My mother thinks I am going to be sold into the sex trade.
I sit and tell her my plan with high hopes and encouraging feedback.
I know she wants to support me in every way she can but her worst fears are coming out of her mouth and I
have to listen to her side of things.
I’m grinding my teeth as she tells me all the fears I fear. I’m getting anxiety and doubt through this whole conversation, this was not my intention when all of this began.
When all this began echoes in my head weeks after this conversation,after this stunted blog I’ve been procrastinating on. I guess I’ve been letting everything pile up to explode on this page. I’ve run into a new character along the way in the past couple weeks of me venturing out into the world for some new ideas. He rings especially true to the title of this. Real is Rare. I was destined to meet this person and write about him or at least observe him for my writings. He was so open to the world his eyes reflected like mirrors. His smile let off radiant energy every time he was around. I would say he was at a state of enlightenment I’d never been privileged to witness. Damn Italians have such a beautiful look about them anyways but give them a magnetic personality and Colgate white smile and you can’t help but dive in deeper for a story.
He is a painter. Never met a painter like this. Besides the massive amounts of paintings he showed me that blew my mind i was overly weary and impressed at how vulnerable he left himself open to everyone. he trusted like id never seen in someone. He trusted in faith and love. That was all. His higher power was love. How cute right? Among schooling for his art degree he studied everything he could from astrology,numerology,yoga,meditations….the list goes on for a while. I was intrigued by the amount of knowledge i could learn from him. Him in his nice ways would say i was his muse. I translated his paintings. I believed it to a point. Especially when i found a painting from 2012 that looked exactly like me. It was a very big goosebumps moment. We painted a spare piece of wood together and took a picture with me in front of it to do side by sides to creep ourselves out more. It hits a level of my soul to see this picture and to connect to it. It made me turn my record button on again and listen to his past stories and fill in the blanks for his transformation.
He believed and mantrad good things, what he wanted, everything. Throwing all of it out into the universe believing it will come back around when he’s ready for it/worked hard enough for it. He got accepted into grad school and was moving technically the day i got back from a trip to Omaha. We met on a corner of the street called cherry. instantly he was familiar and welcoming to all conversations. He used to be a lead singer of a death metal group for a couple of years and was really good at it but it left him an emotional asshole wreck. His friends would say “it’s okay you’re an italian…italians are assholes.” Something was breaking through to him. He summed it up into I just wanted to be good none of it made sense anymore. After a dosing incident his life turned around massively. He had no choice but to look at the world differently and that is was saved his life the most. This path he is on i can see it clearly if he avoids distractions along the way. He fixes me lunch, all live foods, fruits veggies etc. (you are what you eat) he says every time he cooks. We go on walks in the neighborhood and he waves to everyone like family. We stop and talk to an older woman who needs fence postings dug…he says he’ll be back at 5 to do it for her. I was further than cloud 9 with this positivity around me. What a helping hand on Gods green earth.
As open and friendly as he was it looked as if the world gave back to him. he needed a car so his friend he had met 2 months ago lent him his BMW. The women paid him for the fencing and that was his gas money along with stopping by a vegetable stand and grabbing a live lunch. His now best friend he’s known for 5 months is literally by his side all the time to make sure nothing happens to him. he finds them places to stay and they swap smoothie recipes with each other to keep up with the travelers energy they need. He had a guardian in human form. Along with everything else around him he couldn’t see.
I believe with being so open and vulnerable is to also attract pain and anti-idols. He had been hurt many of times and anti-idols were all he introduced me to accept a handful. Many great people helping each other out yet not even looking at their own. A concept i knew too well so i kept my guard up as to remain acquaintances with most i met in the times we spent together. He showed me a different way to look at the world. I find myself holding all my emotions deep down on the inside so i admire someone who wears it so boldly.
I go back to conversation with my mother and the example this man leaves with me. I realize i still look at the world naively. I still think if you don’t intend harm on others then nothing of harm will come to you. Then i think of all the innocents in the world. I know i am just another kind soul giving faith to the universe to protect her among the world’s evil. I can’t hide myself from what i want because of how cold the world is. It isn’t fair to me to let my fears and her fears take away the most beautiful and awakening time of my life.
I am scared.
i am scared to leave you.
I wish i had words to explain to all of you
and make you understand and feel what i feel.
I’ve never wanted to Run away so bad.
I’ve never wanted to realize myself so much.
My heart aches as I write these words.
I feel every word. I feel like i miss everything already.
Please know it is Not I nor You that was the ultimate consequence or decision in all of this.
We’ve all known I’ve had to go away.
That I was going somewhere….
You are my Heart and Soul. I am bound to all of you.
No matter how near.
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*** *** ***
Such a true
Thank you for taking
The time to take care
For me. I was not in a good
Way when we met that day.
You saw me.
Took me in.
Only for awhile
Did I let you
But I had to go
Ripped off like
I had to go
Hurt you a
Cause I started
I’m so sorry
I had to go.
What a light