I am in love with the World 

I picture myself years from now, wondering if I am doing the right thing. My mind burst with ways to escape the bore I feel sometimes and I wonder if I have the strength to indulge in the unknown. 

 I am in love with the World   

Not a man. Not the idea of a family. but the world is my love. I get a taste of what I like from every state or country I’ve been in and I can’t get enough. I dream of the travels at night like you should dream of a love you are waiting on. I research the world like you Facebook Staulk your new love interest. I buy things that can fit into my backpack like you buy things to get his attention. 

Think of the way that you love your significant other. That is the way I love the world. It keeps me guessing. The way you look into their eyes is the way I look into the sky. I see the birds fly wherever they choose and that is the only stint of jealousy my soul holds. 

           For the birds 

They can fly anywhere. With nothing but their feathers. Sit up as high as they want while we build monstrous machines to reach their heights. They can stay as long as they want and on a whim without even a goodbye fly off into whatever sunset they so choose. 

      My family has my heart 

I am inked in many places of my body to keep my loved ones near me. I knew a long time ago I’d never stay in one place but I wanted to carry them with me. I wanted to see something of them on me. I miss them ; It’s a feeling I get used to day after day. Something I eventually don’t focus on I just put it up above. Sometimes I think I am missing out on things back home but the reality is I know I’m not. They are living their lives and I am trying to find mine. I picture waking up in a different city everyday to every week. A one night stand with a city of my choice is the perfect life to me. 

              The fear 

I don’t want to lift my head up one day and realize I lived for someone else because I was afraid of the unknown. I want to venture out further than the restraints of my comfort zone and fears. I have this want for meeting strangers just to hear about their lives. This is all unpredictable. This is all just a dream. A jumbled up mess we have created ; our canvases painted on the land gifted to us. 

I am in love with the world. I don’t think anyone can take its place. There is a reason I think this way. A reason I am this way. 

Marilyn

What goes through your mind when you think of her?

                           I can still hear her laugh.

                           She had the best laugh.

Letting someone who is such an idol in your life go is hard. Even knowing it was their time. But when she left it felt like the end of an era for my mother. A realization I saw cast upon her face is a look burned into my memory for later observation. Some people go all through their lives going through the motions and dealing with grief the best they can when life throws them the reality we will all die someday. But some of Us harness our memories so close to ourselves I believe we think we can maybe go back to those days. 

” the simpler times” 

Reflecting back into your vault of memories everyone holds dear it acts as a mental time machine. It is a comfort zone and a safe haven for most. The emotions disapate over time and you are left with the memories you replace with what you thought you felt in those times. Yes you’ll always remember the real moments of first this and first that but I’m talking about when life gets rough and you close your eyes and think about “happier times” and your mind automatically voids out the bullshit you were going through at the time and pulls out your memories like the perfect Facebook time line. We all do it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, there are just things to form caution on when comparing your past memories to the present you face now. The featured picture is a road destroyed by a storm my siblings and I would spend most of our childhood driving atv’s down and playing in the creek. Those were the best times growing up. I am older now and we still return to this place a couple times every year. I’m lucky to be able to return to such a happy stomping ground but my reality is seeing how much bigger my footprints in the sand are from those times when youth and innocence went hand in hand for us. 

“The guiding truth we don’t seek”   

After Marilyn passed I watched my mom grieve another time in my life that it was hard to watch. Hard to watch because seeing my mother in any form of unhappiness or sadness rips my heart to shreds. She deserves to always smile and feel joy. In that time with her though I saw something more in the conversations we spoke. I saw her vail of life being lifted. Her memories put into place so to speak. Even though she had been living her life far past the car rides and late night sleepovers at Marilyn’s, it hit her the day of the funeral that it all was truly over. Those were the past and you can’t get it back. It was very overwhelming to see this realization in her. I knew she didn’t expect to feel that way and I never intended on seeing that truth. But we both did. 

” It’s like the end of an era “

I can’t help but feel haunted by that phrase she said. I hear it sometimes without effort of digging for it in my brain. I think I keep it in my mind as a pre-coping for when that sentence will come true to me. We are all born and we will all die. It’s not a thought to wake up to every morning but it is a reality that is proven to us daily. 

I wrote a passage about Marilyn at the time of her death. The title is German so it isn’t that hard to find in the scrolling of my posts. The phrase is written on our family crest. That phrase describes Marilyn so perfect I am honored to have known such a women who held her family so near to her heart. She was and will forever be Pleasant and Brave. She is that face we miss at holidays the most because we thought she would live forever. 

Asirun…I ponder too much 

I got this Kansas City life going for me right now. 

New people…

New places…

Something my soul feeds off of. Waking up and not knowing my way to work is an adventure everyday. I see new things yet in the past two months I have felt I’ve had no time to embrace what is fully around me. I took a full time position that takes up 90% of my week. I invest so many hours in someone else’s dream it’s beginning to get to me. I go home and I stretch my thoughts away with poses and tell myself everything will be okay. 

It is a stepping stone. 

It is apart of my path 

I am supposed to be on…

Right? 
These are the conversations I have with myself. While I stretch and write my frustrations away. I write to remember and I write hoping someone else out there feels the way I do. I am helping them or they are helping me I haven’t figured it out yet. So I keep going I keep pushing on hoping the doors will continue to open.

This is my therapy…

As I run…

I rite 

Chyly 

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