This is my fate

You used to make me want to live

Now I can’t wait to die

Just so I can see you again

.

.

That was what I got

From my meditation today

.

.

I knew there was something

Still inside I wasn’t facing

With my full attention

.

.

It’s grief

Continued agonizing grief

I keep trying to process

As a light hearted grief

.

.

But it’s not

It’s deep

Rooted

Buried in me

Something I can’t explain

Means everything to me

.

.

I used to be a moth

Flying to my flame

Flapping anxiously

Around it

Never giving it a name

.

But running towards

It like my life depended

On if I made the trip & came

.

Now i fly here

Darkness

& that

Light is now

a dim beam

.

Walking around

Cautiously wondering

Who is to blame

.

Its you coward

You listen to the wrong ones

Thought they had your best

Intentions so you kept

Going with the flow

.

.

If I were a ship I’d crash

Cause your lighthouse

Is broken

No light rotating

Guiding me to

Come home

.

.

I must admit

Most days I am great

I emit my own light

This is my fate

.

.

But I can’t shake

The grief that

Something isn’t right

.

.

With the light

I used to call

My safe place

.

Is the chest the same

Or has it become mundane

Disguised as a marriage

With true sin surrounding

No names

.

Why even look in the mirror

When you know it’s not good

Clouding our memories

And hiding in a hood

.

.

Can’t face yourself

So you tell me

To lose my grip

I was standing on a canyon

You were hanging below

Don’t slip

.

.

Driving along IL

With the ringing

“You”calling

I didn’t see this coming

.

Of all the premonitions

This one is of my stunning

.

.

I could’ve wrecked my car

When that voice came through

I couldn’t believe it wasn’t you

Who the fuck was I talking to?

“You sound nice” .ha. Accidentally

Slipped through. Smacking my head

You weren’t supposed to read into that

Shortened vision quest

.

.

.

My nightmares were true

All your friends said

That it wouldn’t be you

Brace yourself cause

Gordon is through

He’s just not the same

I think he’s stuck in his brain

Connecting pretending

That this is his game

.

.

I never wanted your ring

Your filthy fling

Or you to buy me

petty little things

.

.

I wanted to talk

Vent what we’ve always

been through

.

I needed a friend

For what I was going through

.

.

But no friend was there

Just a man in despair

Giving me lines

His chains had written for him

Giving me lines

He made himself believe in

The Placebo is real

But you’ve used it so wrong

.

That power of the mind

Was for the stage

Not to inflict pain

Now it sits in her envious cage

.

.

.

I wanted to provoke you

Into all of your

Ever loving truth

I wanted you to find someone

Who would top me

Care for you & the divine

Art that so easily poured

Out of you

.

.

But here we are

Playing far

Pretending I

Don’t still miss you

.

.

These miles stretch on

But I still see you

In every guitar

.

.

I could sway forever

Waiting for you to come

Back to the stage

Write the song

You’ve been meaning to

While I’ve been gone

.

.

You know it’s been years

And feels like dragging on

.

.

It’s easier for me

To admit then

Gnawing at my thumbs

.

.

I’m sure if you read

This it’s stun would

Do you good

Maybe even better

Then When THE END

Should’ve played for you

.

.

Where did he go?

This man with such truth?

The eyes I couldn’t stay on too long?

Where did he go?

Did the one I love turn blue?

Maybe his puppet strings

Are just waiting for his Cue

.

.

My senses are heightened

As I find life living in me

My meditations are

Heartbreaking

With images of you

I asked them to make

Me blind to thee

.

.

Take him away

From all of my memories

.

.

If I could cut this chord

God knows I would’ve

A decade ago

Never answered my phone

For that tone or voice

.

.

I would’ve deleted

Your voicemail

Like I deleted

Your wife’s bullshit

.

.

But I’ve found in my

Short time

I’m a pit bull

To abuse

I’ll stay on this chain

While you hang from a noose

.

.

Enjoy the booze

I know it helps you cut loose

Make yourself feel better

By claiming no truth

.

.

Blame me for problems

You did on your own

Feel guilt and despair

While I cry alone

.

.

I sit with this grief

Like it’s the last bit

Of you I have

I keep thinking one day

You won’t make me so sad

.

.

I really wouldn’t care if

You never did call

What would I do

If I picked up this ball

Now I’m lying

Trying to cover

My withdraws

.

.

I really just want you

To live up to your potential

That musician man so tall

Go back to the hotel

The hallways

Tell me truths

.

.

Go back to the bath tub

Dip your toes in

Let’s confess our faults

.

.

The light comes too soon

And I have to let go of

My favorite spoon

Crawl away with your eyes closed

It kills me to say I gotta go

.

.

I can’t stay where I am not fully wanted

I can’t stay where you hide in me also

Your my charge port

My greatest life lesson

A fast track of a karmic

Progression

.

.

I pray for you

Like you’ve passed on

Killed my friend

And wrote you a song

I have to write forever

Like all great artists do

Living a life

While missing their muse

I see now while all the

greats

Go insane

They have a choice

Heartbreak or Mundane

In the end we end

Up on the same plane

If you’ve read this

far can you pull

Out your guitar

And write what is in

Your heart?

.

.

I’m dying inside

To see what you hide

In that glass house

Of yours

.

.

Are you an ATM?

Feeling validated

By being such a man

A provider for a women

Who claws at you

For things

Never caring for your mind

.

.

Give me your mind

You know I will treat it kind

Give it to me

So I can confide

Send me your love

And I’ll keep it safe above

Give me your mind

So I can close up this divine

.

.

I wonder what it’s like

Missing me

It’s a sick denial

I wish to encompass

.

A slow burning death

That can only end in trumpets

.

.

I’ve finally found the creature

You loved in me

Took her in and broke

The chains she used

To sit with comfortably

Gave her a bed

Told her to rest her head

Maybe he will find himself

And come back one day

She lays there and cries

While I hold her ever so tight

Telling her in retrospect

She was too bright

The world beat her

The men defeated her

The drugs depleted her

But you did the worst

Denying a lifeline

That can easily feel cursed

I didn’t choose this either

But you fucking pushed

.

.

If I could go back

I wouldn’t beat her

I would’ve loved her

Years ago before you

Could ever leave a mark

I would’ve held her better than

You so I wouldn’t crave you in the dark

If this is what sick is

Then I’ll write it out everyday

My favorite form of poison

Is a man I named dismay

I wish that I could scream

But what an alarm that would

Sound these days

.

.

I wish I could tell you everything

Because it’s hard you aren’t around

The last time I saw you I was rushed away

Cried the whole ride home

Cause I knew our fate

.

.

The cloud of karma had finally

Reached its ground

And here you are

Screaming but I’m deafened

By your new sound

.

I see you in every guitarist

Vocalist or crowd

I think I’d pass out if

I saw you

Or turn and run

For the opposite of your crowd

.

.

I never wanted you as my possession

Never a status symbol for myself

I wanted to stand in the dark

And listen to the love you got

From the crowd

.

.

I didn’t mean to speak to you the

Night you called my phone

I wanted so bad to block you

But I can’t hide from Casper

I’m always going to answer for you

.

.

I’m scared your experiencing

Where I’ve been

.

I’m always going to answer for you

Cause I couldn’t stand you wearing thin

.

I’m always here for you because you

Helped me find my truth

Little by little

You didn’t let me die within

.

.

You know what you were doing

Captivated my by noose

But you helped me want to live to

Every trip

My breath felt loose

.

.

A new perspective

Every hit

You were the perfect bandage

Helped me quit

.

.

I couldn’t breath

And I ran to you

I caught my breath

Then you lifted me to

.

.

Higher places I

Couldn’t trust anyone else

To take , my soul

Told me that you were okay

Just listen for now

.

.

This love could kill you

If you aren’t careful

Of the second show

.

.

His karma will take

The love he has and

Rape it

Won’t let it grow

.

.

Make him think

He was enabling &

Faking it

What a mindfuck

To let go

.

.

A spell casted dagger

Of choice I chose a different fate

I let them beat me mercilessly

Rather

Them cut you from my plate

.

.

I wonder what it felt like

To take that precious fate

To kill the one who

Put you there

In all your tainted ways

.

.

The only one who excepted

The darkness you had in you

The one who held the leash

For your collar you liked to

Play the broken fool

.

.

I wonder what it feels like

When I come across your mind

Does your breathing get

All angry cause you

Forgot this control isn’t mine

.

.

Does it bug you

That I’m happy

With or without you

Does it bug you

I miss you but I

Can still tell you

To fuck off too?

.

.

God if I saw you

What the fuck would

I even do?

.

.

Stand there and faultier

Wondering if it’s really you

What if your voice was

As rehearsed as your

Last phone call

.

.

Can only be the one

I know for a moment

Then snap back to your show

.

I couldn’t take a second blow

.

Life is changing fast

I can’t wait for you to show

Life is changing fast

I’m scared

Where did you go?

.

.

I need you to find

Your soulmate

The one who

Inspires you

.

Don’t worry

I’m forever your muse

Just tap in &

Enjoy the show

.

.

Get away from

the one who

Rolls there eyes

Because your

Networking isn’t through

.

.

You’ve done so much

And come so far

To say age is what stopped you

.

.

I’d rather be dead

Then live in a world

Where you gave up

On yourself.

.

.

.

.

.

Dear friend

Too harsh?

Or is a nail sinking

Into your head

Maybe I’m crazy

Like they have always said

.

.

Maybe

Just maybe

I saw the authentic you

.

And just like you saw me

I didn’t want them to

Influence you to

Lose you.

.

.

So my peace is death

And knowing this life

Is just another clue

A footprint of a life

We can call

But never knew

.

.

I cannot wait to see you

In all your glory and

True light

I cannot wait to see you

When you realize

This isn’t a fight

.

.

Forgive yourself

For breaking

A part of me that needed

To break

.

.

Forgive yourself

For cutting inside

Your own fucked

headspace

.

.

I am with you regardless

It’s something I’ve learned

To live with

.

.

The grief is new

But I’m flirting with

It like the sick creature

You love and know

Can’t give up

Just because you

Gave me a bad show

.

.

You make me stronger

In everything you do

Cut me down &

Watch me grow

.

.

The perfect teacher

To love & to hate

I couldn’t deny you

This too is my fate

Life•Man

Life is fickle

Life is exhilarating

Life is weird man

Life is a rollercoaster

Hang on

.

.

These are all things people

Have said to me along the way

.

.

I’m curious of what they’ve

Got themselves into

By the words they

Choose for me to hear

Especially the man

Who says

“Life is fickle”

Who have you been

Listening to?

What a shrouded

Tree you

Refuse to bloom

Seems like these

Roots will twist

Deeper & deeper

Until something

Snaps

Find your true keeper

.

.

“Life is weird man”

The artist said

Scratching his head

With a golden smile

In bed

He rolls his eyes

Because his mind is

So alive

He’s the one

We’ve been rooting for

The one who questions

Kindly just curious

In his way confidently

Expresses himself

In immaculate ways

Any instrument he

Can make come alive

But his dark side

Is fickle and has

Become his demise

So I guess we’ll

Hang on to this

exhilarating ride

Fickle or freedom

I’d still make a run

To save him ,confide

To bring back the

Eyes of the one left inside

Dance in a field

And scream white snake

In my ear

Just to make sure you

Are alive again

Fickle play dead

Dormant as skin shed

Combine the two

And live with truth

Life is what you

Make it

Fickle

Or not

Come back

through

To my favorite

Version of you

The authentic truth.

4:32 pm/8:35pm

June 28,2019

Am I Still the Snake ?

One time I told a little girl

“If I am truly the snake

That bit you

Then you would

Know my venom

Is your cure. ”

.

.

She couldn’t hear me

Her possession she thought

Was being stolen

A boy I knew

A man so true

Caught between

Loving him

And loving you

.

.

Am I still the snake?

Do you still Burden

Yourself like I am

A mistake?

.

.

You must be possessed

Always in competition

With yourself

Losing the “thing” you

Want the most

.

.

But the thing

Is awakening

Pushing away from you

Wants to find his Ghost

.

.

I can’t tell if he’s a moth

Stuck in a cocoon

Or still walking around

Playing husband with a loon

What difference does it make

If this truly is his fate

.

.

This karma is yours

I’m just here settling up

Some open doors

.

.

I know you think of me

Talk about me in your

Tribe of lies

I hear you

And I’m sorry

For what you think I

Put you through

.

I am inappropriate ?

While you beat him

Up inside?

.

.

I have to let go when

Your the one who scares

Him on the inside?

.

.

I wanted to meet you

Have you show me you

Weren’t like all the rest

.

.

After years of sacrifice

I realize I cannot progress

I’ve held his guitar

Traveled

Near, wide

And far

.

.

To sit in a corner

And watch him glow

.

.

While you sit there and

Gossip with a friend

Who is your foe

He fucked her ya know?

I laughed when I saw

This know.

I watched you talk

& never watch him sing

It pissed me off he

Loved such a careless

Being

.

.

Dear friend your funny

How you put on a show

I’m flattered truly that

You wanted to hide from me

I cannot judge you

I’ve done the same to Thee

.

.

But listen here

I see you clear

And I’m here to tell the truth

I cannot like you ever girl

You are not good for his soul

.

.

I am not here to take him away

I am only here to show you your fate

Try and trap him

Think a baby will do

When he is alone

I know he will stew

.

.

I won’t go away

I’ve tried

You both won’t

Let go

It doesn’t dissipate

I left you alone

.

.

But you can’t take care

Of him I know

So am I the snake?

.

.

Because your constricting

His breathing

.

.

I wish he would say

I plan on leaving

.

What a shame

.

You had a chance

Everything sleeping

Next to you

.

Gold wanted to sit

In your hands

.

I watched him fall

Away from me

I waved goodbye

Willingly

.

.

.

But I am sick

Knowing you yell

.

I am sick

Knowing you abuse

Him when he tries to

Tell

.

I would kill me

.

If it meant he could

Forget me & the truth

.

.

But what good would that do

When you are the misery

He has come to Use

.

.

I would just come back and haunt you

Every time you raise your voice

Or deny his loud despair

I will hover over you

Showing Him I care

.

.

When you are walking alone

I will creek the floor

Slam a gift I sent you

And watch you gravel

On the floor

.

.

I do not hate you

But my love shows me

You are untrue

.

I will not be your friend

When you hurt a

Part of my soul

.

.

Maybe if you’d let him be

Unclench your fist of

Rotten envy

.

.

It won’t happen

I’ve talked to you

Asked you questions

To soften the blow

.

I am not your enemy

.

.

But you continue to make me

.

.

If the devil is what you want

From me then baby

.

Enjoy the show

.

Raise your voice

.

One more fucking time

.

And I’ll fly to the south

.

And show you my wrath

.

And leave with your sin

.

In Tow

.

How can an enemy

Volunteer to suck

The venom out that

Isn’t theirs to show?

.

I ingest your poison

I can ground it

Ever Flow

.

I have to kill myself

To you so you

Think you can grow

.

I believe in you

Don’t feel bad

Release

Just go

.

And remember what I know

.

Your face is beautiful

But that is just about it

Can’t be kind to a server

After walking in their shoes

.

Maybe you should quit

.

Can’t stay quiet for a minute to

Watch your husbands show

.

Turn your phone on low

It saddens me deeply

To know your the

karmic doe

.

Do you hold his guitar or just

Make sure no other girl wants

To at all?

.

What a shame you turned out

To be such a bitter withdrawal

.

.

I swear I wanted to meet you

But how could I not kill you?

.

.

How was I supposed to fake

All the bullshit I knew you put

Him through?

.

He was perfect and difficult

At the same time

.

Yin and a yang

The perfect Divine

.

All you had to do

Was get in the car &

Go for a drive

.

You couldn’t do that

Your insecurities

Have spoken too loud

.

Keep yelling

I hear you

.

.

But your vibes just

Make him die

.

I’m here breathing

For two

.

.

because

Your choking him

And whispering

I love you too.

.

.

I wish you would go

Leave because you know

.

I will haunt you

Because you want me to

.

I will haunt you

Because you know the truth

.

You better hope I live

Because if I die

.

I promise I will come for you

Hells Fire will rain down

For what you’ve done to him

.

It is not my duty to punish

A sin but I’d gladly throw away

My karmic wheel to be

Apart of your Tin

.

.

I’ll shake the walls

Let your wedding pictures fall

Blasphemy ! Bitch!

I’ll destroy them all

.

.

Just fucking be kind !

That’s what I’ve wanted

This whole time

.

.

How hard is it to put

Your love on the line?

.

You want him forever ?

You have till the end of this life

.

Then the truth comes out

Forever

he is actually

.

Mine

.

Enjoy him while you can

I hope his flesh tastes as

Good as your sin

.

I’m praying for you

To unclench your fist

.

I’m praying for you

That you help him

Stay true to HIMself

.

But my minds eye

Tells me the truth

And I am

Watching you

.

Pray for me

I’ve been praying for you

1:30

6/22/19

Untitled Flow

If you could

Wake up everyday

For you

Tell me

What would you do ?

.

I know you wouldn’t

Go to work

That place isn’t

Fun to lurk

.

So tell me

What would you do

To actually support you?

Heaven knows

You haven’t been

Seeing yourself

Through

.

Have you forgotten

Your passion along the way

Mundane , condemned

To the Sheeples way

.

I’m sure it pains

You to say

The artist are right

We’ve lost our way

We’re the last connection

Before the dark decays

The light

.

I continue to write

Like I have not one reader

I continue to write

Because I finally

Found what feeds her

.

One day I woke up

It was a Sunday

I believe

.

I’m still in shock

.

The things I’d done to me

.

I ran around with

my cape on

saving methadone

And heroine

.

Sad helpless

Vagabonds

Looking for someone

To see them

Give them a home

.

Praying God

Would guide me through

All the people who said

I had zero attachment to you

.

You believe the Devil

Was in me and that I

Believe is true

.

You were scared for me

You didn’t realize

You fucking left me too

.

I sat in front of him

And asked why he is

So hated from people

Who act just like you

.

He began to tell me

That this world is Jaded

.

Won’t look at themselves

Through

So they say I did it

Won’t confess their

Self created hell

So I must’ve come

To finish it

.

They wanted the world

So I asked for their soul

If they didn’t want to take

Care of it then my job is

To steal the role

.

It’s a balance you see

Yin and Yang Biblically

.

.

I wonder what it would

Be like having

Everyone think

They know you ?

.

Looking at your sins

And out bursts

Like

“Oh Ofcourse that’s you”

.

I understand why poison

Is so easily passed a long

.

I really try to lessen

the blow

By sending you

a song

.

I’m tired of being chastised

For finding the girl I

Almost killed

.

I’m tired of giving my

Love to those who

Think strings have to

Be filled

.

I’m tired of being looked

At because I will not be

What you will

.

I cannot walk your direction

This feels too much a foe

Just know that I love you

But I really do have to go

.

I decided today

To wake up for myself

No one but God and

Cheyenne herself

.

Too many peaky eyes

Think that’s selfish

I hear …

“Didn’t you get married “

They say

“You’re one now!”

They say

WIFE

They HAVE to

prove to me

.

Can’t be a

friend in you

I refuse to see

Lost my way

.

I look at them in silence

And know they just

Need me to pray

.

Stuck in Karma

An Epiphany on the way

.

Forgive them Lord

They love your job

So easy to hide their

Sin in me & walk away

.

I walk around

Sinning like its free

.

I say fuck

Shit

Damn

And tell you

ThIs Is mE

.

You are not realizing

That your soul can

Also be damned

Without judging me

.

Open your bible

I’ll read it with you

Not one version

But the million

We’ve drew

.

I will find the truth

Hidden in you

You can’t hide from me

God won’t let you

.

I am not righteous

I prefer to walk on the

Line

I’ll never pass a sinner

And think that they are

Not mine

We are all connected

How can you be so blind

.

Caught up in a world

That all ya’ll know

Isn’t FINE

.

So close your eyes

And listen to the voice

That is so small

In that head

It’s the Angel in you

Calling saying please

Face ME before I’m dead

.

They can’t stay forever

If you choose to

Write them off

.

If you chose to read

This far have you

Chosen yourself

At all?

.

Or are you reading

This away from them

And hiding from yourself

The light is coming

I want you here

.

Don’t let the darkness

Win

.

and if you do

It’s not my fault

You’ve rotten

From within

.

Just know

When you fall

.

I’ll dive down

.

Crawl

.

You really

.

Aren’t that tall

.

No noose is fun

Especially when

The deed is done

.

You’ll regret it

I promise

You’ll miss everyone

Ask Bennington

Cornell

They know

But the choice was

In the call

.

if you choose your noose

Then I will hang with you

.

Loose

.

I’ll sit beside

with

Blood shot eyes

And hang until

You choose

.

Unbind yourself

Combine yourself

Divinity is within you

.

Chastise yourself?

Why ? God is that

The day he Judges you

.

So picture it

Your judgement day

Do you think you are

So clean?

I promise you

My sin is real

But it won’t pop

Up on your screen

.

You can’t pass

The bucket

And just say

Fuck it

Like the energy

Isn’t real

.

You condemn

Yourself to the

devils den

And think you

Can live through

My sin

.

Remember I’ve been

Sending love this

Whole damn time

.

You’ve been hearing

Steering, glaring

Blind, Telling lies

Fucking my eyes

Kindly simply

Squeezing limes

.

I can wipe it away

It is not mase

But

.

That is just not nice

.

Yet

here I am

Loving all of you

.

Asking and wondering

Do you actually love you too?

.

Can you show up

For yourself

When life just isn’t fair ?

.

Control your temper

When you found

Another cross to bear?

.

Call me text me

You aren’t alone

This life we live

Can be a bore

.

Don’t close the door

Get up from the floor

You can’t do this alone

.

I need a little

Help from my friends

Can’t do this on

My own

But I refuse to

Have the vampires

Come and pretend

We are friends

Fuck off

Go home

.

I SEE YOU foe

.

So let me go

You are not

Kind to me

Can’t help

Me grow

So watch

me

Flow

.

Away

Away

Away

From

You

.

Take care

Dear friends

I have to go

.

.

.

.

.

Don’t forget.

.

.

.

I love you.

.

.

.

11:57

6/21

Untitled Flow

I am you friend

Moments of clarity

Are not peaceful

They are painful

Realizations of

What you’ve done

To yourself and

Everyone you

Love

.

.

Sometimes

The epiphany

Comes when

It’s too late

To make amends

If that’s the case

.

.

Wish them well

.

.

Thank them

For reaching out

.

.

If misunderstandings

& bold face lies only

Come from

their perspective

.

.

.

Wish them well

.

.

Maybe someday

You’ll get your

Side of the

Story to tell

.

.

Until then

Walk kind

As much as

You can

.

.

It is so hard

To be nice

In a world

Where community

Is the last on

Everyone’s mind

.

.

You go out with

Good intention

And a nasty

Energy greets

You everywhere

You go

.

.

Be kind to yourself

And to everyone

You know

.

.

It’s still my

Struggle

Not to act

Like God

& judge

Everyone

.

.

This world

Makes it

So easy

To hate

each other

.

.

Can we remember

We re all connected

All one

.

.

Can you believe

That age

Career

Money

Or race

Is the catalyst

To it all

.

.

The evolution

We have stunted

Yet feel like

We have surpassed

Them all

.

.

Ancient civilizations

Knew more than we

And here we sit acting

High class digging

Up their remains

.

.

This will all end

The money

My friend

.

.

Find your loved ones

Let them know

You were blind

The seed couldn’t sew

With such hate

Living between

Love that should grow

.

.

This is not

Our time

My friends

We are living

In The End

.

.

.

If an epiphany

Should happen

To find you

Just know that

God is trying to

Talk to you

.

.

Open you up

Far past your

Bestowed parental

Frame

He is coming

To tell you

Your apart of

The change

.

.

Do you feel alone?

Werewolf and stoned?

Can you remember this

Body is just loaned?

.

.

Find yourself

&

Look in the mirror

Don’t pity

Yourself

For seeing the truth

.

.

We re all ugly

Until we face the truth

But we face our demons

To show everyone the truth

This is me

I am just like you.

8:18 PM June 15

Maybe I should Testify

I have known many of you most of my life if not all of it & I love every single one of you for every interaction we’ve had even if I had to label it good or bad all of us are a blessing to each other even if we’re not meant to stay very long or we are just a lesson God wanted us to hear. Today though I’d like to point out the flaws that we blind ourselves to.

I’d like to kindly show all of you what judgement easily made can viciously do. Judgement can come to you in the form of a little snowflake, so small that we can placebo effect ourselves into treating it as a “white lie” we can convince ourselves it’s okay that I am judging this stranger , this janitor , this mother , this server, this child.

But let’s dig the knife a little deeper let’s talk about judging your family. Every dinner, every step, every holiday. Can you admit that you do that? Do you compare 401K’s and talk about all the stuff you bought ? We all do. That’s always been topics of conversations no matter what family I reside with. We talk about materialistic worldly things because at least we’re trained daily to know how to talk about that. Do you look at your family members and think you know best for them because your a CEO of something? Do you believe that God made your path and my path the exact same?

How boring.

Why would he do that?

The times have to continuously change so why should we all feel we should all stay the same?

Be the same?

I don’t believe God will ask me why I wasn’t exactly like my uncles advise me to be. I don’t believe God will ask me why I didn’t own a Texas Roadhouse or Bubba’s 33 when I was clearly on the path of It if I wanted it to be. I had the 401K. The benefits. The salary job. The company that paid for my food, clothes, travel, training ,housing , you name it they offered it!

I was responsible for what felt like everyone and everything and at the end of the day it wasn’t my dream I was waking up for everyday. Even worse I knew it everyday. I was waking up for my husband so he wouldn’t realize how epically lost I was. I woke up for my mother because she kept reminding me what I great opportunity I had before me given my resume and college drop out back ground. I was making more money than I knew a college drop out could. I counted so much money that wasn’t mine it stunned me someone gave me control of their funds when they have no idea who I am except for a background check and an interview that I could pass like a personality test online.

In the eyes of all the worldly American Dream advice I had been given my whole life I had made it to where they all told me to go. I had made it to where the ones who said they loved me were blind by the 401K and my job security. I tried to fake it I did really good at it actually I was let go as a server in one state and brought as a manager in another. My manager interview was 3 hours. I knew the company like the back of my hand.

But I didn’t know myself.

I knew enough to feed and water myself and when life got too much I would go back to yoga like end of the line sinners go back to prayer. I was not consistent with myself and no one had ever taught me that it was the most important thing. To honor yourself and take care of yourself. I just thought if I ate French fries I would be okay.

I was promoted through 3 different levels in my first year in Kansas City , I bought my dream car brand new off the lot just to have something more to wake up for. I knew I wasn’t waking up for myself. It was the first time I was truly alone in the world with no familiar friends to lean on and family was a phone call away but honestly what could I say? I’m happy but I’m not? I’m good at this lie but this isn’t me. I started feeling like a defect. I was doing the career but I felt so empty inside it was crashing and burning any chance it could.

Picture a dam with random holes springing out and you have to play twister with your fingers and toes plugging holes on the wall so it doesn’t explode.

My attitude was horrible, i was mean, resentful, sometimes hateful. I literally could not adjust myself from a bad mood or a bad day. I would feel so zen at home in my tree pose then as soon as I walked in the door I felt like I just got put into a cage.

I took up chain smoking cigarettes again outside just to see the sunlight on my face. It gave my boss a reason to pick on me more but I used the nicotine as a way to run out of the door. I could’ve sat there but at that time I was doing breath work to calm myself with nicotine didn’t know I really didn’t want the cig it was just a coping mechanism. I would wake up run the show shower and dream for a couple hours of who I really wanted to be then the alarm would go off and as my eyes opened reality set in. I had to go back to the circus , my show.

I cycled through levels of promotions, states and multiple stores through the company. I met the owner who is still my idol and all the top tier people in the company. I had Anti-idols that disguised themselves as idols. I was blind. By the end of December 2018 I was spent. I had been driving this train the wrong direction for almost 6 years and God finally had enough.

I had turned into someone I didn’t recognize, I had gained weight in places I didn’t know I could have fat , my hair was falling out and my skin literally looked like my soul was being sucked dry.

I would come home and see my families all the people that mean the world to me and I would basically try to convince them that I’m okay. I used to say “ I’m going home so I’m going to get my nails and hair done so my mom will think I’m okay” I said it jokingly and sarcastically in the happiest voice and I would always get a good laugh from my servers on it and deep down poor little Cheyenne was just crying because it was the absolute truth. I was dying inside. My flame was burning out slowly. Only one family member told me the truth at that time. My She-She , she would rub my back and twist her fingers through my hair standing by the kitchen window and I could see her look right through me. She was worried but the words took time to move past her lips. She would remind me cautiously and yearly it is okay to leave. You are not a failure if this isn’t the life you want. God doesn’t want you to be so sad and so sick, honey your hair is so dull and thin. Your face is so swollen yet sunken in.

You’d think I was on drugs with how sick , overworked and under appreciated I was. I was truly someone I didn’t know how to love.

I was judging , I was jaded and I was in a pit of negativity I had truly put myself in. I can’t be the person anymore that looks back and goes because of what you did to me “I am this way” “I act this way “ because that’s just not true. That’s a deflecting technique I used for so long to justify the pain I hid inside.

If you are that person to it is okay!

But it isn’t okay if you realize it and do nothing about it. What happened to us is not our fault but our healing is. What our parents taught us is not all there is to learn or believe. Parents can be wrong even when you want them to be right. We are the evolution of our parents not our parents.

Our mothers and fathers are super hero’s while we are growing up. We get to play and get messy and they tell us eat play pray sleep! And so many other things but as we grow older and come into our own did anybody else get to a point where they looked at their parents and just went

“oh you don’t know what your doing either, and we can’t be the same.”

I did.

But it didn’t hit me till I moved away. It didn’t hit me till I had finally disappeared from everyone’s day to day life. I became that relative that you dropped everything for when I came in town. For some I thought I was a humble surprise. I later found out that even in distance my self centered ways were still effecting my family in a negative way.

The worst part for me is I might’ve known it but the voice was small. No one ever admitted the resentment they had towards me.

They hid behind the quote

“we are family”

if we are family then tell me the truth. What is family if you hide every part of yourself from me?

What is family when you get together every year and share your facades?

When do I get to introduce me?

What I really love to do?

What I really like to talk about?

When can we be a real family that has no PC restrictions or bible verses to silence what hurt is stuck inside of me?

I want the family that tells me the truth about themselves.

I deserve to know the truth.

I don’t want what you believe the truth is.

Give me the first unedited sentence out of your mind and let me decide how it will effect me.

If you come to me with your perspective I will listen with no judgment in my eyes even if it has to do with who you think I used to be.

Tell me how you thought the devil was in me. Tell me how you all came to ME like I was so Godless my whole life.

Give me the family that talks about death, that brings up different religions so we can test each others framework. I’m not asking you to change your beliefs I’m asking you to be yourself and if you don’t know who YOU is then I challenge YOU to Find yourself.

When our time is up and we finally get to stand before God he isn’t going to ask you why you didn’t create world peace , he isn’t going to ask why you didn’t cure AIDS I believe he’s going to ask why you couldn’t be yourself.

So What holds you back from being you? Is it everyone’s judgement? Is it your family? The way society will view your truth? If so I leave with this quote I stole from social media.

“ better worry about your own sins cause God ain’t gonna ask you bout mine “

June 15th 1:20 PM

Boomerang

I took what

Was true

And gave it

To the Universe

It hung below

Too long

It hit you

At the best

And worst time

Of your life

Cracked your skull

Exposed your

Aching hole

.

.

Boomerang

Came back to me

And I lost all control

My hands began to glow

My voice sense of smell

Came full blown

I wouldn’t discredit

God

So I won’t be

discrediting

You

What a boomerang

To bring me

Through

.

.

Do you know

You glow?

I believe all

The words

Are true

Every syllable

Is coming true

.

.

I heard your

Thoughts

You thought

You were

Alone

You found

Nowhere

To belong

My heart

Is your home

Take it with

You wherever

You go

I am with you

You can’t ever

Be alone

Sit in a house

That isn’t

Your own

Sit in a house

Moan & groan

It’s not as easy

As it used to be

But now I do

Feel you

Effortlessly

Hey

Boomerang

It’s okay

To push me away

Don’t you remember

How this works

One day I come

One day you go

Knowing now

You can’t cause

A

Low

.

.

Vibrations

Coming to me

Synchronicities

Begging to be free

See me

I see you

Down below

You cannot go

.

.

It hurts my back

When I deny you

Hurts my heart

To defy true

.

.

I climb with

Free will

Catch the wind

On a new fill

Found a

New skill

.

.

Borrowed time

So I guess

This is mine

Guided by

Divine

Love hanging

On the dialed

Line

What a feast

Of fate-d

apples

We dine.

Look for the footprints dear friend

Yeah

I’ll admit

I check in

On you

Not in the way

You want me to

I ask God &

I pray for you

I won’t root around

Your fake social

Media news

I know there’s

More to you

Than just what I

Could peruse

I’m tempted to check

Your tone

Then I remember

It’s proble still

Monotone

God take this

Away

I’m such a giver

I’ll give it all away

I have to

Listen to my

Truth

Let it guide

Me to the day

Where life isn’t

A noose

A field I’ve been

Looking for

To hang loose

Yes you aren’t

Crazy I do

Think of you

Too

I don’t feel guilt

Over someone

Who is the truth

But for now

I have to go

You have to know

How it truly

Feels to be alone

Break your own

Heart to understand

How I felt all

these years

You can pray for me

I’ve always prayed for you

Think kind thoughts

Of you

Maybe things I’m

Not supposed to think

Of you

But I have balance

In a life with no show

Listen closely

Punk

It’s time

For you

To grow

Music is

Your soul

Without it

You will never

Be WHOLE

Buy yourself

Until your full

But you obviously

Know

Your

Down in a hole

I’ll see you on

The other side

If I see you

I will

not

run and hide

Come to my mind

And I’ll send you a

Hug just please

Remember

It is God

Up above.

Find him

Confide in him

Tell him the truth

No one loves

You more than

Your Creator

Even if at

Times you

Want to say

See ya later

God is patient

& watching you

Clapping his

Hands when

You’ve come

Out on the other

Side

Not blue

You feel alone?

You must not be

Seeing right

Is there one

Set of footprints?

He is carrying you.

Listen to him.

He will

Lead you

Home.

Insomnia-tic Sleep

Insomnia

Seems

To be an

Ongoing

Love affair

.

Just when I

Think I’ve

Found my cure

It comes back

When I least

care

.

Apathy is my

Wage fair

.

.

What do I do

To myself

Day to day

That my

Sleep cycle

Says

Fuck me

In

Every

Way

.

.

.

Maybe it’s

Not so bad

Isolation

Is the best

Place for

Someone

Stuck in

My ways

.

.

.

.

I’ll tuck you

Into bed

Kiss your head

.

.

.

I’ll always come back

But I got to go

To my room

To the show

I’m sorry

But I got to go

Come back

I will

But leave

I must

Now

.

.

No going back

.

.

Insomnia

Will let me

See

What I’m not

Facing

.

Chasing

Something

.

Hungry

.

Tired

.

Gotta give in

To live

Love you

The way

You want

me to

.

I think

.

I’m winging it

.

This feels right

.

.

Reminds me

Of centered

Parts of who

I used to be

.

.

Dear

Insomnia

Please let

Me be

.

.

I have

dreams

I have

To see

.

I can’t

When you

Won’t let me

Be

.

.

You always

Come back

To me &

Drift away

Just as the sea

.

.

Intended you

.

.

Come and go

As you please

My insomnia-tic

Feen

.

Moonlight

Comes

Bright

.

Most

People

Sleep

.

I howl at

The moon

.

.

A dancing loon

.

Happy as hell

With no sleep

.

.

Compared to

What I used

To be

I’ll take the

Festival

Steep

.

.

Watch the stars

Wonder how

Far

I can

Drive

.

.

Insomnia

And a

Playlist

.

Time

doesn’t

Exist

.

I’m alive

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Wonder how

Far I’ll get

With this

Daze

.

You were

supposed

to go

away

.

.

Insomnia

I know

you’ll stay

To haunt me

Of the things

I meant

To choose

.

The things

I stand to lose

.

.

Improve

.

Your driving me

Crazy

Can’t wait

To finally

Sleep

.

.

I could

pass out on

This floor

Still wake up

With a divine

Flow

.

Chastised

For digging

So deep I had to

Share the glow

.

.

Shall I say

Your name

One more

time

.

.

.

Pray to God

It’s not all

In my head

.

Insomnia

Send me to

Our Sleep

Shed

.

.

Make me a bed

Tell me i did good

Pull up my head

Tell me

the truth

It’s going to

be dead

For awhile

Got to catch

Up on my dreams

.

.

Insomnia

Don’t leave me

I need you

I can still

Turn on myself

Your the only

One that tells

The truth

.

.

Sleep

Coming for me

He knows I’ve

Been running

Not empty

.

Comes to heal me

Brings a blanket

Let’s me lay

Until I take it

.

It’s sick

You both

Love me

Lay with me

Give into me

.

Dear God

What an

Amazement

I’ve seen

.

Insomnia-tic

Sleep

You both know

The music

Captivated me

.

Laid with me

Gave into me

Let me be free

.

I got to

run to the

Stage

maybe

An Uber

Will

Bring me

back

To my cage

.

One day

Driving isn’t

a strength

With this

Sway

.

.

Oh May

At it again

Using hearts

As

Pillows

Across these

States

Morning comes

You get up

Before everyone

Leave

before

they can

Even offer

To have some

Fun

Got to go

Can’t lay here

And stare anymore

.

These thoughts can’t

Go past my lips

.

How many years

Insomnia

Can this go

.

How many tears

Have you made

Me choke

.

Breath life

I am not alone

I hate admitting

The truth but

It’s both

I hang onto

The phone

.

I can’t stay asleep forever

& and I can’t stay up

As much as I want

.

I need both for balance

Both to keep me young

.

Help me focus on the

Medicine the one

Who dwells inside

My lung

.

I’d stand on top

A mountain &

Confess my truths

To you then

Dive down

To the ocean

And show you

It was you there

Too

.

I’m insane

Been up too

Long sleep has

Called and

Checked my tone

He knows I’ve

Been feeling quite

Alone

Confides in me

To let him be

The only one

Inside of me

.

I’m so confused

I should go

To bed

Insomnia

Please

Just hold

my head

Don’t leave me

Here with just

This bed

I need you

Please

Come hold

this head

.

Let me fall

Like I used to

Notebook

& a

Pen

.

Close to you.

.

.

Touch me

Kiss this head

I got to go

Both of you

Are getting to me

I don’t know which

One will let me breath

I’m overwhelmed by

The inconsistencies

My only choice

Now is Sleep.

Insomnia come

To me in my dreams

Come and remind

Me of the truth

The one I can’t

Afford to lose

I can’t even hide

In booze

I guess that’s

Why I chose my shoes

I have to go

The choice is made

I won’t go

where

My voice

Could fade

.

.

Infinity

Is a long

Time to

Cascade

Alone

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