier that way

.

.

I talk to you a lot

In my head

Something I

Don’t recommend

Admitting right now

.

.

It comes natural

Until you want to

Talk about something

I don’t

It comes natural

Till you pull the wrong

String ; I won’t

I can’t sing

Can’t write

My throat is raw

From yelling at myself

I don’t want to visit

This side of my head

.

.

If I asked you to

Close your eyes

And touch the

Part of your brain

That lights up

When I come to mind

I bet it would

Scare you everytime

Not just one location

I come to find

.

.

I hope you know

I don’t feel like

Picking up my phone

My chest feels constricted

Can’t breath the way I like to

Right now thinking of you

Just a subtle heartbeat

Can’t get through the thick fog

Around you ; the pollution

Is too loud

.

.

I see vices

False niceness

Comfort zone

Sacrifices

Happy ….

Happy life

.

.

Being human is weird

I’m sure being a man is worse

All this pressure on your shoulders

To be a provider , believe that a better

Version of yourself is built by

Sacrificing who you are to someone else

.

Dark night of the soul

Is the only way through

I promise your authentic self

Wont let you ignore this pull

If this was the end then your

Pearl Jam song would be playing loud

I don’t hear the bells ringing or

The End coming for you

But I can assure you it

Wont be me snapping my fingers

Bringing you back on cue

But I see you

Don’t worry friend

I couldn’t stop if I tried

.

You come to mine

Too many times

.

.

Comedically I picture

Your name entering

The left side of my brain

Deciphering where it should

store this lovely being

The security is weak on that side

The bouncer said your name is on the list

Every-time

I’m dancing on the right side

Spinning in circles , dancing

Pantomime

.

.

.

Drifting through Oklahoma

2/8/21

9:29 am

9:44 am

10:01 am

Through the breath ——- comes the energy

Im looking for you

Plugging my ears

To hear where you are

.

.

Closing my eyes

To see you so far

Inhale

Listen close

Exhale

I feel like a ghost

I need to sit down

Find the energy again

.

.

.

Have you left

The enemy yet?

Haven’t craved yourself

Enough yet?

.

I need a place for my head

.

.

Don’t want you to

Take the best of me

Loneliness has

This tongue again

Slithering

Slithering

Constriction begins

I guess that’s what

Happens when

Your conflicted again

.

.

Finding myself

Gets harder

Everytime

I’m getting better

At hiding

Can’t be up in

The clouds the whole time

I’ve got a life to live

Can’t always confide

.

.

I’m searching for you

Cheyenne’s missing

Peek-A-Boo

Hidden away from

The blue

Words won’t

Come out

Too easy to

Misconstrue

.

.

Just better to

Put my head

Down , push

On through

Shit

What did I do?

.

.

.

Through the breath

Comes the energy

Again

.

.

Through the breath

Comes the energy

My friend.

12/8/20

8:41PM

A Yearn Untamed

I struggle to

Stay connected

To a part of

Myself

The part of myself

I love the most

I’m a ghost

Your a ghost

.

.

Boo

.

I yearn to confide

Inside myself

Be alone &

Fix this

Ocean of

Loneliness

I swim in

I’m terrified of

Water but here I

Am flowing with

The rip tide

Scared I

Might die

It’s getting deeper

Flowing faster

If I fight the current

I’ll drown

I’ve already done

This before

I have to crash

With the waves

Here I go

If this were

Easy it would

Be no fun

No lesson to

Learn

Go back to

The comfort zone

Lay there &

Remember

This isn’t where

You want to be

A coward you

Chose the lion

Suit again

I am OZ

I told you

It’s in you

All along

.

.

Lonely

Lonely

I continuously

Defend

Go back

Go back

.

.

A yearn untamed

Makes me

Disassociate

I’m in love

With you

I’m in love

With this

Vision

I’m closing

My eyes &

Living in

I told you

To go

You stay

As above

So Below

.

.

11:14 AM

11/04/2020

Killer Apathy

So, in a sense, the most dangerous thing in the world is apathy. We think of weapons, violence, warfare, disease as terrible dangers, and indeed they are, but we can take measures to avoid them. But once our apathy takes hold of us, we can no longer avoid it.”

-Gyalwang Karmapa-

Apathy is the worst weapon

It takes someone you care for

And makes you question

Everything about them

Was anything real?

Have I been delusional

All these years?

How could you be

So cold to me?

Did I make this

Friendship up?

Did I write to myself?

Call myself?

For years

Playing both sides ?

I try to let this go

But still the question

Why? sits there and

Rapes my mind

I don’t want it

I don’t want to remember

But I do

I remember details

I shouldn’t

I remember conversations

As you have forgotten

They still echo on

To me

Why can’t you remember

The last real talk

We were allowed to have ?

Your apathy has

Truly stunned me

How could you be

So monotone ?

How could you say

Enabling on the phone?

What does that even mean?

I wish it made sense to me

I look back and see what

Went wrong

I wasn’t there to defend myself

I wasn’t there

And I’ll never be there again

I asked God to take it all away

Years and years I’ve prayed

Protect us

Guide us

Tell us how to get back home

Your apathy has killed

The part of you I knew

Your apathy has taken

My memories and ridiculed

Turned them blue

If you’d please leave

My mind

Of all people

I can’t stand you

Being unkind

If this is the person

That you are ?

Then I have been

Blind and deaf

All along

8:45 AM

6-7-20

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