I started this website from a thought in a stream of insomniactic nights. I had walked away wounded from what I thought loved me and felt no purpose was put upon my head for a couple of weeks. I was wrong;I knew I was wounded; I knew I’d survive but I wanted to give myself time to wallow in the self pitty i condemned my home on my fur covered couch I chose to rest my head instead of a feather top king size padded for a Queen. I was no Queen. I felt I was the furthest thing away from that treatment so I conditioned myself for a life I didn’t know I was conditioning myself for.
When this website began I had the start of an Epiphany that I was in a place I didn’t belong, surrounded by people who didn’t fully understand me and in love with someone who wasn’t even there anymore. My ghost had become my best friend and I didn’t want anyone to know. Like Belle seeking an adrenaline rush to see the shadow of Edward in her nearsight I searched for a way to empower myself through heartbreak. I wanted to learn more grow more see more yada yada. I devised a plan to go allllll the way to New Zealand on a workaway program where I’ll work wherever will host me for room and bored. Sold some things saved some things in the end the funds went to moving me 4 hours west of the humble home I resided at the beginning of this story.
My love and understanding for a man that stopped me dead in my tracks pushed me further and held me closer than any man I’d ever met. I would’ve married this man.i never felt that way in my life. Still don’t think I ever will. My standards are the way he walks,talks,loves,hates,hurts and holds. You might be thinking I’m in love with my ex. But I am not. For he is not my ex. He was my wake up call. I knew there was something wonderful to take from all we created. Through my other posts I boast about my beliefs and fears of a white picket fence. I knew I wanted more than was givin to me but finding a way out felt like a dim light that was softening to nothing each day. I stayed strong to be the heart of so many and couldn’t burden others with the chaos inside my mind. I knew no one would understand and if they did they would never stay by my side long enough for my fear of consistency to subside before they moved onto their next parade. I have many supporters, friends and loved ones. I don’t lack being loved or giving love. I lack romantic love and the dream of being whole. Fitting perfectly into someone else and them into me. I crave it so bad yet I treat it like a disease I secretly have. My fear is I won’t stop running until I am stopped by the right hand. When I am told this is my safe haven and he has my pillow ready to rest my head.
I know this is far from over.
I lack not knowing my place and wanting to find a home so bad I’m scared of settling so I never fully choose anything. I lack the discipline in saying no to toxic people in my life and being the “fixer” in a situation where I should probable walk away. I know what God has instilled in me and find more strength in Me because of Him everyday. I’ve never felt so scared and relieved at the same time. I’ve never felt like I’ve wanted to stay and runaway all at the same time. Until the phone call that turned my life once again into a gypsys adventure of finding where she belongs.
I know no one.
I am no one.
Two very scary concepts yet I’m so overjoyed to be alone it’s a confession only this website will know. To say I’ve found my way I think would be a lie. To say I’ve found a stepping stone would be correct. Moments like these remind me all I have is time. All I have is time to improve myself. I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve left something behind. My heart.my hope. A dream perhaps.
I said goodbye to selective friends and let the rest find out through the grapevine but there is one I said goodbye to that I am so sad to leave yet so humbled he was my last kiss,hug and love in Qtown. He knows who he is,my heart beats so fast with the truth just thinking about him. He helped me grow,shoved me in the right direction and let me go. I love him,I trust him and I owe him so much that he doesn’t even know. He walked away from me today and as I lived the moment I swore it all went down in slow motion. He walked ten feet then looked back…smiling in a way I admit I melt…I was still watching him. He crossed the street and looked back… I was still watching. He opened the door …I was still watching. Never wanted to look away.never wanted to leave. He waved goodbye and blew me one last kiss…
I lost it.
I don’t know if he will ever know what he means to me.
I hope he finds himself like I hope I find myself. I hope I see him again.