I am you friend

Moments of clarity

Are not peaceful

They are painful

Realizations of

What you’ve done

To yourself and

Everyone you

Love

.

.

Sometimes

The epiphany

Comes when

It’s too late

To make amends

If that’s the case

.

.

Wish them well

.

.

Thank them

For reaching out

.

.

If misunderstandings

& bold face lies only

Come from

their perspective

.

.

.

Wish them well

.

.

Maybe someday

You’ll get your

Side of the

Story to tell

.

.

Until then

Walk kind

As much as

You can

.

.

It is so hard

To be nice

In a world

Where community

Is the last on

Everyone’s mind

.

.

You go out with

Good intention

And a nasty

Energy greets

You everywhere

You go

.

.

Be kind to yourself

And to everyone

You know

.

.

It’s still my

Struggle

Not to act

Like God

& judge

Everyone

.

.

This world

Makes it

So easy

To hate

each other

.

.

Can we remember

We re all connected

All one

.

.

Can you believe

That age

Career

Money

Or race

Is the catalyst

To it all

.

.

The evolution

We have stunted

Yet feel like

We have surpassed

Them all

.

.

Ancient civilizations

Knew more than we

And here we sit acting

High class digging

Up their remains

.

.

This will all end

The money

My friend

.

.

Find your loved ones

Let them know

You were blind

The seed couldn’t sew

With such hate

Living between

Love that should grow

.

.

This is not

Our time

My friends

We are living

In The End

.

.

.

If an epiphany

Should happen

To find you

Just know that

God is trying to

Talk to you

.

.

Open you up

Far past your

Bestowed parental

Frame

He is coming

To tell you

Your apart of

The change

.

.

Do you feel alone?

Werewolf and stoned?

Can you remember this

Body is just loaned?

.

.

Find yourself

&

Look in the mirror

Don’t pity

Yourself

For seeing the truth

.

.

We re all ugly

Until we face the truth

But we face our demons

To show everyone the truth

This is me

I am just like you.

8:18 PM June 15

Advertisements

Maybe I should Testify

I have known many of you most of my life if not all of it & I love every single one of you for every interaction we’ve had even if I had to label it good or bad all of us are a blessing to each other even if we’re not meant to stay very long or we are just a lesson God wanted us to hear. Today though I’d like to point out the flaws that we blind ourselves to.

I’d like to kindly show all of you what judgement easily made can viciously do. Judgement can come to you in the form of a little snowflake, so small that we can placebo effect ourselves into treating it as a “white lie” we can convince ourselves it’s okay that I am judging this stranger , this janitor , this mother , this server, this child.

But let’s dig the knife a little deeper let’s talk about judging your family. Every dinner, every step, every holiday. Can you admit that you do that? Do you compare 401K’s and talk about all the stuff you bought ? We all do. That’s always been topics of conversations no matter what family I reside with. We talk about materialistic worldly things because at least we’re trained daily to know how to talk about that. Do you look at your family members and think you know best for them because your a CEO of something? Do you believe that God made your path and my path the exact same?

How boring.

Why would he do that?

The times have to continuously change so why should we all feel we should all stay the same?

Be the same?

I don’t believe God will ask me why I wasn’t exactly like my uncles advise me to be. I don’t believe God will ask me why I didn’t own a Texas Roadhouse or Bubba’s 33 when I was clearly on the path of It if I wanted it to be. I had the 401K. The benefits. The salary job. The company that paid for my food, clothes, travel, training ,housing , you name it they offered it!

I was responsible for what felt like everyone and everything and at the end of the day it wasn’t my dream I was waking up for everyday. Even worse I knew it everyday. I was waking up for my husband so he wouldn’t realize how epically lost I was. I woke up for my mother because she kept reminding me what I great opportunity I had before me given my resume and college drop out back ground. I was making more money than I knew a college drop out could. I counted so much money that wasn’t mine it stunned me someone gave me control of their funds when they have no idea who I am except for a background check and an interview that I could pass like a personality test online.

In the eyes of all the worldly American Dream advice I had been given my whole life I had made it to where they all told me to go. I had made it to where the ones who said they loved me were blind by the 401K and my job security. I tried to fake it I did really good at it actually I was let go as a server in one state and brought as a manager in another. My manager interview was 3 hours. I knew the company like the back of my hand.

But I didn’t know myself.

I knew enough to feed and water myself and when life got too much I would go back to yoga like end of the line sinners go back to prayer. I was not consistent with myself and no one had ever taught me that it was the most important thing. To honor yourself and take care of yourself. I just thought if I ate French fries I would be okay.

I was promoted through 3 different levels in my first year in Kansas City , I bought my dream car brand new off the lot just to have something more to wake up for. I knew I wasn’t waking up for myself. It was the first time I was truly alone in the world with no familiar friends to lean on and family was a phone call away but honestly what could I say? I’m happy but I’m not? I’m good at this lie but this isn’t me. I started feeling like a defect. I was doing the career but I felt so empty inside it was crashing and burning any chance it could.

Picture a dam with random holes springing out and you have to play twister with your fingers and toes plugging holes on the wall so it doesn’t explode.

My attitude was horrible, i was mean, resentful, sometimes hateful. I literally could not adjust myself from a bad mood or a bad day. I would feel so zen at home in my tree pose then as soon as I walked in the door I felt like I just got put into a cage.

I took up chain smoking cigarettes again outside just to see the sunlight on my face. It gave my boss a reason to pick on me more but I used the nicotine as a way to run out of the door. I could’ve sat there but at that time I was doing breath work to calm myself with nicotine didn’t know I really didn’t want the cig it was just a coping mechanism. I would wake up run the show shower and dream for a couple hours of who I really wanted to be then the alarm would go off and as my eyes opened reality set in. I had to go back to the circus , my show.

I cycled through levels of promotions, states and multiple stores through the company. I met the owner who is still my idol and all the top tier people in the company. I had Anti-idols that disguised themselves as idols. I was blind. By the end of December 2018 I was spent. I had been driving this train the wrong direction for almost 6 years and God finally had enough.

I had turned into someone I didn’t recognize, I had gained weight in places I didn’t know I could have fat , my hair was falling out and my skin literally looked like my soul was being sucked dry.

I would come home and see my families all the people that mean the world to me and I would basically try to convince them that I’m okay. I used to say “ I’m going home so I’m going to get my nails and hair done so my mom will think I’m okay” I said it jokingly and sarcastically in the happiest voice and I would always get a good laugh from my servers on it and deep down poor little Cheyenne was just crying because it was the absolute truth. I was dying inside. My flame was burning out slowly. Only one family member told me the truth at that time. My She-She , she would rub my back and twist her fingers through my hair standing by the kitchen window and I could see her look right through me. She was worried but the words took time to move past her lips. She would remind me cautiously and yearly it is okay to leave. You are not a failure if this isn’t the life you want. God doesn’t want you to be so sad and so sick, honey your hair is so dull and thin. Your face is so swollen yet sunken in.

You’d think I was on drugs with how sick , overworked and under appreciated I was. I was truly someone I didn’t know how to love.

I was judging , I was jaded and I was in a pit of negativity I had truly put myself in. I can’t be the person anymore that looks back and goes because of what you did to me “I am this way” “I act this way “ because that’s just not true. That’s a deflecting technique I used for so long to justify the pain I hid inside.

If you are that person to it is okay!

But it isn’t okay if you realize it and do nothing about it. What happened to us is not our fault but our healing is. What our parents taught us is not all there is to learn or believe. Parents can be wrong even when you want them to be right. We are the evolution of our parents not our parents.

Our mothers and fathers are super hero’s while we are growing up. We get to play and get messy and they tell us eat play pray sleep! And so many other things but as we grow older and come into our own did anybody else get to a point where they looked at their parents and just went

“oh you don’t know what your doing either, and we can’t be the same.”

I did.

But it didn’t hit me till I moved away. It didn’t hit me till I had finally disappeared from everyone’s day to day life. I became that relative that you dropped everything for when I came in town. For some I thought I was a humble surprise. I later found out that even in distance my self centered ways were still effecting my family in a negative way.

The worst part for me is I might’ve known it but the voice was small. No one ever admitted the resentment they had towards me.

They hid behind the quote

“we are family”

if we are family then tell me the truth. What is family if you hide every part of yourself from me?

What is family when you get together every year and share your facades?

When do I get to introduce me?

What I really love to do?

What I really like to talk about?

When can we be a real family that has no PC restrictions or bible verses to silence what hurt is stuck inside of me?

I want the family that tells me the truth about themselves.

I deserve to know the truth.

I don’t want what you believe the truth is.

Give me the first unedited sentence out of your mind and let me decide how it will effect me.

If you come to me with your perspective I will listen with no judgment in my eyes even if it has to do with who you think I used to be.

Tell me how you thought the devil was in me. Tell me how you all came to ME like I was so Godless my whole life.

Give me the family that talks about death, that brings up different religions so we can test each others framework. I’m not asking you to change your beliefs I’m asking you to be yourself and if you don’t know who YOU is then I challenge YOU to Find yourself.

When our time is up and we finally get to stand before God he isn’t going to ask you why you didn’t create world peace , he isn’t going to ask why you didn’t cure AIDS I believe he’s going to ask why you couldn’t be yourself.

So What holds you back from being you? Is it everyone’s judgement? Is it your family? The way society will view your truth? If so I leave with this quote I stole from social media.

“ better worry about your own sins cause God ain’t gonna ask you bout mine “

June 15th 1:20 PM

Boomerang

I took what

Was true

And gave it

To the Universe

It hung below

Too long

It hit you

At the best

And worst time

Of your life

Cracked your skull

Exposed your

Aching hole

.

.

Boomerang

Came back to me

And I lost all control

My hands began to glow

My voice sense of smell

Came full blown

I wouldn’t discredit

God

So I won’t be

discrediting

You

What a boomerang

To bring me

Through

.

.

Do you know

You glow?

I believe all

The words

Are true

Every syllable

Is coming true

.

.

I heard your

Thoughts

You thought

You were

Alone

You found

Nowhere

To belong

My heart

Is your home

Take it with

You wherever

You go

I am with you

You can’t ever

Be alone

Sit in a house

That isn’t

Your own

Sit in a house

Moan & groan

It’s not as easy

As it used to be

But now I do

Feel you

Effortlessly

Hey

Boomerang

It’s okay

To push me away

Don’t you remember

How this works

One day I come

One day you go

Knowing now

You can’t cause

A

Low

.

.

Vibrations

Coming to me

Synchronicities

Begging to be free

See me

I see you

Down below

You cannot go

.

.

It hurts my back

When I deny you

Hurts my heart

To defy true

.

.

I climb with

Free will

Catch the wind

On a new fill

Found a

New skill

.

.

Borrowed time

So I guess

This is mine

Guided by

Divine

Love hanging

On the dialed

Line

What a feast

Of fate-d

apples

We dine.

Look for the footprints dear friend

Yeah

I’ll admit

I check in

On you

Not in the way

You want me to

I ask God &

I pray for you

I won’t root around

Your fake social

Media news

I know there’s

More to you

Than just what I

Could peruse

I’m tempted to check

Your tone

Then I remember

It’s proble still

Monotone

God take this

Away

I’m such a giver

I’ll give it all away

I have to

Listen to my

Truth

Let it guide

Me to the day

Where life isn’t

A noose

A field I’ve been

Looking for

To hang loose

Yes you aren’t

Crazy I do

Think of you

Too

I don’t feel guilt

Over someone

Who is the truth

But for now

I have to go

You have to know

How it truly

Feels to be alone

Break your own

Heart to understand

How I felt all

these years

You can pray for me

I’ve always prayed for you

Think kind thoughts

Of you

Maybe things I’m

Not supposed to think

Of you

But I have balance

In a life with no show

Listen closely

Punk

It’s time

For you

To grow

Music is

Your soul

Without it

You will never

Be WHOLE

Buy yourself

Until your full

But you obviously

Know

Your

Down in a hole

I’ll see you on

The other side

If I see you

I will

not

run and hide

Come to my mind

And I’ll send you a

Hug just please

Remember

It is God

Up above.

Find him

Confide in him

Tell him the truth

No one loves

You more than

Your Creator

Even if at

Times you

Want to say

See ya later

God is patient

& watching you

Clapping his

Hands when

You’ve come

Out on the other

Side

Not blue

You feel alone?

You must not be

Seeing right

Is there one

Set of footprints?

He is carrying you.

Listen to him.

He will

Lead you

Home.

Insomnia-tic Sleep

Insomnia

Seems

To be an

Ongoing

Love affair

.

Just when I

Think I’ve

Found my cure

It comes back

When I least

care

.

Apathy is my

Wage fair

.

.

What do I do

To myself

Day to day

That my

Sleep cycle

Says

Fuck me

In

Every

Way

.

.

.

Maybe it’s

Not so bad

Isolation

Is the best

Place for

Someone

Stuck in

My ways

.

.

.

.

I’ll tuck you

Into bed

Kiss your head

.

.

.

I’ll always come back

But I got to go

To my room

To the show

I’m sorry

But I got to go

Come back

I will

But leave

I must

Now

.

.

No going back

.

.

Insomnia

Will let me

See

What I’m not

Facing

.

Chasing

Something

.

Hungry

.

Tired

.

Gotta give in

To live

Love you

The way

You want

me to

.

I think

.

I’m winging it

.

This feels right

.

.

Reminds me

Of centered

Parts of who

I used to be

.

.

Dear

Insomnia

Please let

Me be

.

.

I have

dreams

I have

To see

.

I can’t

When you

Won’t let me

Be

.

.

You always

Come back

To me &

Drift away

Just as the sea

.

.

Intended you

.

.

Come and go

As you please

My insomnia-tic

Feen

.

Moonlight

Comes

Bright

.

Most

People

Sleep

.

I howl at

The moon

.

.

A dancing loon

.

Happy as hell

With no sleep

.

.

Compared to

What I used

To be

I’ll take the

Festival

Steep

.

.

Watch the stars

Wonder how

Far

I can

Drive

.

.

Insomnia

And a

Playlist

.

Time

doesn’t

Exist

.

I’m alive

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Wonder how

Far I’ll get

With this

Daze

.

You were

supposed

to go

away

.

.

Insomnia

I know

you’ll stay

To haunt me

Of the things

I meant

To choose

.

The things

I stand to lose

.

.

Improve

.

Your driving me

Crazy

Can’t wait

To finally

Sleep

.

.

I could

pass out on

This floor

Still wake up

With a divine

Flow

.

Chastised

For digging

So deep I had to

Share the glow

.

.

Shall I say

Your name

One more

time

.

.

.

Pray to God

It’s not all

In my head

.

Insomnia

Send me to

Our Sleep

Shed

.

.

Make me a bed

Tell me i did good

Pull up my head

Tell me

the truth

It’s going to

be dead

For awhile

Got to catch

Up on my dreams

.

.

Insomnia

Don’t leave me

I need you

I can still

Turn on myself

Your the only

One that tells

The truth

.

.

Sleep

Coming for me

He knows I’ve

Been running

Not empty

.

Comes to heal me

Brings a blanket

Let’s me lay

Until I take it

.

It’s sick

You both

Love me

Lay with me

Give into me

.

Dear God

What an

Amazement

I’ve seen

.

Insomnia-tic

Sleep

You both know

The music

Captivated me

.

Laid with me

Gave into me

Let me be free

.

I got to

run to the

Stage

maybe

An Uber

Will

Bring me

back

To my cage

.

One day

Driving isn’t

a strength

With this

Sway

.

.

Oh May

At it again

Using hearts

As

Pillows

Across these

States

Morning comes

You get up

Before everyone

Leave

before

they can

Even offer

To have some

Fun

Got to go

Can’t lay here

And stare anymore

.

These thoughts can’t

Go past my lips

.

How many years

Insomnia

Can this go

.

How many tears

Have you made

Me choke

.

Breath life

I am not alone

I hate admitting

The truth but

It’s both

I hang onto

The phone

.

I can’t stay asleep forever

& and I can’t stay up

As much as I want

.

I need both for balance

Both to keep me young

.

Help me focus on the

Medicine the one

Who dwells inside

My lung

.

I’d stand on top

A mountain &

Confess my truths

To you then

Dive down

To the ocean

And show you

It was you there

Too

.

I’m insane

Been up too

Long sleep has

Called and

Checked my tone

He knows I’ve

Been feeling quite

Alone

Confides in me

To let him be

The only one

Inside of me

.

I’m so confused

I should go

To bed

Insomnia

Please

Just hold

my head

Don’t leave me

Here with just

This bed

I need you

Please

Come hold

this head

.

Let me fall

Like I used to

Notebook

& a

Pen

.

Close to you.

.

.

Touch me

Kiss this head

I got to go

Both of you

Are getting to me

I don’t know which

One will let me breath

I’m overwhelmed by

The inconsistencies

My only choice

Now is Sleep.

Insomnia come

To me in my dreams

Come and remind

Me of the truth

The one I can’t

Afford to lose

I can’t even hide

In booze

I guess that’s

Why I chose my shoes

I have to go

The choice is made

I won’t go

where

My voice

Could fade

.

.

Infinity

Is a long

Time to

Cascade

Alone

Back and Forth

Like a

Rocking chair

.

Twiddling

My thumbs

Like nO

One

Cares

.

My confidence

Is wobbly

.

This

Shit

Is

Getting

Real

.

With every

Thought

Or song

Or talk

Or Feel

.

I know

It’s

Coming

Up

.

Let’s heal

.

Fly to Vegas

And find

A deal

Maybe

The Cortez

.

What a steal

.

Let’s heal

.

This stuff

Is weird

.

Hocus Pocus

.

Made – UP

.

Mirrored

.

God is sending

Me some have

Feared

Their intuition

They have

Teared

They can’t

Trust

Blindly

.

Even when

Their

Hearts beat

Kindly

.

With me

Tapping

Ever so

Lightly

.

Do you

Feel

The pounding

In your

Heart

Space

.

Boys

Listen to yourself

Listen better

Than

Anyone

Else

.

I cannot help

That I can see

I’m losing my

Mind

Subconsciously

.

.

.

These pieces

Of fruit

Lay down

To root

.

.

Plant a seed

That was

Not me

.

Fly away

Let’s go stay

.

Maybe to the Cortez

Back to the

Good ole days

.

Boys please

Make up

Your minds

.

Tease

.

I cannot

Control

.

.

What I

.

.

I see

.

.

What else

Shall I

Show you

To show you

It’s all real

.

What else

To divulge

To show

I’m

Not

Losing

Myself

.

I pour

My hearts

Out onto

This screen

.

Maybe one day

I’ll get a ping

.

Maybe you’ll

Remember I

Am more than

A thing

.

One of a kind

That you never

Did mind

.

.

A delicious fruit

That waits on

A vine

.

I’m hanging here

A serpent

Is drawing near

.

Don’t leave me here

.

Show me my mirror

No more tears.

Supernatural

Oh

Hello

My

Supernatural

Love

.

I find us

Flying above

Most the worlds

Limitations

.

.

Money is an object

Proble why I hate it

What a shitty blanket

.

.

.

Who cares what I owe

They can wait

.

Credit score?

What for.

A house?

I’m getting a van

Renting

Until

Who knows

.

.

Kundalini is calling me

But your not

I understand

Your unworthy

Ness

All it takes

Is a confess

Don’t apologize

There is no shame

No pain

No emotion

Just Zen

Let me in

I’m getting

Cold out here

Still smiling

But the wheels

Are perspiring

Rolling their eyes

At your bitmoji

Still Inspiring

Wishing they could

Enchant you

As easily as they did

To me

Free will

I surrendered

To THEE

So stubborn

Remarkably

Enticing

Part of your charm

A smile that rings

No alarm

In me

Hello

My

Supernatural

One

Ready

To have

A lot of

Fun

We won’t

Even need

Drugs

Hopefully

Lots of hugs

Come together

Like a Beatles song

I can show you

You are longed

Four.

Madness

A divinely

Surrendering

Madness

.

Stole that

From a

Channeler

On my page

.

.

I can see you

.

I dream of you

.

On that stage

I see you

Feel you

.

With each

Inhale

I send

the exhale

To you

.

My strength

I’ve found

In this

Profound

Time of

my life

.

Not ours

.

Mine

.

Thought you were

Gonna be dead

.

Sometimes I tire

Too busy chuckling

From our fire

.

.

.

Listen to my body

She tells me

What she needs

I am listening

Honey

It doesn’t

Sound funny

.

Synchronicities

Save me from

Believing

Any of you

.

.

Instant rage

Steals my

Peace when

You come at me

Like I don’t belong

Like what I am

Doing is wrong

.

.

.

I was meant to

Change the world

Not fit in

No sheeple

For me

.

.

.

You were meant

To change the world

Not flip a pen

.

.

.

.

.

I see your daydreams

They are mine

We’ve been living

There for quite

Sometime

In my dreams

You are a Mime

But I read your lips

.

.

Follow all your

Finger tips

Wait to take sips

Of our find

Our kind

Help us grow

No hollow

Walk parallel

Finally

No follow

.

.

I don’t feel like

Singing a full

Song

.

.

Never really

Felt right

.

.

Pull me up

On that stage

Not so low

anymore

.

.

.

Smile you know

Your SOLO

misses Me

anyways

.

.

Your hands want

To feel me

With a craze

A divine haze

.

.

.

Left room for

An ego to come

In at night

Tell me I don’t

Have to fight

I gave in

.

.

The music left me

Couldn’t even

Observe you

Obsessively

.

You were gone

.

Do you see?

.

You had already

escaped me

.

I looked in

The mirror too

.

Didn’t care

If I turned blue

.

.

Then I thought of you

.

.

.

Even if we didn’t talk

.

.

.

.

.

I never wanted my

Mom to make that call

To you

.

.

I wish I wasn’t such

A coward when it

Came to you

How I realize now

I was working against

You

.

Hurting you

My perfect

Divine

Truth

.

.

The denial worked

For a long time

.

A smile + a laugh

.

Real quick

.

Back to my

Hollow stick

.

.

A fascination

That got sick

.

I’m a cough

.

That won’t go away

.

When your rAsp

.

Subsides you miss

.

Your May

.

.

.

.

.

Don’t confuse

I am not a fling

Some thing

To toss another

Ring

I am the truth

Come to my booth

I would

Never

Turn on

you Now

.

I see your

Questioning

Brow

.

.

I am Ella

Enchanted

I have to stay

I am May

.

.

.

.

Roadmap

I’ve drawn you

A map

Nothing special

Just a little tap

I know you feel

Dosed

Ready to coast

But grab some

Toast and smile

7 years

Is a long while

It doesn’t mean

We cannot sing

Find a way

To send a ring

I need you

To trust me

Fully

I need you

To listen

To me

.

.

.

I see.

.

.

.

.

.

Hear me?

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑