I was thinking 🌗

Hey

I was thinking

Of leaving you

Can’t do it anymore

I had so much fun

With you lastnight

But I saw who you were

Can’t look past these

Blocks you choose

.

.

.

Hey

I was thinking

Of leaving you

Makes me sad

Thought we were close

.

.

.

I had so much

fun with you

But I can’t stand

What you choose

.

.

.

My friend

My friend

I knew it would end

My friend

My friend

Don’t need you

Won’t bend

My friend

My friend

Thank you for

This time

We’ve had

It’s only been

Two years

And I can’t count

All the ways

I’ve processed

Your tears

.

.

It’s so hard

To be friends

With me

I’ll give and I’ll give

Until I confess

That you just take

It’s not your intention

But no boundaries

shine a ray

.

.

My energy is low

When I am in

Your presence

My friend

I was there for you

I watched you

Process 20 years

Of grief through me

I let you do it

So effortlessly

I’ll ground your pain

It’s what I usually do

I see you now

You don’t need me

No clue

My friend

My friend

I am growing away

My friend

My friend

Won’t come back

One day

I’ve done this

Before

Scattered friends

Near and far

I am so empty when

You take from me

All of you

Never replace my energy

Dear lord

Dear lord

Will I ever find a friend

Who sends back

Their energy from within

.

.

.

I know I’ve felt it before

I was 19 and so very low

.

.

Hey

I was thinking

About leaving you

Didn’t like the conversation

You made me sit through

.

.

Hey

I think I’m gonna leave you

Let time run it’s course

Let God do his chores

Removing the people

Who don’t help me grow

.

.

So many • chords •

Stuck to me

Need to cut them

Before I can’t breath

Let you feel

Your disease

.

.

I wish I felt sorry

For feeling this way

But Hey I love you

In every single way

.

.

I let go

Acknowledge the truth

Send my pain to the

Ground below

Lift my head up

It’s the end of the show

Hey

I’m leaving you today.

1:33 PM

2:12 PM

8/9/20

Take Take Take

Never thought

That I would feel

like this

Such a mess when

I’m in your presence

.

.

PVRIS killed

Me with this

Wasn’t my heart

That sank

But lately I’ve excepted

This sight is my fate

Tried to shut it down

Almost a year ago

But God came back

Said no baby

Flow

.

.

I see spirits

I see energy

I see lines of karma

Enraging me

Got to ground it

Not mine

Not mine

Not mine

.

.

.

It scares me sometimes

To see what everybody hides

Can’t have a normal

Conversation

When I know your

Dying inside

Don’t tell me your fine

I can’t stand it

This time

I’ve been lied to

For years

Smiled kindly

While I fight back

your tears

What a life I chose

Jeremiah come close

Tell me who

Needs me the most

Is it me?

Is it you ?

I hope your guides

Come & push

you through

.

.

You’re so old

Yet you act

Like this is

Your first incarnation

You act so old

Mind rotting

Like a self inflicted

Infestation

.

.

Looks like I’ve been

Driving this car

The whole time

I swore it was you

.

.

I can’t get over

How be-you-tiful

You are

My mind plays

tricks on me

Makes you my mirage

I lost my mind right?

.

.

If I were dying in a desert

You’d be my last thought

If I were lying on a feather

Id tangle with this tether

Come on baby

Let’s go play with leather

.

.

I can’t get over how lonely

You were

.

(Are)

.

My head hangs low

Rubbing my temples

In disbelief

I never knew I was

As lonely as you

Thought it was just me

Living the definition

Of pathetic

Killing myself

Pretending it was

Somebody else

Who could be my medic

.

.

Faking my way

Never knowing

What was true

Looking back

Like I always do

Thinking of ways

I never helped you

Picking you apart

So I can make an

Excuse for why I

Don’t need you

Picking me apart

So I can find an excuse

For why you aren’t my muse

.

.

It’s all lies

I have a demented smile

When I lie to myself

I know this won’t last forever

But your the only one

That makes time stand still

The cars go by you

18 wheelers flying behind you

All I can see is you

In this parking lot

I know you forgot

.

.

What’s the use of

This conversation

When you shove it

To your safe space

what’s the use of

This confession

When you hang up

And keep it encased

.

.

What is meant to be

Will be

I need you to know

If I could stop

I think I would

.

Inhale

Exhale

.

Absolutely nothing

Against you

You just make it

Too much

I’m already isolated

Enough

I don’t need to sit

Here and daydream

Of your touch

It makes me shake a little

You get me pretty fucked up

Noises I die to make

Grabbing at skin

That needs drilled in

Take

9:02 AM

8/5/20

et suavis et fortis

What do you want to leave for the world?∴

What do you want to put your name on and die next to saying it is your creation?

                                    is it your unshaken faith               …            Is it the endless ladder you climb?                 …


 Is it the family you love and nurture?                     …                           Who will mourn you when you pass.

Is it what you’ll pass down to your children            …                            your generation? even the next?


If someone dug up the remains of your life…      what do you want them to find?

I look hard at myself and the opportunities i have in my hands in the upcoming months and i woke today with a thought.

Is this what i want to leave for the world? If i had to watch, after i pass , how i impacted the world. Am i doing enough?

                                                                                                                Did i help enough?

                                       or did i hurt enough?


My great aunts passing provoked some thoughts toward this. Her spirit was pleasant and brave. She raised her family,

her beautiful family grew and extended into more who extend the traits of her center. She loved her Lord and she loved her family.

These two things are what i remember the best of this women.

Always Smiling.

She impacted so many lives in positive ways it’s a sad day on the Earth to hear her passing.

Letting the pain escape the circumstances I can’t help but focus on what she left behind and be blown away at the simplicity and depth she provided our family.

Pleasant and Brave

Is this what i want to leave the world? My writings? My understandings?

If it helps one person.

If you can help someone through this.

if i can help myself.

simply.

yes.

♥Pleasant and Brave.♥


Vincit omnia amor- Love conquers all

Vincit omnia veritas-Τruth conquers all

Vita mutatur, non tollitur-Life is changed, not taken away∴

I Want More

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I choose to live

Well I’ve decided to start my travel fund. Not just a work at the same job, save up money, go for a vacation then come back and plan a new sense of adventure to fantasize about to get me through the next couple months. My spirit needs something…so much more. I say it to myself as a realization everyday even though I continue to deny myself the truth. It seeps through; I Want More.

More Options.
More knowledge.

More Music
More Adventure.

More Work.

More.

More.
More.
Is this world my oyster?
Can I set out and live free?
Is the world kind enough to let me?

So long I have dark thoughts and fears that have almost submersed my soul into a submissive state. I admit to disassociating and daydreaming of what if’s and could’ve been. I feel I have daily realizations and this one I’ve been hit with lately is a doozie. Can I call you an Epiphany?
Could this sense of feeling !so right! Be the path I’ve been waiting for?

I ask myself so many questions but admit I don’t answer most of them. I want to live an recap later. Writing an documenting from these starting thoughts. Some thing’s might not need to be shared. I plan on crossing the line and knocking MYSELF down a peg or two. Opening my eyes and my mind to what this world and God has planned for me. I wake up feeling like I’m truly planning a purpose.

The greatest journey
of my life is
about to begin.

This is my  Anthem to get me through it. Can you feel it when the beat hits you. Close your eyes and listen…

This is the Beginning…Songbird…Rebirth…

When I let myself realize what I’m leaving behind I try to understand just how much time is against me on planning the next 6-9 months of my life. To start I have created this blog and a very simple yet humbling page (asiruniritechyly.com) (About- the truth was written on my wrist )Rambling what’s been going through my mind with all the sense of change I’m about to take in.

I’m auctioning my belongings on eBay and other sites and saving up for my travel fund. What I can keep I shall store in my backpack and the rest are memories I keep and memories to be made.

The starting process of this is compared to… Making a
Mountain.
Out of a Molehill.

I’m registering to sites to sell these belongings and working at my lovely server position. While hoarding a tax return meant for a car but who needs a car when you can just rent a car, rideshare, or remember the good lord gave you two working feet to put down on this ground everyday.

If I were to say I wasn’t nervous I would be lying. I’m terrified!!!! I have worldly fears and I’ve watched too much lifetime and CNN to clog my mind with a mugging scene as I walk out my front door. However the bigger fear of mine is to be sitting in a chair being a 90 year old women looking back on her life with a bunch of regrets. Not experiencing, never truly living and always giving into the belief that your life should be lived a certain way. College a certain age. Marriage by a certain age. Children by a certain age. This is my life. Only God can judge me and be there for me at all times. Only he knows what is in store for me and what is pulsing through my veins as I write these words to …. (Whoever chose to read this…thanks!)

Is this what I’ve been waiting for?
Is this my epiphany?
I keep looking down at my wrist
And rereading…
The truth is undeniable.

 

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