With the Kindness of Today

Conversations with friends always get my mind stirring all around. 

To the future. 

To the past. 

It doesn’t matter. 

It’s every which way…

I know I’m still young and I have way too much to learn but a part of me broadcasted a loud speaker to these particular thoughts. 

A part of me at one time thought I’d never live long enough to look back on the bad things I did and the good things I did. Rather it be a run in with a stranger that went wrong or a conversation with a close friend I hold dear. I remember all of these things that simply happened in my past. They weren’t tragic life changing moments…

Just little sprinkles of everyday life spanned out through my years. They all collide in my memory taping themselves together. 

I would say if I wanted you to know anything it would be 

Take care of how you treat people and the actions you condemn to yourself. You have a whole life of memories to collect. Days will come when the timeline unfolds ; looking back on the past is a pleasant trip you can create with the kindness of today. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            I’ve been craving this moment.

Write…

Write it down she keeps repeating to me in her thick greek accent.

As she makes the hand motion with both her hands to keep writing never stop…

you understand me? she says.

A little. I replied.

I let it sit in more and i let her glance enter my soul as a full on read.

A first class ticket for her to guide and tell me what i am missing in these past few days I’ve been trying to examine. When i travel it gives me a chance to set the everyday responsibilities on a shelf and examine things i tend to put above the clouds, I look deep and pull out the things i’d rather deny myself during a daily cycle. I feel i am true to myself daily but i need to remind myself I am constantly growing. This weekend i found a way to progress and it wasn’t from the watchings of an anti idol it was the idol if i had to label him. My return prompted a much needed run in with the Greek voice which would later turn into my confirmation of what i greatly ponder on daily. Can i really write? to help? to learn? to watch myself grow?is it okay to just want to record so i don’t forget?

“You write to Remember. You constantly remember because you have a fear you will forget. So you keep writing…”

My mouth dropped at his deep understanding of me. Even understandings i knew nothing of. He answers the questions i sign in my subconscious. I’m constantly devouring the words he lets grace my presence. Sometimes he filters but some times i catch him in a state. I beg myself to remember. Never forget him. Never forget his words. He’s my michelangelo from afar. Metaphorically speaking. He sculpts away and all he gives are his kinds words and enchanted smile.

I have whispered the phrase “forgive him Lord for he knows not what he does to me.” through years of pain,stubbornness and misunderstandings. I have been lifted by my counter part and thrown down into a pit of insecurities i didn’t develope on my own but fixed. This guidance has never done such a thing to make me question his distant wisdom. I whisper “Bless Him Lord for he knows not what he does for me,” when i feel his hand on my shoulder. As fascinated as i am with him he ponders at me as if i am standing behind a glass display,reading between the lines of my description at the bottom, he smiles radiance when he gets deeper down into the death rooms. The place i keep locked up and dare not wander he can access with a glance.

I don’t mind…
my eyes wander up to see his…
I know you won’t do what the others do…
Judgement is not his demeanor…
Just understanding…
-//-

Please find Me when you find You…

I started this website from a thought in a stream of insomniactic nights. I had walked away wounded from what I thought loved me and felt no purpose was put upon my head for a couple of weeks. I was wrong;I knew I was wounded; I knew I’d survive but I wanted to give myself time to wallow in the self pitty i condemned my home on my fur covered couch I chose to rest my head instead of a feather top king size padded for a Queen. I was no Queen. I felt I was the furthest thing away from that treatment so I conditioned myself for a life I didn’t know I was conditioning myself for.

When this website began I had the start of an Epiphany that I was in a place I didn’t belong, surrounded by people who didn’t fully understand me and in love with someone who wasn’t even there anymore. My ghost had become my best friend and I didn’t want anyone to know. Like Belle seeking an adrenaline rush to see the shadow of Edward in her nearsight I searched for a way to empower myself through heartbreak. I wanted to learn more grow more see more yada yada. I devised a plan to go allllll the way to New Zealand on a workaway program where I’ll work wherever will host me for room and bored. Sold some things saved some things in the end the funds went to moving me 4 hours west of the humble home I resided at the beginning of this story.

My love and understanding for a man that stopped me dead in my tracks pushed me further and held me closer than any man I’d ever met. I would’ve married this man.i never felt that way in my life. Still don’t think I ever will. My standards are the way he walks,talks,loves,hates,hurts and holds. You might be thinking I’m in love with my ex. But I am not. For he is not my ex. He was my wake up call. I knew there was something wonderful to take from all we created. Through my other posts I boast about my beliefs and fears of a white picket fence. I knew I wanted more than was givin to me but finding a way out felt like a dim light that was softening to nothing each day. I stayed strong to be the heart of so many and couldn’t burden others with the chaos inside my mind. I knew no one would understand and if they did they would never stay by my side long enough for my fear of consistency to subside before they moved onto their next parade.  I have many supporters, friends and loved ones. I don’t lack being loved or giving love. I lack romantic love and the dream of being whole. Fitting perfectly into someone else and them into me. I crave it so bad yet I treat it like a disease I secretly have. My fear is I won’t stop running until I am stopped by the right hand. When I am told this is my safe haven and he has my pillow ready to rest my head.

I know this is far from over.

 I lack not knowing my place and wanting to find a home so bad I’m scared of settling so I never fully choose anything. I lack the discipline in saying no to toxic people in my life and being the “fixer” in a situation where I should probable walk away. I know what God has instilled in me and find more strength in Me because of Him everyday. I’ve never felt so scared and relieved at the same time. I’ve never felt like I’ve wanted to stay and runaway all at the same time. Until the phone call that turned my life once again into a gypsys adventure of finding where she belongs.

I know no one.

I am no one.

Two very scary concepts yet I’m so overjoyed to be alone it’s a confession only this website will know. To say I’ve found my way I think would be a lie. To say I’ve found a stepping stone would be correct. Moments like these remind me all I have is time. All I have is time to improve myself. I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve left something behind. My heart.my hope. A dream perhaps.

I said goodbye to selective friends and let the rest find out through the grapevine but there is one I said goodbye to that I am so sad to leave yet so humbled he was my last kiss,hug and love in Qtown. He knows who he is,my heart beats so fast with the truth just thinking about him. He helped me grow,shoved me in the right direction and let me go. I love him,I trust him and I owe him so much that he doesn’t even know. He walked away from me today and as I lived the moment I swore it all went down in slow motion. He walked ten feet then looked back…smiling in a way I admit I melt…I was still watching him. He crossed the street and looked back…  I was still watching. He opened the door …I was still watching. Never wanted to look away.never wanted to leave. He waved goodbye and blew me one last kiss…

…………….

I lost it. 

I don’t know if he will ever know what he means to me.

I hope he finds himself like I hope I find myself. I hope I see him again.

et suavis et fortis

What do you want to leave for the world?∴

What do you want to put your name on and die next to saying it is your creation?

                                    is it your unshaken faith               …            Is it the endless ladder you climb?                 …


 Is it the family you love and nurture?                     …                           Who will mourn you when you pass.

Is it what you’ll pass down to your children            …                            your generation? even the next?


If someone dug up the remains of your life…      what do you want them to find?

I look hard at myself and the opportunities i have in my hands in the upcoming months and i woke today with a thought.

Is this what i want to leave for the world? If i had to watch, after i pass , how i impacted the world. Am i doing enough?

                                                                                                                                                              DId i help enough?

                                       or did i hurt enough?


My great aunts passing provoked some thoughts toward this. Her spirit was pleasant and brave. She raised her family,

her beautiful family grew and extended into more who extend the traits of her center. She loved her Lord and she loved her family.

These two things are what i remember the best of this women.

Always Smiling.

She impacted so many lives in positive ways it’s a sad day on the Earth to hear her passing.

Letting the pain escape the circumstances I can’t help but focus on what she left behind and be blown away at the simplicity and depth she provided our family.

Pleasant and Brave

Is this what i want to leave the world? My writings? My understandings?

If it helps one person.

If you can help someone through this.

if i can help myself.

simply.

yes.

♥Pleasant and Brave.♥


Vincit omnia amor- Love conquers all

Vincit omnia veritas-Τruth conquers all

Vita mutatur, non tollitur-Life is changed, not taken away∴

Remember who you are

I remember,

When all of this came to me.
Hit me.
Awoken something in me.

My eyes look different.
My mind cycles different.

Clearer.
Better.
Open.
Free…

I could compare this experience with an addict entering sobriety.
But i am no addict entering sobriety.
I found my calling. I lit the fire in my soul again.
All by myself… and the help from a select few.

I kept the faith.
Believed in myself.
My Center.
My Core.

I’ll never forget the feeling…

Always a double sided sword in this world.
The price of this was a hefty one i believe.

I lost myself
Hid myself
Almost stayed away
Forever.

Something Happened…

Divine Intervention
Some would say
Some Believe

I just know it happened to me.
My Calling.
My Sense. Mine.

I Remember… When i lost myself…
I remember …. When i found myself…
I remember who was with me all along.

-Remember Who You Are-

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/memoir-madness/

Candles in the Dark

Picture anyone that sticks out in your mind when you think of a “helper” in this journey we call life. Not your mother or father or even siblings just someone who was there in the most perfect way and it took you some time to realize it. Narrow it down a bit more…

Think about a time in your life where you felt so lost that you didn’t want your immediate friends or family to know just how lost you were. There is always someone there to help us like a candle in that darkness. Who is your candle?

We meet so many people in our lifetime. Some are good some are bad and some are just unforgettable. Either way they are put in our lives for reasons we don’t understand but we deal with and live with. I have many names and faces that come into my mind when describing a candle but sadly this candles light had burnt out after I’d realized what he had done for me. There are many times in my short lived life where I have felt “lost.” It seems in being this ,off the beaten path, soul God places many candles along the way. Some in plain sight and others are disguised. Every kid leaving high school truly does not know what their in for unless their parents have given them a full proof step by step tested Aced and passed life exam…(this doesn’t exist where I come from) Parents do the best they can with the circumstances and surroundings their dealt with. So leaving a cycle of school-summer-school-summer from pre-K till graduation on the Senior (12) year on paper looks progressive but in reality and mentally it messes with you to put it nicely. Everyone asks you what you want to do where you want to be. Some say you don’t need to know you will figure it out. The usual things you would say to someone getting ready to start a new chapter in their lives.. I kept trying to take in the change as easily as I could but I was like a duck in a pond paddling like hell underneath while calm on top. My best friend felt the same way and wanted to ravel in the life that we had known since pre-k. Growing up in a town with yields signs and corn fields only means boys with Chevy trucks, cattails, duel exhaust and brush guards. My best friend Linny found a guy who had the truck the farm the four-wheeler and the best friend for me to tag along too. This all happened two weeks before graduation and lasted almost 6 weeks past. Dan was the boys name. He had a copy of his parents credit card and footed the bill for everything. We wanted to go shopping ,eat, drive around all day in his jacked up truck blaring music as the subs from under our seat took us away to wherever we wanted to go. It was a carefree time in all four of our lives. We didn’t have no place to be and no jobs to go to at the time. Living off your parents, graduation money and your best friends boyfriend pampering you seemed like a cushy way to get over the “what’s after high school bit? ” Being the kids we were we put no thought into anything. We shot guns while floating four wheelers over a pond on Dan’s property. We spent our nights telling our parents we’re at each others house while we lived out at Dan’s parents farm equip with a small kind-of hunting lodge with all the main necessities, cooking New York strips, rib-eyes and filets on a grill. Fishing on a pond and road-tripping wherever we wanted to as fast as we wanted to. We were kids. We were invincible. As the four of us entertained each other for a couple months past graduation eventually real life kept on living and showing its double sworded-side. We had fun times but we were all just kids and kids do what they do…discover new girls and move on or vise versa. Eventually Dan and his friend became stories for us to talk and laugh about the older we got. “Remember that one time!” Is how it usually started. He drove us to everything involved in graduation. Including purchasing roses from Linny and I when we showed up. He knew how to whew a women if his money wasn’t enough. He had a funny personality and something that took me years to figure out the most about him was that he was genuinely a very good soul. The way of the world tends to throw us into roles we don’t always fit and it can cover up the true being of our nature and way. Then again he was 20 with the whole “I’m Country” thing going on so looking for a golden Aura really isn’t my bit at age 18 either. I write about this candle today because I woke up two days ago to this man being on the front page of every newspaper and station in town. Not for a key to the city award either. His house caught fire with his Fiancé and 4-month old child inside. She was the only survivor. Dan and his baby were found in the kitchen and declared dead within 30 minutes of emergency personnel finding them. As I write it I want to let the details wash over the reader and myself as a moment of silence is needed every time this story is stated. Those aren’t details to take in so easy especially with the mental image. Its an eyesore of captivation. I call my old friends associated with Dan back in those days. Everyone in shock especially knowing none of us kept in touch after our times together. We waved and said hello how are you in public but nothing more. I saw him and  his baby with his fiancé at my job one time and wondered the type of man he’d become from the last encounter I had. He had the best cleanest jeans from the buckle. With the best shirt either button-up or Affliction. He had an attitude of if its broke or stained throw it away and swipe a card. The last time I saw this man he had holes in his jeans and stains like he’d farmed or worked on an oil rig with a scruffy beard and a cut off t-shirt. Not the Dan I remember except this. He dated several of my friends through high school and bought a couple of them promise rings. ( yes , I said a couple of them) Always backing out and returning what he didn’t understand that ring actually meant. He took responsibility for his baby Hunter and quit thinking his parents were always going to support him and his outlandish spending. He was going in the process of opening his own business as well as raising his 4-month of baby with his fiancé. Dan had dreams and plans and responsibilities, not the guy I remembered, how could it be I knew Dan the boy not Dan the man. Through the days after his passing as I wait for his visitation to near it takes me back to every time he had ever entered my life. The times he took us to his parents house, the farm, shopping, the conversation. Just everything he did for me in that time of my life. I believe Dan was lost at the time we met. He had a good heart even in the time of his most in mature moments. I can’t believe I have to go his funeral to say thank you. I cant believe it took me till he passed for me to realize what a candle he was. What a disguise he was in such a time in my life. As I read the newspaper headlines they dig more into his life and the man he was. They interviewed his boss and several friends. Its all just heart breaking. The police broke through a window and a wall to get this mother out through the basement as Dan and the baby tried to go upstairs and out. It did not happen the way he saw it in his head. I hope he didn’t suffer. He was trying to rescue his son what better pass into Heaven do you need if its a mandatory trip?

 

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I Want More

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I choose to live

Well I’ve decided to start my travel fund. Not just a work at the same job, save up money, go for a vacation then come back and plan a new sense of adventure to fantasize about to get me through the next couple months. My spirit needs something…so much more. I say it to myself as a realization everyday even though I continue to deny myself the truth. It seeps through; I Want More.

More Options.
More knowledge.

More Music
More Adventure.

More Work.

More.

More.
More.
Is this world my oyster?
Can I set out and live free?
Is the world kind enough to let me?

So long I have dark thoughts and fears that have almost submersed my soul into a submissive state. I admit to disassociating and daydreaming of what if’s and could’ve been. I feel I have daily realizations and this one I’ve been hit with lately is a doozie. Can I call you an Epiphany?
Could this sense of feeling !so right! Be the path I’ve been waiting for?

I ask myself so many questions but admit I don’t answer most of them. I want to live an recap later. Writing an documenting from these starting thoughts. Some thing’s might not need to be shared. I plan on crossing the line and knocking MYSELF down a peg or two. Opening my eyes and my mind to what this world and God has planned for me. I wake up feeling like I’m truly planning a purpose.

The greatest journey
of my life is
about to begin.

This is my  Anthem to get me through it. Can you feel it when the beat hits you. Close your eyes and listen…

This is the Beginning…Songbird…Rebirth…

When I let myself realize what I’m leaving behind I try to understand just how much time is against me on planning the next 6-9 months of my life. To start I have created this blog and a very simple yet humbling page (asiruniritechyly.com) (About- the truth was written on my wrist )Rambling what’s been going through my mind with all the sense of change I’m about to take in.

I’m auctioning my belongings on eBay and other sites and saving up for my travel fund. What I can keep I shall store in my backpack and the rest are memories I keep and memories to be made.

The starting process of this is compared to… Making a
Mountain.
Out of a Molehill.

I’m registering to sites to sell these belongings and working at my lovely server position. While hoarding a tax return meant for a car but who needs a car when you can just rent a car, rideshare, or remember the good lord gave you two working feet to put down on this ground everyday.

If I were to say I wasn’t nervous I would be lying. I’m terrified!!!! I have worldly fears and I’ve watched too much lifetime and CNN to clog my mind with a mugging scene as I walk out my front door. However the bigger fear of mine is to be sitting in a chair being a 90 year old women looking back on her life with a bunch of regrets. Not experiencing, never truly living and always giving into the belief that your life should be lived a certain way. College a certain age. Marriage by a certain age. Children by a certain age. This is my life. Only God can judge me and be there for me at all times. Only he knows what is in store for me and what is pulsing through my veins as I write these words to …. (Whoever chose to read this…thanks!)

Is this what I’ve been waiting for?
Is this my epiphany?
I keep looking down at my wrist
And rereading…
The truth is undeniable.

 

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