Karmic Konfection

Another day

Another dollar

I guess that’s what

They used to say

I find myself in

More money than

When I hustled

All 7 days

Funny how life feels

When you let go

I never had control

Just anxiety


I’m not giving up

I’m just realizing

The anxiety route

Isn’t the way to go

I have nothing to prove

Only want to live

I have nothing to prove

I’m backing away from

This one way give

Curiosity has got

Me taking another


Taking my time

In this karmic confection

I believe I’m getting a

Do over

My mind isn’t overcome

With fear

I found a way to

Talk to her

Be a friend

More to her than

To anyone else

I say things like

You good chy?

Getting a little tired?

I check in with me

And just for a second

Fuck everyone else

I know I’m a giver

I’ll give until my

lungs run out

It’s easy to take

advantage of me

I’m banking on the

Light I see in you

Not to burn out

Is it my fault

I believe karma

Will see us through?

I don’t want to be a

Shitty person

I want to leave you

Better than I found you

Why couldn’t I have started

Out like that?

I guess I used to ask myself

“Why is this happening to me”

It sends out a boomerang of desperate


I Observed others happiness

Like it was an impossible asana



Now I have flipped

I am the light

I say

“Why is this happening for me?”

I never give my mind


Just continuous questions

I have a constant conversation

With myself ; day in / day out

I take responsibility for my


How happy I am

I did that

When I get low

I got my back

It’s really dark out here

I used to look for a light

It’s really dark out here

But I’m the fucking


I take responsibility

For my energy

I take responsibility

For the ones God sends to me

“Leave them better than what you

Found them “ but don’t lose yourself

Trying to save just one

So if it’s a hello

I hope you find the time to say

Hello back

No strings attached

If it’s a marriage your

Waiting to watch the

Eb and flow


A man made concept

Has no use in the spirit world

Such guilt those vows

Can bring

In the end it’s just a

Man made pain

Truly meant to bind

Materialistic things

For better or worse doesn’t

Mean my soul for your happiness

I can’t live without myself

For better or worse doesn’t mean

I have to pay for everything

I can’t help but be a little pissed at

These stupid rings

What has it done to us

Sometimes this just stings

Another day

Another dollar

One day there

Won’t be anything

But The Father

So I sit well with myself

I continue to confess

I am not less

I am not my job

I am not my things

I am not your soul

You have to stand on

Your own

This marriage did not

Combine us

The way you choose to see

This marriage did not bind us

This is my soul to keep.

I wave to you

Tangled in fruit

I wave to you

God give you a boost

Sit still for a moment

& Listen well

You think your fucked now?

Just wait till your next tell

I see things others cannot

But I promise you

I will not rot.




11:17 PM


Take Take Take

Never thought

That I would feel

like this

Such a mess when

I’m in your presence



PVRIS killed

Me with this

Wasn’t my heart

That sank

But lately I’ve excepted

This sight is my fate

Tried to shut it down

Almost a year ago

But God came back

Said no baby




I see spirits

I see energy

I see lines of karma

Enraging me

Got to ground it

Not mine

Not mine

Not mine




It scares me sometimes

To see what everybody hides

Can’t have a normal


When I know your

Dying inside

Don’t tell me your fine

I can’t stand it

This time

I’ve been lied to

For years

Smiled kindly

While I fight back

your tears

What a life I chose

Jeremiah come close

Tell me who

Needs me the most

Is it me?

Is it you ?

I hope your guides

Come & push

you through



You’re so old

Yet you act

Like this is

Your first incarnation

You act so old

Mind rotting

Like a self inflicted




Looks like I’ve been

Driving this car

The whole time

I swore it was you



I can’t get over

How be-you-tiful

You are

My mind plays

tricks on me

Makes you my mirage

I lost my mind right?



If I were dying in a desert

You’d be my last thought

If I were lying on a feather

Id tangle with this tether

Come on baby

Let’s go play with leather



I can’t get over how lonely

You were




My head hangs low

Rubbing my temples

In disbelief

I never knew I was

As lonely as you

Thought it was just me

Living the definition

Of pathetic

Killing myself

Pretending it was

Somebody else

Who could be my medic



Faking my way

Never knowing

What was true

Looking back

Like I always do

Thinking of ways

I never helped you

Picking you apart

So I can make an

Excuse for why I

Don’t need you

Picking me apart

So I can find an excuse

For why you aren’t my muse



It’s all lies

I have a demented smile

When I lie to myself

I know this won’t last forever

But your the only one

That makes time stand still

The cars go by you

18 wheelers flying behind you

All I can see is you

In this parking lot

I know you forgot



What’s the use of

This conversation

When you shove it

To your safe space

what’s the use of

This confession

When you hang up

And keep it encased



What is meant to be

Will be

I need you to know

If I could stop

I think I would





Absolutely nothing

Against you

You just make it

Too much

I’m already isolated


I don’t need to sit

Here and daydream

Of your touch

It makes me shake a little

You get me pretty fucked up

Noises I die to make

Grabbing at skin

That needs drilled in


9:02 AM


Kundalini Restrained Coiled

I can’t find it

in a book

So I guess

I’ll write one



I can’t seem

To write a song

So I guess

I’ll go find one

Been covering

for years

Skipping past

The tears

How has it

Come to this?



If I spelt Karma

With a “C”

Could you


It to me?

Show me

One more time

That my presence

Is the key







What do you picture

In your mind?

I want to write

It out for you

Might have to draw

A web with this tangled

String you’ve toiled

Kundalini restrained coiled




Can you believe it’s

Been so long ?

And I still

Want to lay on

This floor with you

Write me a song



Forgot how to

shut my eyes

I got lost in yours

You fool



Can you believe

What is going on

That I’ve already

Been through it too?



If I could write a song

I don’t think I could ever

Hum along

My throat is still

Wrapped in shame

Someone’s pain

Still stops me

From singing my range




I picture the stage

Fantasize I’m on

That page &

Carry someone’s

Guitar home too



I guess I have to

Write it

Isn’t it supposed to be

My truth?

I’m just exhausted

Can’t fight it

I was born loving you

Who is you

When you aren’t true

To the skin you chose

To walk within

Who is you

My heart sends me to

An endless ocean blue

I have no strings

To tangle

No lion left to wrangle

Maybe that’s the danger

In me that lurks in you

I have no strings

For you

Just a fate

I choose to acknowledge

I have no strings for you

Just dark clubs and

Tangled chains

I picture you

I picture you

I picture you

Endlessly this

Flows through me

Endlessly this heart

Will see

Everything that is

Meant to be

Don’t worry

Don’t worry

You are right

Where fate

Needs you to be

Remember me

I can’t forget you

Remember me

And you’ll push

On through






12:53 PM = 11



Be vulnerable with me

I won’t hate who you are




Breath with me

Give me who you are

I won’t make you feel bad

For the things you want

I won’t make you think

You are less

For what you

won’t flaunt




Tell me the truth

In writing

In words that have

Been stuck for years



Flow with me

In this endless dance

You always hold back

The tears



I can heal you

Like I’ve healed myself

I can show you

What you won’t confess

A longing

A nurture

A sweet loves




Come on






Bring your mind to me

Lay it inside of me

I’ll keep it forever

Like I already have

I’ll keep you forever

You know that I have



I am nothing to fear

No pedestal here

Take me down from there

I’m standing right here



It’s okay

I confess

I could never

love you less

It’s okay

I confess

You have never

Been a mess



Let’s confess

Let’s confess

I’ll be vulnerable too

Come show me a visual

Of the hell you’ve been through



Kiss my forehead

My hand

And my ass

Come play with me

I’ll take off my mask



only for you

The voice is so true

Only for you

I won’t shuffle

You through




Start writing

Keep fighting

No failure

You are going




This fence hurts

Pull up my skirts

And show me

Who you are



Be vulnerable with me

Tell me the truth

Please let me see

Everything you’ve

Been hiding from me




12:26 AM


Iambian Twist

My eyes are closed

I can feel my breath



It’s moving down


I’m so close to this

I confess

No one is around

To tell me I’m less

No one is around

So let me confess



Put my head down

I reach for my crown

I can feel my breath

Release what I have left

To be found



Your inside of me

Inside of my head

I can’t let you go

Or I’d surely be dead

I thought it was you

Who was pulling me


Eyes closed

I catch my breath

Your the only one

I have left



Eyes closed

Help me lose

This regret

I’ll never let

Myself go again


I love you

This is our breath


I want to


With this chest



Let me inside

I’ll stay awake

This time

Let me inside

I won’t let you die



Let me inside

I won’t ever lie

Let me inside

Your mine

Your mine






My eyes are closed

I’m breathing

I’m too much

Too much

Too much

For one



So vulnerable here


In this mirror

So vulnerable here


let me see clear



I’m reminded

I’m leaving

Elevated from



I’m flying

Come with me

Feel your heart beat

It’s me

come through



Come with me

I’m flying

I promise

I won’t lose you



Come with me

Your shying

From who you

Are too



Eyes closed

I hold my breath

Kundalini come up

My spine

Fill me with your caress

I confess

I confess

I confess




7:02 PM = 9


07/20/20 = 11


This is my fate

You used to make me want to live

Now I can’t wait to die

Just so I can see you again



That was what I got

From my meditation today



I knew there was something

Still inside I wasn’t facing

With my full attention



It’s grief

Continued agonizing grief

I keep trying to process

As a light hearted grief



But it’s not

It’s deep


Buried in me

Something I can’t explain

Means everything to me



I used to be a moth

Flying to my flame

Flapping anxiously

Around it

Never giving it a name


But running towards

It like my life depended

On if I made the trip & came


Now i fly here


& that

Light is now

a dim beam


Walking around

Cautiously wondering

Who is to blame


Its you coward

You listen to the wrong ones

Thought they had your best

Intentions so you kept

Going with the flow



If I were a ship I’d crash

Cause your lighthouse

Is broken

No light rotating

Guiding me to

Come home



I must admit

Most days I am great

I emit my own light

This is my fate



But I can’t shake

The grief that

Something isn’t right



With the light

I used to call

My safe place


Is the chest the same

Or has it become mundane

Disguised as a marriage

With true sin surrounding

No names


Why even look in the mirror

When you know it’s not good

Clouding our memories

And hiding in a hood



Can’t face yourself

So you tell me

To lose my grip

I was standing on a canyon

You were hanging below

Don’t slip



Driving along IL

With the ringing


I didn’t see this coming


Of all the premonitions

This one is of my stunning



I could’ve wrecked my car

When that voice came through

I couldn’t believe it wasn’t you

Who the fuck was I talking to?

“You sound nice” .ha. Accidentally

Slipped through. Smacking my head

You weren’t supposed to read into that

Shortened vision quest




My nightmares were true

All your friends said

That it wouldn’t be you

Brace yourself cause

Gordon is through

He’s just not the same

I think he’s stuck in his brain

Connecting pretending

That this is his game



I never wanted your ring

Your filthy fling

Or you to buy me

petty little things



I wanted to talk

Vent what we’ve always

been through


I needed a friend

For what I was going through



But no friend was there

Just a man in despair

Giving me lines

His chains had written for him

Giving me lines

He made himself believe in

The Placebo is real

But you’ve used it so wrong


That power of the mind

Was for the stage

Not to inflict pain

Now it sits in her envious cage




I wanted to provoke you

Into all of your

Ever loving truth

I wanted you to find someone

Who would top me

Care for you & the divine

Art that so easily poured

Out of you



But here we are

Playing far

Pretending I

Don’t still miss you



These miles stretch on

But I still see you

In every guitar



I could sway forever

Waiting for you to come

Back to the stage

Write the song

You’ve been meaning to

While I’ve been gone



You know it’s been years

And feels like dragging on



It’s easier for me

To admit then

Gnawing at my thumbs



I’m sure if you read

This it’s stun would

Do you good

Maybe even better

Then When THE END

Should’ve played for you



Where did he go?

This man with such truth?

The eyes I couldn’t stay on too long?

Where did he go?

Did the one I love turn blue?

Maybe his puppet strings

Are just waiting for his Cue



My senses are heightened

As I find life living in me

My meditations are


With images of you

I asked them to make

Me blind to thee



Take him away

From all of my memories



If I could cut this chord

God knows I would’ve

A decade ago

Never answered my phone

For that tone or voice



I would’ve deleted

Your voicemail

Like I deleted

Your wife’s bullshit



But I’ve found in my

Short time

I’m a pit bull

To abuse

I’ll stay on this chain

While you hang from a noose



Enjoy the booze

I know it helps you cut loose

Make yourself feel better

By claiming no truth



Blame me for problems

You did on your own

Feel guilt and despair

While I cry alone



I sit with this grief

Like it’s the last bit

Of you I have

I keep thinking one day

You won’t make me so sad



I really wouldn’t care if

You never did call

What would I do

If I picked up this ball

Now I’m lying

Trying to cover

My withdraws



I really just want you

To live up to your potential

That musician man so tall

Go back to the hotel

The hallways

Tell me truths



Go back to the bath tub

Dip your toes in

Let’s confess our faults



The light comes too soon

And I have to let go of

My favorite spoon

Crawl away with your eyes closed

It kills me to say I gotta go



I can’t stay where I am not fully wanted

I can’t stay where you hide in me also

Your my charge port

My greatest life lesson

A fast track of a karmic




I pray for you

Like you’ve passed on

Killed my friend

And wrote you a song

I have to write forever

Like all great artists do

Living a life

While missing their muse

I see now while all the


Go insane

They have a choice

Heartbreak or Mundane

In the end we end

Up on the same plane

If you’ve read this

far can you pull

Out your guitar

And write what is in

Your heart?



I’m dying inside

To see what you hide

In that glass house

Of yours



Are you an ATM?

Feeling validated

By being such a man

A provider for a women

Who claws at you

For things

Never caring for your mind



Give me your mind

You know I will treat it kind

Give it to me

So I can confide

Send me your love

And I’ll keep it safe above

Give me your mind

So I can close up this divine



I wonder what it’s like

Missing me

It’s a sick denial

I wish to encompass


A slow burning death

That can only end in trumpets



I’ve finally found the creature

You loved in me

Took her in and broke

The chains she used

To sit with comfortably

Gave her a bed

Told her to rest her head

Maybe he will find himself

And come back one day

She lays there and cries

While I hold her ever so tight

Telling her in retrospect

She was too bright

The world beat her

The men defeated her

The drugs depleted her

But you did the worst

Denying a lifeline

That can easily feel cursed

I didn’t choose this either

But you fucking pushed



If I could go back

I wouldn’t beat her

I would’ve loved her

Years ago before you

Could ever leave a mark

I would’ve held her better than

You so I wouldn’t crave you in the dark

If this is what sick is

Then I’ll write it out everyday

My favorite form of poison

Is a man I named dismay

I wish that I could scream

But what an alarm that would

Sound these days



I wish I could tell you everything

Because it’s hard you aren’t around

The last time I saw you I was rushed away

Cried the whole ride home

Cause I knew our fate



The cloud of karma had finally

Reached its ground

And here you are

Screaming but I’m deafened

By your new sound


I see you in every guitarist

Vocalist or crowd

I think I’d pass out if

I saw you

Or turn and run

For the opposite of your crowd



I never wanted you as my possession

Never a status symbol for myself

I wanted to stand in the dark

And listen to the love you got

From the crowd



I didn’t mean to speak to you the

Night you called my phone

I wanted so bad to block you

But I can’t hide from Casper

I’m always going to answer for you



I’m scared your experiencing

Where I’ve been


I’m always going to answer for you

Cause I couldn’t stand you wearing thin


I’m always here for you because you

Helped me find my truth

Little by little

You didn’t let me die within



You know what you were doing

Captivated by my noose

But you helped me want to live

Every trip

My breath felt loose



A new perspective

Every hit

You were the perfect bandage

Helped me quit



I couldn’t breath

And I ran to you

I caught my breath

Then you lifted me to



Higher places I

Couldn’t trust anyone else

To take , my soul

Told me that you were okay

Just listen for now



This love could kill you

If you aren’t careful

Of the second show



His karma will take

The love he has and

Rape it

Won’t let it grow



Make him think

He was enabling &

Faking it

What a mindfuck

To let go



A spell casted dagger

Of choice I chose a different fate

I let them beat me mercilessly


Them cut you from my plate



I wonder what it felt like

To take that precious fate

To kill the one who

Put you there

In all your tainted ways



The only one who excepted

The darkness you had in you

The one who held the leash

For your collar you liked to

Play the broken fool



I wonder what it feels like

When I come across your mind

Does your breathing get

All angry cause you

Forgot this control isn’t mine



Does it bug you

That I’m happy

With or without you

Does it bug you

I miss you but I

Can still tell you

To fuck off too?



God if I saw you

What the fuck would

I even do?



Stand there and faultier

Wondering if it’s really you

What if your voice was

As rehearsed as your

Last phone call



Can only be the one

I know for a moment

Then snap back to your show


I couldn’t take a second blow


Life is changing fast

I can’t wait for you to show

Life is changing fast

I’m scared

Where did you go?



I need you to find

Your soulmate

The one who

Inspires you


Don’t worry

I’m forever your muse

Just tap in &

Enjoy the show



Get away from

the one who

Rolls there eyes

Because your

Networking isn’t through



You’ve done so much

And come so far

To say age is what stopped you



I’d rather be dead

Then live in a world

Where you gave up

On yourself.






Dear friend

Too harsh?

Or is a nail sinking

Into your head

Maybe I’m crazy

Like they have always said




Just maybe

I saw the authentic you


And just like you saw me

I didn’t want them to

Influence you to

Lose you.



So my peace is death

And knowing this life

Is just another clue

A footprint of a life

We can call

But never knew



I cannot wait to see you

In all your glory and

True light

I cannot wait to see you

When you realize

This isn’t a fight



Forgive yourself

For breaking

A part of me that needed

To break



Forgive yourself

For cutting inside

Your own fucked




I am with you regardless

It’s something I’ve learned

To live with



The grief is new

But I’m flirting with

It like the sick creature

You love and know

Can’t give up

Just because you

Gave me a bad show



You make me stronger

In everything you do

Cut me down &

Watch me grow



The perfect teacher

To love & to hate

I couldn’t deny you

This too is my fate

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