Real is Rare

My mother thinks I am going to be sold into the sex trade.

I sit and tell her my plan with high hopes and encouraging feedback.

I know she wants to support me in every way she can but her worst fears are coming out of her mouth and I
have to listen to her side of things.

I’m grinding my teeth as she tells me all the fears I fear. I’m getting anxiety and doubt through this whole conversation, this was not my intention when all of this began.

When all this began echoes in my head weeks after this conversation,after this stunted blog I’ve been procrastinating on. I guess I’ve been letting everything pile up to explode on this page. I’ve run into a new character along the way in the past couple weeks of me venturing out into the world for some new ideas. He rings especially true to the title of this. Real is Rare. I was destined to meet this person and write about him or at least observe him for my writings. He was so open to the world his eyes reflected like mirrors. His smile let off radiant energy every time he was around. I would say he was at a state of enlightenment I’d never been privileged to witness. Damn Italians have such a beautiful look about them anyways but give them a magnetic personality and Colgate white smile and you can’t help but dive in deeper for a story.

He is a painter. Never met a painter like this. Besides the massive amounts of paintings he showed me that blew my mind i was overly weary and impressed at how vulnerable he left himself open to everyone. he trusted like id never seen in someone. He trusted in faith and love. That was all. His higher power was love. How cute right? Among schooling for his art degree he studied everything he could from astrology,numerology,yoga,meditations….the list goes on for a while. I was intrigued by the amount of knowledge i could learn from him. Him in his nice ways would say i was his muse. I translated his paintings. I believed it to a point. Especially when i found a painting from 2012 that looked exactly like me. It was a very big goosebumps moment. We painted a spare piece of wood together and took a picture with me in front of it to do side by sides to creep ourselves out more. It hits a level of my soul to see this picture and to connect to it. It made me turn my record button on again and listen to his past stories and fill in the blanks for his transformation.

He believed and mantrad good things, what he wanted, everything. Throwing all of it out into the universe believing it will come back around when he’s ready for it/worked hard enough for it. He got accepted into grad school and was moving technically the day i got back from a trip to Omaha. We met on a corner of the street called cherry. instantly he was familiar and welcoming to all conversations. He used to be a lead singer of a death metal group for a couple of years and was really good at it but it left him an emotional asshole wreck. His friends would say “it’s okay you’re an italian…italians are assholes.” Something was breaking through to him. He summed it up into I just wanted to be good none of it made sense anymore. After a dosing incident his life turned around massively. He had no choice but to look at the world differently and that is was saved his life the most. This path he is on i can see it clearly if he avoids distractions along the way. He fixes me lunch, all live foods, fruits veggies etc. (you are what you eat) he says every time he cooks. We go on walks in the neighborhood and he waves to everyone like family. We stop and talk to an older woman who needs fence postings dug…he says he’ll be back at 5 to do it for her. I was further than cloud 9 with this positivity around me. What a helping hand on Gods green earth.

As open and friendly as he was it looked as if the world gave back to him. he needed a car so his friend he had met 2 months ago lent him his BMW. The women paid him for the fencing and that was his gas money along with stopping by a vegetable stand and grabbing a live lunch. His now best friend he’s known for 5 months is literally by his side all the time to make sure nothing happens to him. he finds them places to stay and they swap smoothie recipes with each other to keep up with the travelers energy they need. He had a guardian in human form. Along with everything else around him he couldn’t see.

I believe with being so open and vulnerable is to also attract pain and anti-idols. He had been hurt many of times and anti-idols were all he introduced me to accept a handful. Many great people helping each other out yet not even looking at their own. A concept i knew too well so i kept my guard up as to remain acquaintances with most i met in the times we spent together. He showed me a different way to look at the world. I find myself holding all my emotions deep down on the inside so i admire someone who wears it so boldly.

I go back to conversation with my mother and the example this man leaves with me. I realize i still look at the world naively. I still think if you don’t intend harm on others then nothing of harm will come to you. Then i think of all the innocents in the world. I know i am just another kind soul giving faith to the universe to protect her among the world’s evil. I can’t hide myself from what i want because of how cold the world is. It isn’t fair to me to let my fears and her fears take away the most beautiful and awakening time of my life.

Mother,

I am scared.
i am scared to leave you.

My sister.

My brother,

My family.

My work

My friends.

My life.

I wish i had words to explain to all of you

and make you understand and feel what i feel.

I’ve never wanted to Run away so bad.

I’ve never wanted to realize myself so much.

My heart aches as I write these words.

I feel every word.            I feel like i miss everything already.

Please know it is Not I nor You that was the ultimate consequence or decision in all of this.

We’ve all known I’ve had to go away.

That I was going somewhere….

far.

You are my Heart and Soul.                                                                 I am bound to all of you.

No matter how near.

or                                                                            far.

check out AJ Moretti or AJ live on FB

For more ascending arts compilations

And many many more like the one

and unlike the one Pictured above.

*** *** ***

Such a true

Enlightened soul

Painting truths.

Thank you for taking

The time to take care

For me. I was not in a good

Way when we met that day.

You saw me.

Took me in.

Only for awhile

Did I let you

Win.

But I had to go

Ripped off like

A bandaid

I had to go

Hurt you a

Little

Cause I started

To glow

I’m so sorry

I had to go.

What a light

You are

Anjelo.

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Wish Me Well

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Wish me well is the phrase I beg to hear from the right soul. I want all in my life to see and understand we are all not the same. Individuals as we are seem to mimic ourselves to one another. Since it worked for you doesn’t mean it will work for me. Or it is not what I want for my life at all. This is what plays through my head as I listen to the advice from the man who tells me to keep my head down and work hard. Then I can save up for all the material things in the world I want. I can live the “American Dream” he so Bodley states in my direction. I need him to see that my soul does not crave what his does. She needs nothing more than to connect to the world through learning and helping. No university can teach her what she needs to know. I put no one else’s choices or paths down. I just know that mine is different then the “preacher” in front of my face.

Telling my friends and my family I will not be attending certain things in their life is a rough concept for both of us. Writing about it I can hold in the reality of it and imagine just what it will be like when my first far away Christmas is. What emotions will rush over me and what will I turn to keep my spirit alive. The freedom from daily life,I thought,would be enough for awhile to satisfy my free spirit. Work away and get experience…cultural experience.
-learn a new language
-meet new people
-explore the most beautiful country
-meet people like me
….
Not offending where I am in the world but it is very challenging to talk about my plans to individuals here.

Mixed reviews in my opinion.

Some look at me like I am crazy to leave the normal stable “productive worker” :
( I see it as “working dead” )

What I love the most is meeting a grown traveler,so to speak. I run into them like divine intervention. The way they talk is so cultured. They are open minded souls who see me as they were and they push me to go for it. I could ramble words of encouragement from more strangers then I have from my family. What matters most to me is how I feel about all of this. How my spirit has been lifted into something I cannot explain yet I see perfectly. I know I am lost in the right direction. I can see it in the fellow travelers….

They have a look in their eye.

I want that look
In my eyes.

Curiosity

I told myself to write my findings through this process of what might be the biggest epiphany of my life. I told myself not to let the negatives and rainy days with no sunshine set me back from where I want to be. You only have this life so why sit and day dream at the same normal repetitious job? one thing comes to mind.Fear. I can’t let it be me. I don’t believe I was put on this earth to help someone pay off their dream 5 days a week while I put most of mine on the sidelines and fit them in when I can. I just don’t believe that. I do believe that I am tested daily and everything I have done, am doing or will do are stepping stones. I’m looking for more convenient ways to make money on my off days. Etsy and Ebay have been a big help in my travel fund so far. I had a panic attack the other day making my checklist to pack up and leave the country in basically 9 months. Selling everything and saving for visa’s, passport, plane tickets and goodness knows what else. I read travelers blogs and advice columns about working holidays and backpackers, while my mind runs wild with ideas of New Zealand, Costa Rica, & Australia.

As I get ready in my bathroom I wonder what ill have to resort to calling home for minimum of two weeks maximum of who knows. What comforts of my home will I be leaving and never coming back to. This house and life I have now is beautiful. I have two roommates I adore and couldn’t imagine my life without. We share a dog named Nullah who is just the joy in our hearts. I have a work life where I forget to clock in. I walk in the door and instantly start hugging everyone like I havn’t seen them in months. It’s easy to get through the day when I am surrounded by such love. Lately a voice in the back of my head has been telling me to distance myself from everyone I love and even the ones I live with. Prepare myself for what is to come is how I feel. Don’t get used to me being around. Skype me, facebook me, maybe even call me but I will be the empty seat at holidays for awhile. While life goes on for my loved ones my life is being explored and turned upside down to shake around that inspiration and imagination. My writing is influenced by what I see, what I feel and how I pull everything apart to connect things in the end.

It has become stagnant in my opinion. I cannot stay in a place where I live in an import town by the Mississippi River with the usual fast food chains, bars , corporate store. Even worse I want to decide what I want to do with my life and who I want to be not have a bubbled society and factory made towns cloud my dreams and curiosity with going to college at a certain age. Kids at a certain age,Marriage,Mortgage…blah blah blah! I am 23 years old and I have lived a very blessed life. ” Everyone has a story” ,THEY say. I have made mistakes , lived with regrets and learned some lessons along the way. I realize the more I know , the more I don’t know anything , and I want to know more. Everyone longs to hear 3 words and let them fuel them through wherever their path may take them. “I Love You.” I’ve been in love with the three words that were spoken to me years ago.

 

“I Want More.”

     I have gypsy blood a psychic told me and I couldn’t agree more. I’m a bird who wants to take flight!! I have a couple hoops to jump through before I am standing at my first airport but it is all worth it. I posted the selling of my personal belongings on my facebook. Everything seems more real each day I wake up a another day away from saying goodbye to my old life and hello to my epiphany. My world, My truth, My Life. A dear friend once wrote to me… ” I’m lost in the curiousness you live and breath…My dear I am lost in the curiousness I live and breath.

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I Want More

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I choose to live

Well I’ve decided to start my travel fund. Not just a work at the same job, save up money, go for a vacation then come back and plan a new sense of adventure to fantasize about to get me through the next couple months. My spirit needs something…so much more. I say it to myself as a realization everyday even though I continue to deny myself the truth. It seeps through; I Want More.

More Options.
More knowledge.

More Music
More Adventure.

More Work.

More.

More.
More.
Is this world my oyster?
Can I set out and live free?
Is the world kind enough to let me?

So long I have dark thoughts and fears that have almost submersed my soul into a submissive state. I admit to disassociating and daydreaming of what if’s and could’ve been. I feel I have daily realizations and this one I’ve been hit with lately is a doozie. Can I call you an Epiphany?
Could this sense of feeling !so right! Be the path I’ve been waiting for?

I ask myself so many questions but admit I don’t answer most of them. I want to live an recap later. Writing an documenting from these starting thoughts. Some thing’s might not need to be shared. I plan on crossing the line and knocking MYSELF down a peg or two. Opening my eyes and my mind to what this world and God has planned for me. I wake up feeling like I’m truly planning a purpose.

The greatest journey
of my life is
about to begin.

This is my  Anthem to get me through it. Can you feel it when the beat hits you. Close your eyes and listen…

This is the Beginning…Songbird…Rebirth…

When I let myself realize what I’m leaving behind I try to understand just how much time is against me on planning the next 6-9 months of my life. To start I have created this blog and a very simple yet humbling page (asiruniritechyly.com) (About- the truth was written on my wrist )Rambling what’s been going through my mind with all the sense of change I’m about to take in.

I’m auctioning my belongings on eBay and other sites and saving up for my travel fund. What I can keep I shall store in my backpack and the rest are memories I keep and memories to be made.

The starting process of this is compared to… Making a
Mountain.
Out of a Molehill.

I’m registering to sites to sell these belongings and working at my lovely server position. While hoarding a tax return meant for a car but who needs a car when you can just rent a car, rideshare, or remember the good lord gave you two working feet to put down on this ground everyday.

If I were to say I wasn’t nervous I would be lying. I’m terrified!!!! I have worldly fears and I’ve watched too much lifetime and CNN to clog my mind with a mugging scene as I walk out my front door. However the bigger fear of mine is to be sitting in a chair being a 90 year old women looking back on her life with a bunch of regrets. Not experiencing, never truly living and always giving into the belief that your life should be lived a certain way. College a certain age. Marriage by a certain age. Children by a certain age. This is my life. Only God can judge me and be there for me at all times. Only he knows what is in store for me and what is pulsing through my veins as I write these words to …. (Whoever chose to read this…thanks!)

Is this what I’ve been waiting for?
Is this my epiphany?
I keep looking down at my wrist
And rereading…
The truth is undeniable.

 

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